"Jesus, Jesus help me
I'm alone in this world,
and a fucked up world it is, too..."
-"Wake Up Dead Man", U2
"I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way..."
-"City of Angels", Red Hot Chili Peppers

So yeah...since I'm blogging away all my depressions of the day (which's helping me cheer up a bit...so's the fact that the sun's comin' out now...and I'm d/ning nice U2 music...didn't know they'd done a version of "Slow Dancing" with Bono (and Edge) singing, I only knew of the Wille Nelson version! ..like this 'un better. ^_~)..
Main problem of the day: The afore-mentioned love triangle...which I didn't know was such 'til today...*sigh*...involves me, Daf, and a guy whom we shall refer to as "Calypso" (our old code name for him). He...well...kinda stalked me our freshman year. He followed me around, came over and sat by me in lunch, and just stared at me.
but never said a word.
Kinda creepy, ne?
...so, he wrote me a note, asked if I'd go out with him...I said no, cos I didn't even know him at all! (Plus, he creeped me out at the time..tho I didn't tell him that!)
...next few years went by, talked to him a bit last year...and now, we arrive at senior year (junior year for Daffy). Calypso's in my music history class, there's like, eight people in the class, so we talk...and I've gotten to know him better this year, and he's not bad. He talks now. ~_^ ...and thing is, while with "Blake" (aka "Graeme", aka...summat else ~_^), I was always half-afraid of *really* scaring him off with my weirdness...with Calypso, I've never had that. Mainly cos, for a long time, I knew I had no interest in him at all. (..'course, there *was* the band banquet sophomore year..which..yeah..but I ignored that.) So it didn't matter how I acted around him, what he thought of me. ..and then...it seemed that no matter how weird I was, he just accepted it, didn't mind...I could totally be myself around him...
..and I started thinking..wondering if maybe I *did* have a crush on him?...he wasn't so bad after all...
And just after I started thinking about it, actually considering him as a possibility for the first time...Daf told me she had a crush on him. And I was like, ok, well, if she *knows* she likes him, we'll go with that, cos I don't even really know, and I didn't wanna get caught up in all that shite again anyway...
And it's seemed to me that he's given us about equal attention...Daf and I are generally pretty inseperable...
But then, there was that day he and another guy in my music history class were discussing their compositions (they're both orchestral music geeks *g*..which I understand a lot better'n I did, tho I'm still a rock child)...and Calypso said he was working on(?) a thing with a euphonium/flute thing in it. I play flute, he plays euphonium...and I was like, okayyy...*what's* this, now??...but then, comin' back from the band field trip the other day, I saw him just looking at Daf...but then, today when he and I'd gotten to choir, before Daf got there, he said he might go see a movie this weekend, did I want to come? I'm like, maybe, I'll check and see what I'm doing, I may or may not be grounded for not having my room clean, didn't give him a straight answer cos I wasn't sure if I wanted to...
At the end of choir, I told Daf and Laurel about it...and it wasn't 'til about then that it occured to me: did he just ask me on a date?!?? And Daf made kind of a semi-sad face, I said hey, I was gonna ask if you could come too (which I really was)...and Laur was making this face, I couldn't even identify it. And she didn't explain 'til lunch. She's just like, he likes *you*. Not Daf. *You*. He never really liked Daf, in that way, that I saw. I'm like, huh?.....and I talked to Daf on the bus, and she agreed with Laur...meanwhile, I'm just sitting here, mind pretty much blown by it all.
And feeling rather guilty...I told them, what *is* this, I don't *mean* to do this kind of thing!!!...feel like I've done it to both of them now, tho they both deny it..I got to know Laur's crush, and he wound up paying more attention to me than Laur...and Daffy's the one with a crush on Calypso, but he likes *me*, and I don't even *know*---!
..Daf says she's stupid, crushing on this guy who's leaving in a month or so (to the same college as yours truy..which, yeah, *really* makes things interesting!)...but I'm the stupid one, I don't even know whether I like the guy in that sense or not...
..and who is it these guys fall in love with? I don't even know who I am!, how can they find someone to like like that?...Laur's told me there's plenty to like, I'm talented, I've got style (I laughed, "yeah, such as it is!"..but my brother's friends mock him constantly because of what *I* wear...?)...and I said I don't know...and Daf said she's had a similar conversation with Zinni, Daf couldn't figure out why all these guys liked her...Daf and I're the same once again!...
..but Laur, if you're reading this (which I know is likely)...seriously...there's plenty to like about you. Look, none of us are any of "the pretty people", but we're not gonna let that stop us, right? (We're rebel-children, come on!) But you...you're *smart*, intellectual (which *is* frickin' cool, you know *so* *much* about lit...wish I did..), you really do write very well - better'n I do, I still think...you can sing very well (despite what you think)...and, most importantly (*I* think): you've an incredible faith...wish I had half your faith...
But wandering back to wherever I was...yeah. I'm stuck. I don't know what to do...I asked a friend, she said to go to the movie with him, see how it went, see what he's like outside of school, and maybe casually bring up the fact that Daf likes him...I asked Miss Hysick (who's wonderful...one of the nicest teachers I've ever had), and she asked me, well, who're you more loyal to, the guy or your friend? I said my friend. She said, well, there's your answer.
Conflicting results. Yay.
So....I don't know...
Answers on an e-card please, addressed to zoorebel@yahoo.com...

"Love is blindness...
...thread is ripping, the knot is slipping, love is blindness...
...no call, no warning, may be a dangerous idea that almost makes sense...*heartbreaking guitar solo*
Love is blindness, I don't wanna see...take my heart, it's blindness..."
-"Love is Blindness", U2
..and tho it was written I'm sure for eros, can't it be phileo or agape, too?...you love somebody, certain people, and you couldn't bear to ever hurt them...but you don't know what to do...

...did I mention I love Bono?...the live version of this... ... ...truly does, break your heart...esp. watching it on the ZooTV vid, Macphisto so sad, crying, at the end of it all.....