***stardust

Wow...*mega* update, Daffy---! ~_^ ...*sigh*. Yes. Am jealous...but..I dunno...I think...getting into a relationship at this point would be so weird for me, at least at first, cos all I've ever done all these years is daydream.....I have to keep reminding myself that what happened at the choral banquet *was* real, y'know?.....cos...it *seems* almost like it was just another daydream, now.....but...I don't want it to be...on the way back from the picnic at B's, Heather and I were talking...about how...I dunno, it's just, you spent thirteen years of your life waiting for this time to come, graduation, finally getting out of high school...but now that it's here...we don't want it. We'd give anything for just one more year.....'course, if we *had* one more year, things wouldn't be where they are now...I would never've danced with Blake, if I knew I had another year...see, an' that's just it, there's *so* many things I wished had worked out differently between me and Blake, so many things I wish I'd done differently...why the hell didn't I take the chance I had, back in junior high?!...we really *were* inseperable, so close...and yet...we were both too fucking shy...damnit...I wish.....it's been so different, I don't know how or why he hangs out with the choir elite like that...I can't understand it at all.....and.....I wish it was the way it used to be, just us...and I felt like I was the only one who really knew him, who knew how sweet he was...so...it seemed I had a chance, y'know?...and then, of course, Betsy popped up, and *that* made for a bit of a mess for me...*laugh* I never *did* meet her!...*half-grin*.....but...now.....I miss him, so much, I miss him already and we're not even gone yet....damnit, what was it, maybe a *month* ago, I'd decided it didn't matter, he'd asked someone else to the prom, it didn't matter, I was free and on my own, and... ...and now, here I am again, back where I've always been.....but...at the choral banquet, dancing, I kissed him and he held me so tight...it felt so *right*, it really did...and all my old thoughts have come back...he *is* the only one I can remember from preschool, we were such great friends then, I moved, then came back years later..and we were such great friends again....like he said, we became friends twice, so maybe we were *really* meant to be friends...or something more, I've always thought/hoped/dreamed.....I don't even know, I don't get it, we're so different..but we're not..."we're one, but we're not the same" (U2)...we've such different interests, tastes, and yet...we could never argue or really get mad at each other, I don't think...it's like...I don't know...the details are different, but the core is the same.....and I'm gonna miss him so much...I don't want to lose him, I don't.....
...but then...I wonder...am I holding on for no reason?...but there *must* be *some* sort of reason...right?
.....

*Ananda Daydream * 8:14 PM * *

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