*sigh*...s'pose I should go thru some of today (err, yesterday), at least...went out to the movies (more on Topaz Meanderings) with a few friends, inc. Blake...and I made sure I got to sit next to him...and.....as we sat there and the lights dimmed, I almost started getting shakey...it was strange, that hadn't really happened in awhile...*sigh*, no, but it has, not outright shaking, but that inner nervousness, that's not quite nervousness, but that combined with hope, anticipation...whatever that is. (Yet another thing there's no word for...)
...and over and over, I thought about just taking his hand, or something, but...*sigh*...as usual, I didn't. We made fun of some of the stuff in the movie, griped about lameness (it was an Adam Sandler flick, whaddya want?..I'm sorry, haven't much use for him...neither does Blake), etc...
(Oh, but what was *really* terrible for me? ...Blake was the name of the huge company the guy was inheriting in the movie--! o_O;;;)
But yeah. I mean...in my daydream, it's all so easy and wonderful...and then I get there in real-life...and it *would* be so easy, he's always using both armrests, on either side of him, all I'd have to do is set my arm next to his, and...(I've known he does this, I'd planned on that, knew it, daydreamed it that way)...and I thought about it...argued with myself...but then, took the *real* easy way out..and didn't do a thing. As always. I just...damnit! What should I do? ....I don't know...I don't know at all...because I'd thought I'd gotten over him, for the most part...but now, it feels stronger than ever...and that's why I won't *do* anything, because I care about him so much, I don't want to make him uncomfortable or put him in any sort of situation where he's in any sort of this anguish...I don't want to do that to him.
'Course, then, what if he's thinking the same as I am? What if *he's* not sure, and is waiting...
...but I've *done* my part...at least more'n he has...
...damnit! *Why* am I putting myself thru this *again*?! Three times, I've done this, told him how I felt and gone thru all this aftermath. And all three times, he's given the same sort of answer...granted, this year was a little different, but still... ...but it *was* different... ...but...
*head about to explode*
...too much for 4am...going to bed now.....got Shelley's grad party tomorrow, I don't *especially* want to go, tho I will, Heather etc. will be there...but I don't know how long I want to stay...I don't think I want to be at a Shelley-party for that long...
(..and Blake will undoubtedly be there at some point, at least for awhile...and I *do* want to be there when he is.....)

"Dear Diary, what is wrong with me?..." -"Dear Diary", Travis