***stardust

Ah! *Sooo* glad it's Friday!!! *g* And I'm dead tired and have a headache, but don't care, am quite happy right now. *smile*
Just got back from seeing Krazy for You over at Gates-Chili, the summer production-thing... Didn't think I was gonna make it for awhile - Heather copped out on me, Blake had a pre-show (instead of post-show, cos they've got a matinee tomorrow) party to go to...fortunately, Dad was about, and took me up.
*Tried* to get Teraa to come - she was too busy in a chatroom and waiting on a phonecall (*which* never came). Daf...got home a few hours prior, and had to call Calypso back. >_<
Ah well. Y'all missed a GREAT show. ^_^
Lani had the female lead, and did an incredible job, as always. Some other peeps from school were in it, A.J., Katie G., Bill Rowe (which was odd, cos he graduated *last* year), some others...
And, of course, Blake. ^_^
Dude, I am *so* glad I gave up trying to do plays! *laugh* ..it was *crazy*, the amount of dancing and stuff in that! (No *wonder* they had so many crazy rehearsals!!!) Was mostly tap dancing..and some of the songs went on for like, over ten minutes. The show ran about three hours, total...*craziness*. And they all did such a *great* job..I mean, the girls who were playing showgirls/dancers I'm pretty sure really *are* dancers, and I know Lani is, and the guy-lead *must've* been... but then, everyone else did an incredible job, too, they really did.
And Blake? I know never had a dance lesson in his life. Just ensemble, plays, singing saints...(which I know's a lot, really, but still..)
And..thing is....we *did* a Krazy for You medley back in jr. high, 9th grade, for me. ...it was so funny, some of us were talking during intermission and afterwards and things, we remembered all the songs, the horrid choreography...(Nicole and I both *SO* did the knife-thing out in the audience..."the way you hold...your....knife!" *miming stabbing selves* *laugh*) And...I just kept thinking back, Blake really couldn't dance at *all* back then, I remember...(never bothered me, I couldn't either, we'd jsut laugh about it together *smile*). But now? *whistle* ..the boy's gotten frickin' *GOOD*.
Was *so* *cute*, tho..the first time he was onstage, he was sitting up on the roof of one of the "buildings" on the set. Was so cool. ^_^ ...I don't even know why, but to me, it was. ^_^
Dude, and like, he was in the "cowboy trio", right, with A.J. and some other kid? And the first "Bidin' My Time", I could *barely* even hear the other two. Just Blake. (Not that this was at *all* bad...he's got such a gorgeous voice, he really does... *smile*) Same thing happened one or two other times, too...yay Blake. ^_^
(Trouble was...'nanda got horribly jealous anytime he was dancin' or lookin' at a girl, tho I knew all the while it was acting.....still, was ready to smack whoever it was that all sidled up to him, put her arm around him... >_<# ...almost wished that I *had* been in the play.....)
But he really was wonderful, dancing, singing, acting..wasn't the biggest part, but he was in most scenes..and I know I missed some of the *main* action cos I was watching him..*wry grin*...I know I'm just gushing, but hey, it's *my* frickin' blog. No-one's making you read it. *g*
...found him afterwards..actually, he was getting a hug from a grandparent, I think, his dad saw me first, said hi...then Blake [GAH! *so* hard to remember to use code-name! ..then when I *see* him, I come *so* close to calling him Blake!! -_-; ) saw me, I gave him a hug (prolly slightly longer than was really necessary or customary on such an occasion, but like taht wasn't intentional? ~_^ ), told him what a great job he did (tho, uh, not in such detail..will talk to him or e-mail him later *g*), he said he was really glad I made it.. we talked for awhile, random other people came up and talked...he complained about the mic wire being too tight around him stomach, "I haven't gotten a full breath in about four hours," and went off to go change...I told him again he'd done wonderful, half-punched his shoulder, my hand slid down his arm a little ways.. *shrug* *g* I found Greg (and his cellphone *g*) and called home..uhh, sorta...was so staticy, only after about four tries could I make out *anything*...geh. *g* Blake came back, having changed, the three of us talked for a minute or so, then I went outside to wait for dad.

Thing is...*sigh*. Was talking to Heather yesterday, right?..talked about her and Steve (who she'd just gotten a letter from - he left for the army a week or two ago)...and me and Blake.....and, the way she sees it, yeah, I had chances, but I didn't take them ("I know, I know, trust me, I know!!!"). But now, I should just focus on the new guys I'm gonna meet in college...and she's convinced there's a better guy out there for me than Blake. 'You guys will always love each other, you'll always have that, and be friends, but... there's someone better than him for you out there.' (Heh...yeah, and, "I know *you* find him attractive, but..", she kinda shook her head...*half-laugh*.....he's beautiful, I'll never see him any other way than that...and maybe it's just my love for him messin' with my perceptions, but...*smile*)
She's really convinced of this.

Meanwhile, I've got Meg (who, no, doesn't know us in person, has never lived here, never even *seen* us..but I've told her so much, that..) telling me that it really looks like it could work out between us. And I know some of what she says is just to encourage me, but...it looks to me like there's a real validity in a lot of it.

So.....
What to do?

I just got thru lsitening to Heather, but...watching him tonight? ...I loved him so much. Every movement he made, I saw, every facial expression, every note I heard (err, well, almost *g*). Anytime he did anything silly or out-of-character for him or just *cute*, I had the biggest grin on my face. (Prolly a *good* thing Teraa-chan didn't come--! ^^; ) Just..watching him, I was blown away...who he can be on stage is so very different from who we all see him as...he's very, shall we say, straight-laced? conservative, largely quiet, tho extremely sarcastic...and here he is, playing a cowboy, singing and dancing all over the place...*smile*
...
...I want to know *Blake*, who he *really* is, what thoughts run thru his head...I really do. Every once in awhile, I'll get something *real* from him...and it's incredible, I love it so.....

But...
Is Heather right? ...cos I mean, really, to my mind...I've two futures ahead of me. One, I end up with Blake, and we settle down to a nice, quiet life, him as a teacher, me staying home, tho maybe working parttime or something, still keeping up on things in the world and doing what I can, volunteering, online, etc. Two, I'm a rock star, or at least something close, roadcrew even, photographer, whatever, even just a random starving artist; and I'm Bono, and I find a nice blue-haired drummer...
Reality, yes, I'm sure there's more than those two possibilties - and even those, wouldn't necessarily work out that way. But those are the two that are constantly warring in my head...my quiet side vs. my desire to be heard and seen, who I've a feeling I *am* right now vs. who I *want* to be...maybe who I *really* am inside vs. what I seem to be, thoughts as opposed to actions.
Do I go with Bono or Blake? ..Blake is the realistic one, but I don't want to let go of my dreams..... (but then, Blake's a dream, too...)

What do I do for what little summer I have left? ..seems pointless to try anything further with Blake now, beyond building up our friendship so it'll last, maybe (tho I'm sure it will..it's survived one six-year seperation without any cotact at all, so..*smile*)...but......I wish we'd given the romantic-thing a chance. I really and truly do. Cos...I think I need to know whether it'd've worked out or not. Until then, I can't move on.
I *should* try looking at other guys, but...gah, I *tried* that for a year, and it didn't work, I landed stuck back on Blake again! Granted, college will be very different, *so* many other people, from all different backgrounds, and maybe things *will* change...but...right now, I don't want them to. Right now, I'm so scared that he'll hook up with someone at Naz...

Whoa. Have I rambled. ...as I said, I'm quite tired. Going to bed now, gotta do mega-college-shopping tomorrow. woo. *twirling finger in air*

*Ananda Daydream * 11:45 PM * *

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