Carp. Missed the live Starsailor chat over on dotmusic...*knew* I was gonna forget and miss it!! XP ..*sigh*...ah well...... there's an archive here, which I'm going to go read. ^_^
...hee..." Rose from USA asks: Ben, are you naturally so charasmatic, or do you have to work at it?
James S: Ben is undoubtedly the friendliest drummer in rock. It just comes naturally."
...ah, but no-one can top Lar for best-looking drummer....~_^

...been an interesting few days...done a lot of thinking, and very little talking...well, 'leastwise, 'til Daffy came over. *smile*
...Daf...thanks again for listening to me ramble on melodramatically about the same stuff I've been rambling about for..what was it? four years, now? *wry grin*..and thanks for the support, advice, etc., and all.....
But yeah. After all that? I get on the cpu...and he's not on aim. >_<#

...Daf and I were talking for awhile, she mentioned that she and Calypso'd been talking about past years...and how we never quite knmew whether he still had a crush on me or not...he thought it obvious, we never had a clue~~!...ah well.....but that reminded me, I still had the notes he wrote me, all those years ago (err, three years? *g*)..and she said that he said he knows know that he kinda went about it wrong..which I think he did, cos he asked me out before I even really knew him...and he *did* just sit down next to me and stare at me, never saying a word, and that *was* just *weird*.....but it's in the past, I won't hold it against him now...but yeah, so I dug thru all my old diaries, and found the one with the notes in it...and we read thru them again, and I felt soooooo bad, all over again...the second one, especially, he sounded so terribly upset and depressed...Daffy, don't forget to tell him that I'm still so, so sorry---!
And then, I read thru some of my other old entries..this diary was from 9th grade. ...interesting, all the accounts of the various battles between Mother Earth and Evil Dan...and I spent *pages* talking about one mall/movie thing we did, me, Blake, Evildan, Christy, and Katie O'...and that day had been so perfect, we just played around in all the different stores...and we got to the theatre, went to go in, and Blake couldn't find his ticket (this actually became a habitual thing..*laugh*...but..it's just *cute*... ... ..errr...*blush*). Katie and Dan'd already gone ahead, Christy went to go catch up and tell them what'd happened, and I stayed with Blake, holding his stuff 'til he found his ticket. ...then we got in there, and everyone else was already sitting down..so I sat next to Blake...and Evildan was on the other side of Blake. This was very, very bad. Throughout the entire movie ("Pleasantville", which we all thoroughly enjoyed), Evildan kept making "suggestions" to Blake, only some of which I heard then (heard about more later on)...telling him to put his arm around me, or kiss me, all this stuff.....and Dan pestered me about it later on, and I wrote that I couldn't quite outright deny some of it..while there, I'd been daydreaming, imagining him putting his arm around me.....
...the other interesting things we found in that diary were a few dreams I'd written down. *That* was interesting. For one thing, had a *great* time tryin' to read it - very small, and very scribbly. (This was actually partially on purpose - so no-one else *could* read it! *g*) And the other interesting thing was what I'd *dreamt*...one of 'em, I was like....*whoa*. ... ...I *dreamt* that then?! (Let's put it this way - I couldn't quite read it aloud to Daffy.... -_-;;; ..I mean, it wasn't *that* bad, but, ah, *very* close, I think...)
And all these things.....there was "The Plan" - Blake and I, at the suggestion of a friend - pretended to go out for a while (few days? a week? I don't remember). We did this to 1) annoy Dan (we suspected he was jealous of the close friendship Blake and I had - we were truly inseperable at that point), and 2) get Calypso (who was near-stalking me at the time) off my back. ...and.....now, I'm just like, damnit, why the hell didn't we just go out?!?!?! *AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* Y'know?!?! I mean....GAH!!!...this's one of those thigns I'm gonna be forever kicking myself in the arse for, y'know?....*deep, sad sigh*.....but yeah, it didn't end so well - we ended up letting Calypso in on it, cos he wrote me such a terribly sad note (which I mentioned before) (it was odd, I felt *so* terrible after reading it..but Heather and everyone else? thought it was dorky, lame..."the lines of communication have been severed"!? and they laughed...and I was just like, no, no, you guys, can't you see?..he spent *time* on this...there's an eloquence here....and I felt *so* *terrible*...hell, I *STILL* do!!!..that's how potent it was....). And Dan..I think caught on? don't remember...but it was dumb cos we didn't act like we were going out or anything, didn't hold hands even...there were so many times that I was *so* close to putting an arm around him or something...but I didn't.
*kicking self*
And it could've been.......
...and I shouldn't dwell on past mistakes like this, I know I shuoldn't....but the thing is......during those few days we "went out", I dreamt about him *every night*, that we were in the halls holding hands, or he kissed me, or something...(err, yeah, something..*cough*...*blush*)....
...and....
...I'm still dreaming those same dreams.
Four years later.

What the hell is wrong with me? Four years, it's been like this, and I *STILL* haven't done *anything*! And...my God, what am I doing, all these chances I've had...and I think, looking back, there's been a *lot*...and I've never even reached for his hand, not once. There was that dance...*sigh*...and that was...pretty much *bliss*.....and I should be happy with that, but... .... ...I still can't help but wonder, y'know? we knew each other so very long ago..he was my first love...and then I came back, and we got to be best friends, tho we seem so very different on the surface....and.....I kinda thought I was mostly over him, but then...I looked over at him again, across the band room; listened as he sang his solo in choir; talked with him for awhile.....and I care about him so much.....and now, I can't get him out of my head again...and I have to wonder if it's fate, or something, meant to be.....
...*this*, I think, is why I've not had a boyfriend still...because I can't/won't/don't want to give up on Blake...whether it's right or wrong, I can't let him go.....and I don't know if I should or not.....
...
...*this* is why I was greatly annoyed that he wasn't on aim, I wanted to talk to him for awhile, haven't talked to him since...I don't know, the last grad party I saw him at, the weekend before last.....

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll shut up now....b4k4....feel like I'm in an anime series, this whole childhood-love, meant-to-be thing pops up a lot in anime....(at least I don't feel like I'm the only one anymore...like Piro finds answers to so many of his life problems in shojo, I look to the things around me as well, songs and stories...)
*sigh* ...I don't know what to do..I *want* to do *something*....but....I still worry as to what *he* wants.....and I should listen to Calypso, he told me to stop thinking about what Blake might think for a minute, and do what *I* want.....
.....