***stardust

Wonder how long my dad's gonna be pissed off at me? It's only a matter of time before he lectures me again, I'm surprised he hasn't yet, in fact...
..this is gonna be long, warnin' ya now...but I still need to vent, so...
Last night was, seriously, one of the worst, ever... A friend had sent me a link to this great U2 site..tons of pics, ones I'd never even seen before, tons of Larry quotes, really nice site. So I was pokin' around there after supper, goin' thru some stuff. And my brother and sister and I were debating whose night it was to dry dishes, and I suspected it was mine, but I didn't feel like getting up just yet to do them. So a few minutes later, Dad goes, *sarcastically* "Thanks, Melissa." Me: *bewildered*"Huh? Wha? What'd I do? Or what didn't I do?" Dad: *not happily*"Think about it." I looked over to the kitchen. The dishes were done. "Oh. Sorry. You didn't have to do them, I was going to.." And then he started lecturing. It was just...not good.
Went through the whole "you're not holding your end up" thing, I haven't done anything to help him out, I haven't even done any scholarship stuff for myself.
I've been SICK for a week! What the hell's he expect from me?! I seriously, felt worse than I have in *years*. I'm not gonna be up cleanin' my room when I feel like I'm gonna die! And I was honestly going to do the scholarships last weekend, but, as mentioned, I was fucking SICK. So I'd already planned to do them this weekend...
Went through the whole "your brother does all this...at least he's willing to learn to drive so he can help out, you won't even drive"--
Which REALLY pisses me off. Cos he PROMISED ME he'd never *make* me drive, wouldn't *want* me to drive my siblings all around, etc. etc. etc. Bull fucking SHIT. Cos now he keeps pestering me about it. I DON'T want to drive! I just *don't*! I don't trust myself, I don't feel
comfortable at all doing it. I just don't. I'm sorry, I don't even know why, but... I *do* try and get rides places, but I don't want to always be imposing on other people either, so yeah, I'm *gonna* ask Dad for a ride once in awhile.
Told me I'm selfish, I'm self-centered, I have an attitude problem.
Ok, yeah, maybe. But for one thing, I'm a teenager. We're naturally that way (or appear to be so, from a parental vantage point). And then... Alright. They keep telling me to figure out what I want to do with my life. What *I* *WANT* to do with *my* life. They want me to consider what *my* future should be, decide what *I* *want*! In short, they want me to stop worrying about others and worry about my self. They want me to be selfish. And then he yells at me for being selfish.
...I hate it, I HATE it, it's another contradiction every day...
And attitude problem? Yeah. He's hit me with that one before. If I *really* had one, my friends would straighten me out - I know they would, they've done that sort of thing before. I just...his arguements and *everything* are all just so stupid to me now. And just...*everything*...it's dumb.
I hate it. And I can't seem to be what he wants me to be - I joke around and I get nailed for being sarcastic (which I'm sorry, that's just how I *am*), I keep my mouth shut and get lectured for being antisocial and sulky. What the fuck am I supposed to *do*!?
But what *really* pissed me off...
"...U2's nice, I don't have any problem with U2, but..you've got to get *real*, get out of this fantasy world of yours and focus on more important things, your life is more important..." What fucking shit.
U2 *IS* my life. They're *everything* to me, EVERYTHING!!! They're my heart and soul, music is my reason for living, and they're...*everything*.
But he'll never understand that, I won't even try to explain, cos he wouldn't understand...
And this coming hard on the heels of my realisation the other night that music *is* my reason for living...
And U2's the best music ever, to me...maybe not to everyone, but to me... Larry's said they don't know where the music comes from, he has to believe it's from God..and that says it right there, that's why...they're so talented, and I believe it's because of their faith...and their faith and the music and *everything* is what's helped bring me closer to God, what helps me to find Him. It was reading about U2's faith, how when every other fledgling band was drinking and carousing, Bono and Edge and Larry would sit together in the back of the tour bus and study the Bible - that just, blew me away. Still does. And it gives *me* the kick in the arse I need to get reading it myself.
And God is in their music... even at the Grammy's, Bono's final comment after winning record of the year for Walk On - "God walked into the room on this record...amen."
And Bono is everything I dream of being - outspoken, confident, *himself*, curious, intelligent, knows about *everything*, has met so many people, and has *helped* so very very many, with Drop the Debt and everything else...on top of the music, his singing and everything...his rants, his songs, his cries...his joy of living, his compassion, his passion...*everything*...
Dad can NOT take this away from me. I don't care what happens, I would never let him, if he *ever* *tries*... I remember he wasn't thrilled about me going to the second concert, thought it a waste of money I should be saving to go to college...
...but that concert was more important than college to me, and I wouldn't have missed it for ANYTHING in the world.
Yeah, I *had* seen them once, but every show is so very different...
...and EVERYTHING changed after 9-11. Their stage show, them, me, the world...
...and I needed that concert, and it was one of the most incredible experiences in my life, and I'll always have it with me...

So yeah. Don't even know how long the lecture was, half an hour, hour, wasn't keeping track... but finally he stopped - I'd not said a word, Matt and I have realized that arguing back just prolongs the things, and it's not even worth it. So he left, and I finished looking at my U2 site.
Matt was still sitting there too, he'd been playing Playstation. "So, didn't you get lectured about responsibility yesterday?" I asked him. "Yeah, it's about every-other day..." "What is it, like, odd days, even days, one gets lectured one set, the other gets lectured the other days?" "Yeah, think it's my turn tomorrow..." And we realised - Dad had lectured me, saying my younger brother did all this stuff, he was more responsible than me. And yet, yesterday, Matt had gotten the "you aren't taking on enough responsibilty" lecture.
?
Yeah.
So I went upstairs, and put in U2's "Achtung Baby". And cranked it up. Rather loud.
And "Acrobat"...God...
I won't even go into details of later, but... you'd think he'd know by now that, when I'm pissed off, it's best to leave me alone. But what's he do? Not half an hour later, talks to me again, breifly.
And then I'm in the living room, waiting for Heather to pick me up (she's told me to let her know whenever I need to get out of the house - and this was definetely one of those times), and Dad sits down on the couch behind me! I'm like, wtf?! I didn't say anything to him, knew if I did it would just go badly, so...
Left about 8, came in about 11:30 (which's much later'n I'm usually out..sadly..).

And next morning, of course, there's a note on the table, another set of scribbled messages designed to induce guilt-trips. "Would be nice if Melissa said goodbye. Would be nice if Melissa told me when she was home safe. Would be nice if we could all just work together" etc etc etc.
Fuck it all, Heather and I drove past at ten or so, I saw Dad's light was still on - so we kept going.
Didn't come back til his light was out and I figured he'd be asleep. And I didn't wake him up like I knew he woulda told me to do, cos I didn't want to talk to him, and have him lecture me again.
So he's not really spoken to me at all today, tho when he has, I've been civil enough..
I'm just waiting now tho, I know it's coming...
...just four more months to graduation...about six til college is in session...damn, I can't wait!!!!
Seriously, there will be NO PARENTS in college. NONE. Nada, zilch, NONE. ..which is SO gonna absolutely ROCK. I'll be fine taking on responsibilty for myself, despite what Dad thinks.
When I have to, I will. I know I will.
And I can't fucking wait.
..I just feel so bad for Matt and Mel..especially Mel, cos Matt's only got another two years, and he'll be able to drive soon...Mel's only eleven, twelve next month...I'm worried for her, afraid she'll be even more bitter than Matthew and I, afraid this shit will comprise too much of her life...
But I can't stay here, I'd not ever consider it. Couldn't.
So I fear for my sister, and a little for my brother, but I can't stay here - wouldn't help any if I did,
anyway..

Larry has a favourite expression, that just keeps bouncing around my mind... FOAD. Fuck off and die.
And Matt's suggestion just now? "Just give him the finger and slap him in the face."
"You have NO idea how much I'd love to do that right now--!"

*Ananda Daydream * 11:10 PM * *

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~