...Laur's right, what *is* it with this year?...*everything's* happened, everything's changed, everything is something other than what we could ever have expected...
...ok, I'm exaggerating, not *everything*...we're still all friends, and my home situation hasn't changed especially much this past year or anything, (neither has anyone else's, for that matter)...and we still love music and all, but...everything is just...so much *more*, I think. The darks seem darker, the loves seem stronger...

Zinni...we've all said it now, and I think Daf put it best (which only makes sense), but...don't let him pull you down.
You and Laur both...sometimes, it's for the best to be a bit selfish...
Zin...we miss you so, I wish you were here cos it'd be so much easier, so much better, I'd say more, but Daf already said it better'n I could...

"Ch-ch-ch-changes, turn and face the strain" ("Changes", David Bowie) I used to HATE that song. Very strange. Cos now I rather like it...

Laur...it's not all just melodrama...and whether it is or not...it's okay, it really is...cos while no, we're not starving children in Africa, and yeah, others' troubles probably *are* bigger than ours... ...at the same time, it might be easier to cope with, say, living in a cardboard box, if you're happy..it'd be easier'n dealing with Aubrey some days, ne? *wry grin*
But really...not all angst is stupid and without point...and I can really totally see where you're coming from with all this anyway, cos I go through the same thing, constantly, I really do...cos you guys say I'm good at music and art and all...but then I listen to..err..*anyone*, and I'm not so good at music, I mean I'm good, but not like, *brilliant*...(Laur, you telling me after the concert that I was like the Andrew Meyers of band..that meant so very much to me, thank you)...and art? *laugh* I can draw, yes, I'm getting better...but not nearly good enough to get anywhere, not when I look at Lisa or anyone else's stuff, and with computer-graphics I'm getting better, but what kinda market is there for angel-U2s? (Not that I'm knocking them at all, I love them dearly, but...)...writing, yeah, once in a while I hit on something good, like "Until the End of the World", but mostly, I look at what Laur and Daf write, I read T.S. Eliot, or Bono's lyrics, or Rushdie, or..anything..and I'm just like, yeah, *right*. Grades? Not since 7th grade, in Perry, have I been at the top..and I *do* kinda miss it...maybe that's partly why I dress weird etc., it's mostly cos I enjoy it, but maybe too it's cos I want to be recognised for something...
So we all go thru this, I think, just some of us are better at hiding it than others..and Laur, you're just..acknowledging it now? I don't know, I shouldn't be trying to analyze any of this at all, I don't really know anything, just what goes on inside my own head..and even *that*, I don't often actually have figured out!

..I want to make my life worth something, but have no idea how, don't know what I want to do, who I want to be...(well, ok, I know I wanna be Bono, but..Bono's a guy. I'm not. That's the first problem..)

Daf...I'm really so happy for you and Calypso. I know it doesn't always look that way..and granted, the first few days, I really was so torn over it, I didn't know *what* to think..tho I was so proud of you the night of the band concert, so very very happy for you...

...I dunno, I care about you guys so very very much, the three of you..and my sister...

I'm just kinda envious of where you're at, Daffy...and I'm sure you've seen it's got the rest of us wondering, why her and not us?, and it's nothing at all against you, it's just our own insecurities rearing their nasty little heads. And I laugh it off and say I'm waitin' on a blue-haired drummer or summat, but...
...if I *did* find one, would I ever even get the guts to talk to him?
And..I dunno..now I'm sittin' here, daydreaming about Blake again, that hug I gave him the other night, after the choir concert, after you guys'd left...I really did start to just lay my head against him, just held him, had him hold me, for a minute...and...I don't know what the hell's wrong with me, I'd given him up!...or so I thought...maybe it's just partly senior-ness, trying to latch onto my friends while I can, maybe it's cos my other romantic options (such as they were..such as I *thought* they were, it was probably all so very much just in my own head) have kinda fizzled..tho..I *do* still love him, I always, always will, I think..tho I don't like him hanging about with Lani Jess Charlesy & co so much (tho, really, I should be fair, Lani's pretty okay)..I don't know. I've gotta go back and read my post from awhile back, that night (I thought) I figured out my life, music and freedom and did what Blake thought really matter after all?..and yet, somehow, it still kinda does..not in the same way that it did, cos I'm still in that place where I can be who I want to be, listen to my music dress in my odd clothes, but..when he talks to me, shows any sign of friendship or anything..it makes me so happy...

...see Laur? So very easy to slip into the self-centered thiings just running through your head..but it's good to release them sometimes, and just writing it helps sometimes, and having your friends know about it..helps... I'm not saying we should all indulge in self-pity day in and day out...(we'd all be like what Aubrey became), but...

I don't know. I don't even remember what I'd wanted to really say...
Just...Zin, do what you think is right, damn his reaction, what he wants isn't necessarily what's best for him or anyone else, and I know that leaves you wondering about whether what you think is right is for the best, but..go with your heart. If you never really believed in it being a romantic relationship, than don't *make* it one, don't force something that's not real..cos it's not doing *either* of you any good like that.
Laur...it's okay to be an angsty teen, we'll listen, God knows the rest of us get like that often enough...I think...I think it's not really the apparent comparitive size of the problem, it's just how big it seems to *you*..cos, I mean, most people would take a divorce as a *huge* problem...but...it never hit me as hard as I think it hits most people. I survived, and fairly well, at that, I think...but, I mean, I don't know what I really want from my relationship with Blake, and it's a much less obvious thing, but to me, it's bigger...
Daf...you *do* deserve to be feeling so loved, cos you're a wonderful person. ^_^ ...and I'm glad you and Calypso are doing so well. Still strikes me as a little sudden and a little strong, and you're right, I'm gonna be protective and not want "claws" to happen again..tho..I don't *think* it will...

But this's plenty long enough...
Love you, guys.


p.s. J-rock is great stuff... Luna Sea, L'arc en Ciel, Dir en Grey, Glay... <3