"I feel angry I feel helpless
Want to change the world
I feel violent I feel alone
Don't try and change my mind"
-"One", Creed

...came up on my playlist just as I was reading your latest entry, Laur...not quite right, I know, but...
...I *won't* try to say I know how you feel, cos I *do* have dreams...I wanna be a rock star. I want to be with U2 (and, with Blake). Really, I *do* want to change the world, have some impact, help people, make a difference...if I could have *one* thing that even came close something like "Pride"---!...one story *worth* reading...something that will change people for the better...but "I feel helpless...I feel alone". I really do most times. I dream, but have gained so little in reality, I think. The two don't touch very often. (Yes, I've gotten a concerto on my flute in band...but have I even ever *talked* to anyone who's in a rock band?) And I know I often *look* so confident, but...Daffy, you know more than anyone, I'm *not*, I'm so often so terribly insecure...about being too out there, now about maybe scaring guys away (thanks, Dad), about Blake, and even you guys, my closest friends, there are days...it's nothing to do with anything you guys do or don't do, there's just some days that I sit tehre and wonder, does anyone *really* like me? ...and then there's my faith, and that's one of the shakiest things of all...and, I'm trying.....but am I trying as hard as I can?.....I don't think I am.....
"I try to sing this song I, I try to stand up,
but I can't find my feet...
I try to get in, but I can't find the door;
the door is open, You're standing there, You let me in..."
- "Gloria", U2.

"Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinkin'
Maybe six feet ain't so far down,
I'm so far down..." - "One Last Breath", Creed ...but then..."Cos I still believe there's somethin' left for you and me...". *sigh* I don't know. I've listened to a lot of Creed, of Twelve Stones, of U2 (esp. October) lately...then, was at Jitter's with Jess Dewalt and Becky Prine tonight...we were talking about all this stuff...and they were talking about how wonderful prayer is, and all this stuff...and I'm just sitting there, wishing...(tho, Jess just read Mere Christianity, was just as blown away by it as I was, so we talked about that some.)
*sigh*
There's so much I have to work out in my own head...I'm not sure which self is *me*.....(will I *ever* know?)

And then Daf...well, my thoughts are there in the comments, short-version, but...I don't know. I *should* forgive and make peace with Aubrey. I *know* I should. But...*getting* there is the problem. I'm stubborn, even when I hate being so...this's the second time that I've had a lot of trouble letting go of what is, in the end, a grudge (tho this one's got a lot more reason than the other...*sigh* but what kind of justification is there *really* for a grudge? I know there's not, no matter what, when you get down to it, but...).
Maybe...maybe it's that I was never as close to him as you guys were. And tho I was close to as concerned about him, I think you guys were more so. And...I don't know. There were always some things about him that just...got on my nerves, I think. I don't know. Maybe that's it, I never had a clear-cut, simple(?) relationship with him. Or, at least, not as close to one as you guys had. That whole thing in jr. high, I was never in on. I hung out with Blake and Heather and everyone, who simply couldn't stand him. And I got to know him *thru* you guys, but...was never as close. Was there ever a time he told me something he didn't tell someone else?
And I know this's no excuse - if anything, I should be *less* mad at him for these reasons.
But...
...it's just so much easier just letting it fade, and go, and falling silent and just trying to forget.
...but then...I've a nasty feeling that's not the right thing to do.
(The easy thing never is...you enter thru the narrow gates, not the wide ones...)
..I'll...I'm gonna try to work it out, guys. I'll ask for your help, but I...I think it's something I've got to get God's help for. ...it's Him I need to learn to rely on.
(somehow.)

And also, Daf...I wonder what happened this year. So many of us have seen it now. And tho when we talked about it, Blake said he'd never change...he has. Not as much, maybe, or not as obviously, but he has. And I know we all have...we have been thru the most insane year ever...but if we can make it thru *that*, we can make it thru *anything*, isn't it? right?...(God, I hope..).
But Daf...I never thought I could be a leader. I still don't feel like one. (Except for every once in awhile...in band, I sorta did. Leading everyone onto the hotel roof on Long Island, I did. But...)
But don't think that you *have* to be.
You're a bass player - all you need do is *be* there. That's often more than enough. *smile*
I've not learned nearly all I can from you guys - that's why we have to stay in such close touch, right? *smile* I...I don't know. I don't feel as old as I should, I'm not a college student, what are you talking about?...
Again, tho, like I said in the comments...tho we may leave, and tho things may fade...that's just it, tho I haven't talked to any of my friends from Perry in so long, I still count so many of them as friends. Shannon I haven't spoken to in years, yet she's still very special to me. And Jason.....though I can't see his face so clearly as I once could, I can still hear his voice (stuttering every now and then), can still hear him saying my name, laughing at me when he teased me...
I can't remember everything, but I treasure it still. There's so much of me that's still there.
And even more of me will always be talking to you guys, joking around and then drawing things from the deepest parts of ourselves to share [gah, why can't I write, that sounds so lame and cliche!]...

I don't know if I'll fly either, Daf. I dream and hope and pray that I will. But I can't see my future at all. I can daydream it, but that's all. Nothing's clear at all.