***stardust

Thanks, Daffy...who knows if I'll ever actually get around to goin' all thru the banquet, you did a decent enough job of it for me. ~_^ ..and thanks, too...for helpin' encourage me etc... ^_^ for us. ~_^
.and Laur...same goes for me as goes for Daffy...I think you're the thinnest of the three of us!...not that that matters...*sigh*, I know, I say it, but do *I* mean it?..I *try* to...and yeah, I wish I was thinner too some days (ok, maybe a lot of days, depends)...Daffy's thoughts and doubts there are the same as mine, I *should* exercise at least *some*, and I always mean to, but never quite follow thru etc...and family comments on what I wear *do* get to me sometimes, tho I try not to let them....and I wonder if any guy'll ever like me...cos Blake? *sigh*..who knows?...the other night was *perfect*, it really and truly was...but...was it just a random blip? just the night, and the dance, and being seniors, and having known each other so long? or was it more, like I hope?...*sigh*.....but I *do* wish you had someone, too, Laur...tho I'm sure you'll find someone.
...I dunno...I just have this subconscious faith that everything will work out right in the end...God does things/lets things happen for a reason, right? Right. So however things look now...it'll work for the best in the end.

And Daffy...yeah, I agree...going from daydream to reality seems impossible, it really and truly does...but...it's not...(this is something *I've* got to remember, as well..)...we've *all* got to be braver, I think...(don't ask me how, cos I sure as heck don't know..if I did, *I* wouldn't be in this rut!).

So yeah... Blake wrote me the sweetest message in my yearbook (I'll undoubtedly have it memorised soon--! ^_^;), and I feel so bad cos the one I'd written in his, prior to him signing mine, was so..I dunno..just..upbeat and off-the-cuff, y'know?..avoiding/glossing over the things I really wanted to say...and partly cos I knew Dan'd read it, but also cos...I knew Lani etc. could see it, too...and...I didn't know if Blake would *want* them to see it...he *did* take Amber to the prom...but we're going to ignore that just now...(what happened to my whole epiphany a month or so ago, that it didn't matter, I was free??..) ...and I hit that doubt, again, the same thing that would've kept me from dancing with him, from pulling him close, from kissing his cheek...(thank you Heather for intimidating me, thank you Daf and Laur and Calypso for convincing me)...
...stupid...*why* am I always like this? I always *have* been...damnit, I *have* to give him that note, whether I still want to in the morning or not..."I don't always say what I mean...about how much people mean to me..."...
...
...and now, I've got my daydream for the end of the year...God, help me make that one come true, too!
...
...but I *can't* let this lovesick-teen world envelope me entirely...gotta keep reading the paper, blogs, Mere Christianity, LotR, to keep my mind from looping in endless circles, like it so very easily could...I don't *want* to lose what I've found for myself this past year or so, this whole wider world, *apart* from every-day teenage drama...cos I hate it, but it's so easy to get sucked into, addicting, you don't *really* want to leave once you're in (or, at least, you don't *think* you do)...and it's so very hard to pull back out...
...
*g*
...it's like AIM!
...so that entirely ruined the mood, but I was gonna go to bed *EARLY* tonight...dangit...once again, didn't happen...*sigh*...

*Ananda Daydream * 10:42 PM * *

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