Laur... yeah, this was all piling up, anyway. What's come out on mine and Daf's blogs are offshoots of both what you've said, and also what we were talking about the other night. So don't think you've plunged us all into this. *g*

But...
...man, whatever *happened* to 9th-grade me, 10th-grade me, trying to get together a club to save the world? *smile* ...but really...I had a lot more enthusiasm for it then than I do now. That's bad. I *liked* that about me. ...I still *care*, but..I'm too easily bogged down in the everyday, I think...

And... Laur, you said you just want to help, want to avoid the famous-thing...and me...that's just it. I don't know. Like, I don't think...I don't really want to be famous for the sake of being famous. And I don't want the trappings of it... ... ...hrm. Now that I think of it...maybe I don't, either. But, no, still, that's just it. I want to be well-known. Not famous. There's a difference in my mind... I want my stuff to be out there, to be heard...(tho at the same time, I don't think it's worth the attention...but I think it is...but I just wish it was....see, again, I'm split, I don't know...).
But, I think...I want recognition for it, I think. I want them to know it was *me*. But then... see, it's weird. I have a love-hate relationship with recognition, with praise. When I get the attention, I try to defer it, am often embarrassed by it, don't feel like I deserve it. But, at the same time, inside...yeah, I enjoy it. And then, when I'm just another person, when no-one seems to notice what I can do...I start to get down. I want to be appreciated, I want to be necessary, and to know that I am...
...but.
...there's one bit from Mere Christianity that haunts me there:

"We must get over wanting to be needed: in some goodish people, specially women, that is the hardest of all temptations to resist."

..and taking a look at myself...*yeah*.
It's not at all to say that we shouldn't try to be worthwhile, y'know, that there's no point in being helpful, nothing like that...but...I think it's a pride-issue there.....
...that I've yet to overcome, I think.
.....there's so much...so very much, about myself, that's unresolved...I'm going about, tying what things up I can here before I leave, but...damnit, I haven't even started in on the mess of loose pieces and split ends of everything inside myself.....so much...usually I think I'm an alright person, but then I sit down and take a close look...and can't find a thing that's not flawed.
Yet, C.S. Lewis is again a comfort (even when it's giving me the biggest kick in the arse, it's still a comfort, it's a direction to look in). We *can't* do anything right. Not without God's help. We've got to learn to rely on Him...
...and...*sigh*...I haven't entirely yet. I don't know. I have to.....I really need to figure some of this out.....

(Oh, but Laur, don't worry, I *will* give the book back. Next time I see you, make me give it back, I've gotta go out and get my own copy anyway before leaving. ^_^)