***stardust

Dang...*so* hate it when I can't get to blogger....silly ie couldn't find the bleedin' site earlier, thus, tho I had this whole next thing written up hours ago, couldn't post it til now...
..and yes, I'm up this late, and I've school tomorrow...had to finish bloody Wuthering Heights..and the essays *were* hard...blah...but it's done! Woo! Finally! Now I can have a *life* again!!! ...no, wait, never had one...nevermind..*wry grin*
But yes, as for tonight's hugely long rambling...
Well...
Kevin's asking Amber Lehman to the prom.
And...
Heather told me, she was afraid to, almost, she thought I would be so upset...
But I wasn't at first. It simplifies things, really, I won't have to figure out who to hang out with - he'll want to be with the choir people, I couldn't stand them for a whole night...and I'd want to be with Heather and the rest, but I wouldn't want him to feel out of place...and if I went with him, I'd have to get a dress etc., if I dressed in rock star garb or whatever, he wouldn't get it, it'd be weird, that just doesn't go with who he is...
But then I thought about it. How he'd been the only guy I'd ever considered going to the prom with, all these years. All these years we've known each other...we were friends in preschool, I wrote that I loved him even then...I still have the heart-shaped piece of soap he'd given me for Valentine's back then, with "sweetheart" written on it...Heather and I were talking about how Kevin'd risen from relative obscurity over the past couple of years...and I said it's no wonder, he's such a sweet guy...but I was the first to discover him..or, one of the first, I suppose, there was Betsy...to think, I'd almost forgotten about her again!...in junior high, Kevin and I were pretty much inseperable, we were always together...always...and Dan and everyone teased us...*everyone* teased us, mercilessly...and they said I should ask him out...I might as well, everyone thought we were going out anyway...but I never did, and he never did, we were both too shy...and he was afraid of losing what we had...
...but we lost it anyway...
And at the end of last (school) year, I didn't know what to think anymore, didn't know what I felt, I loved him still, yet...So I had him meet me back on the nature trail one day, and we walked around, chatted...but I lost my nerve...so I had him meet me back there again one evening, and we sat in the outdoor classroom and talked...for a couple of hours...and he said he should be going soon, and I told him to wait, and I came right out and said it...I love you...and I looked up to
see his face, and he was smiling...an odd smile, I'd never seen before, surprised and happy...I thought...and I blathered on for another few minutes, said I didn't know if it was a romantic love or not, but I loved him, and I just wanted him to know...and he said he loved me too, as a friend, at least. And I was so unbelievably relieved, I'd done it, I'd said it, and we were still friends, but it was even better cos I felt the air'd been cleared between us...and riding home on my bike, I felt
so free, such a weight off my shoulders...
But then this year...we've talked so little...and then that one day, he sat beside me, and my side got all tingly again where it touched his...and I was thrown into confusion again...cos I'd been getting to know Cory, and Ken, and Steve, and others, these people that Kevin either didn't talk to much, or couldn't stand...but then I looked at Kevin and he's still beautiful to my eyes...but we hardly talk, and when we do...so many times it feels almost forced...we don't know what to talk about...but I still love him...
I still love him. And I always will. But not...not in a romantic way.
And it will upset me to see him at the prom with someone else...all these half-plans I'd made all these years...thinking it must be fate, we were so close in preschool, then to come back, and get along so well, and to love him again (tho it's a friendship-love now, not a romantic-love, but I didn't know that then)...
But then...
This is my last tie with normalacy broken.
The last one.
He was always "abnormally normal"...in boring clothes, we could never get him to change his hair...and he...never did understand my thing with music, he hardly listens to music...and music's my life...and he's hopelessly prejudiced against Hanson and David Bowie...and I can't see ever going to a U2 concert with him, he wouldn't feel what I feel there, I don't think...I'd always been afraid of weirding him out too much, of scaring him off...not completely afraid of it, but that was always there...I remember he was seriously frightened, I think, that day I talked of crumbling society...and I laughed, I enjoyed scaring him like that, thought it would do him good...still think so...but I think I need someone who'll rant with me, who'll dream with me, who'll understand me...and I think there are sides of me that he would have a lot of trouble with...
But...
...thinking about it...
...this is good.
...In all my daydreams of the future, whenever they were of a future with him...I was still here...housewife in the suburbs...happy, content, but still daydreaming of the rest of the world...traveling on vacations, plenty of money, comfortable life...
...but in my other dreams...
I want to be a rockstar. I want to travel the world, I want to meet people, learn about their way of life, their culture, their music...I want to go to concerts...I want to know music, and know life, and know *everything*...and I would never have that in a future with him.
But now...
I'm free from that.
I can dress like a rockstar every day if I want. I can write what I want, say what I want...never with a fear of alienating him.
I'm free.
I can be anything I want to be...I can dress as a rock star when I go to the prom! And it won't matter! My friends put up with it, even enjoy it...so I don't care.
It's *my* life. I can do what I please. I can leave here, live half-broke, in some crap apartment above a local punk (*real* punk) band, and drool over a blue-haired drummer.
..and it's not that I'd been *that* tied down by the thought of Kevin...it's just that, I knew that was there, and wondered if that would be my future, it was a possibility...it's not that I had an unhealthy obsession with him, or felt that he was my *only* option...it's that I daydream a lot -_^... and...he was my most realistic option...
And I do still love him, he's got a killer sense of humour, and the most beautiful blue eyes...
But...
This just...gave closure, I think, to an uncertainty that had been lurking for rather awhile...I was thinking this over earlier, and when I reached the end of it, I just felt like I could let go now, let go of him, but not just him, with my past, with the simple life I lead here, with the everyday routines of mediocrity...and that my dreams were a possiblity, I can be a musician, or whatever, I can live in that world...
Just that...
I'm free. Can't even explain it now, really, but...he *was* my last tie with normalcy. The last chance the world had to keep me quiet and contained.
And now...
Look out, world.
No more Melissa.
It's Ananda Daydream from here on out...

*Ananda Daydream * 1:26 AM * *

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