***stardust

..so....*did* finally talk to Blake today...thanks so much guys, for putting up with me..*sigh*..I really *hate* the way I get sometimes.....
But yeah. ...*allll* thru band, Calypso talked to me about it, tried to get me to go talk to him...*sigh*..thank you..I'm just...gahh...*stupid* sometimes...esp. when it comes to things like this.....tho...*shrug*, I dunno, I think it *is* a different situation for us...but then, I s'pose *every* situation is different, so....
*shrug*
Whatever.
In any case, I *did* try to talk to him in gym...I sat next to him, we weren't doing anything today, it being the last day(!), so...we just chatted about some stuff...the year ending....."Calypso-K" being a pain (she's going to the same college as Blake..poor, poor him--!)...etc...and I asked if he was going to stay after a bit tomorrow (our last day of high school.....), he said yeah, he wasn't gonna be able to walk out those doors...I said yeah, me neither.."Would you mind if I stayed after with you?".."Sure, whatever.."...but..something in the way he said it...I dunno...bothered me..."I don't have to drive Dan home anyways.." "Wow, that's a first.."...
And I was close to saying something about the note..but..then he went over and talked to the choir elite.
And I was *so* pissed at myself...
...so, class ended, he came over to tell me somethin' as we headed for the door, I asked if he was staying around for his early dismissal today, he said no, they [him & choir elite] were going to China King (as they often do..). ...so...instead of going right to the auditorium (the band room's gone...which really hurts.....), I walked down the hall with him...
"So, I have to ask you...did you get that note?"
"Yeah, I did...it fell out when I got the yearbook back, you were still there, I tried not to notice it right then..."
"Yeah, I saw that..I just took off, I don't know, so stupid..."
...
"You're not like [Calypso-K] at all."
*looking up hopefully* "Really?"
"Really..."
"..cos I'm so afraid that I am, a lot..."
"...You're one of my best friends. One of my two..no, three best friends."
"..that's good..."
...
...and it *is*. I...I didn't know what I wanted the outcome to be here..ok, so I did, but that was daydream, I didn't expect it to come true (tho deep down I *did* kinda hope for it..but..)...but this is okay.
..and it's so *dumb*, this is *exactly* what happened last year, too...and it's *so* *stupid*, *why* do I keep doing this??.....I don't know...I really don't, I just...*sigh*...I care about him *so* *much*, I don't want to make him uncomfortable in any way, I see how he suffers (err, I guess that's the word?) with Calypso-K, and I *don't* want to do that. At all. I *hate* seeing that happen to him.....
...
..but, that's resolved (err, sorta, at least) now.....not ideal, but not bad at all, either. *smile*
...
...and I'll treasure that dance forever...
...
Now, all we need do, is fix things between Laur and Bryan. ~_^ (As Daffy pointed out, *how* we can manage this within a day, I don't know, but---!)
...you *sure* you can't write him some sorta note, Laur?...you honestly, really truly *are* so much better with words than I am...and I know you're different people, and it's a different situation, and all, but...I still think that, if you can't *say* anything, you could at least write it, Laur...seriously. ...you don't want him to leave, and not know what he's meant to you, do you?.....I know I wouldn't...Laur, why've I basically put myself thru Hell, several times, with Blake? ...I asked Daffy this earlier, she didn't answer me.....but...it's just that I want him to know that I care. Cos I do. So very very much, and I couldn't even give you entirely coherent and logical reason why, esp. now, but...I wanted him to know. ...dumb as Miaka (from Fushigi Yûgi) may be some times, she did have *one* point: "It's always nice to know that someone loves you.".....

*Ananda Daydream * 4:11 PM * *

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~