***stardust

Right. So, last night, was gonna have some friends over, get "the old group" from junior high back together again, right? Heather came over about 6, no-one else'd come by 8, so we called Greg (who'd apparently just been sitting abou his house?!...loser baka...), Daf came over a bit later... Eric and Dan never showed up, but they were iffy anyway...and Blake? ...will get to in a minute.
But yeah. Was *great* fun. I personally can roast marshmallows to a nice, fairly-even, golden brown, nearly every time. Once in awhile I set one on fire, but not often. Heather and Greg, on the other hand----! *dies laughing* It was horrible, Heather kept putting hers right near/in the flames, and burnt them horribly *every* time. She put them in the same place like, four times in a row, setting them on fire *every time*. *laugh* Eventually, she just amused herself by putting the end of her stick in the fire... she'd pull it out, the end glowing. Then she blew no it, was totally entranced by it glowing brighter when she did so ("heats up when blown on"? o_O; *laugh*). Then afced Greg, who was sitting next to her, while doing so, and blew embers over onto Greg. Who spazzed (with due cause *G*). Both tried to set my lawn on fire countless times...gah. Crazy. But it was a lot of fun, just, a nice night out, goofing around with friends, and all..... they left about 10.
Greg left today, he's off to Spain for his first semester....crazy... Heather leaves Sat., not sure if I'll get a chance to see her again before that (tho I hope so!). *sigh*
But yeah. And Blake? ...he'd told me that he had this surprise party for a kid from the play to go to, he was going with some other people, but he'd get to my house as soon as he could ("the second I get home and jump in my car"), he wasn't planning on staying there all that long.
10pm, he wasn't there.
Shortly afterwards, I called his house, told his mom to have him call me as soon as he got home, didn't matter what time it was, I'd still be up... took the cordless with me, sat at the cpu for a min. to check my e-mail, just in case...nothing, of course. Sent a quick e-mail to Meg about what'd happened...
...I was really upset. Wanted to see him so badly...I'd rushed about to make sure I got his grad card done by 6. I'd brushed my hair, put it up (he and Dan once told me they like it better up), changed into one of my new outfits for school, very me, but nothing too out there, nice white shirt with the leather tie-things at the neck, new jeans, with tan lace-stuff at the side/bottoms...had been playing out various scenarios in my mind for the past day or so...
...and I told Meg all this, checked my mail again, nothing, and I started thinking about the fact that I have to say goodbye...and it started to sink in that that might be the last time I see Greg and Heather for a good long while...started crying a little, toko the cordless up to my room with me, and just sat there for half an hour, thinking, on the edge of crying (woulda felt better if I did, but couldn't quite, it hasn't all completely sunk in yet, I think...)...and kept thinking about Blake, where *was* he?! He wasn't here...he'd missed my party (such as it was)...was with "the choir people" and play-people...true, he hadn't driven himself, but still...was he okay? what if he got into an accident?!...or maybe he just forgot...or would rather spend time with them than me...and then...I don't usually get this way, but...I started thinking...wishing I was pretty and popular like Lani...she's got all these guys at her beckon call (her "bagels"), she's pretty, and talented, witty, a dancer, a singer, an actress, all thsi stuff...she's always got all these guys about...inc. Blake, a good deal of this year. And I don't usually, maybe only twice ever have I, envy her, or anyone in that group, like that, but...and in my clear-headed moments don't envy her or the rest at *all*, I know I wouldn't *want* to be who they are...but...Blake was with *them*.
Finally, got up, took the phone with me again, and got back on the cpu. Checked my e-mail, nothing... wrote back to Meg's e-mail she'd sent earlier (thanks again Meg, for making me smile...I needed it last night...instead of "Brad Pitt", my mantra's "percussionist loveslave"...*half-laugh*... (every time Heather gets down about whatever guy, I just tell her to keep thinkin' Brad Pitt)..). Got on aim, talked with my sister (who was over at Mom's for the night), caught up on here a bit, kept checking my e-mail like, every couple of minutes...sent an e-mail to Greg...every time I saw a car pass I kept snapping my head up, but none stopped.....Teraa got offline about 1am...
...and finally, 'bout 1.30 or so, he got on aim. I caught my breath, was just....there's no word for it. Relieved, excited, breathless, amazed, heart about to burst, glad, pissed, *everything*... "where *were* you?!?!"...and I started shaking even, could hardly type at first, it was crazy...and he said he was so, so sorry, he had no idea it was giong to run that late...he hadn't gotten home 'til about quarter to one, he hopped right ni his car and drove over, looked but didn't see anyone still there, tho he asw the blue light from the cpu screen on in the living room...thought about stopping, but didn't cos it was so late ("you could've, I'm still on the cpu..."), thought about calling but it was so late ("I took the cordless outta dad's room, so it wouldn't wake him up")...so he got online, hoping I'd be on...
...it was insane, I hadn't realised just how keyed up I'd been...you wouldn't believe what I felt when I saw him get online.....
...but he was *so* sorry..."I had no idea it was going to be that late".....and he said that he still needed to see me, to say goodbye...and asked if I was doing anything Thursday. "Nope..was just gonn ask you the same thing.. *smile*" So, he sugegsted we head down to Jitter's for lunch on Thursday ("it's supposed to be a "family" day, but dad will just have to give me up for an hour :)".."prolly is for me, too, but..y'can only take so much family..*").
...he "needed" to see me.....he apologised profusely.....and how could I ever stay mad at him? *half-smile*...I should've know it'd work out...it always does.....why did I doubt him like I did?..something I'm gonig to ahve to learn, I think...I was thinking abuot it afterwards (while goping about with such an impossibly huge smile on my face, feeling all warm and fuzzy *smile*)...and, I have this huge general trust in people, I think...I'm pretty free with telling people things abuot myself, even if I've only known them a little while, if they seem nice enough, or whatever, y'know?...and I don't worry about people stalking me online or anything like that, I'll talk to whoever (unless they're obviously a creep), I trust Meg, whom I've never met in "real life", with so much...all this...but, I think...somehow, I don't always completely trust my friends. I mean, I *trust* them, but I don't...I doubt them sometimes, I think. I doubt myself, I doubt whether they really like me or not..like, I *know* they do, but..I dunno, it's strange, I don't think I can explain it right, it doesn't sound lik it really is, it's...*sigh* ...but I've got to have more faith in them, I think. I do, but then...well, yeah, you read all that above, me doubting my dear Blake like that.
And then? ...he started an ezjournal-thing, my sister caught the link in his away message on aim earlier today. The only entry so far was written up yesterday. 'Tonight's the bonfire at Ananda's [tho he used my real name]'...'she's my oldest friend, I've known her longer than anyone'...'it's going be hard to say goodbye'...all this stuff, there were only three paragraphs total, and one was on me...
...
...*smile*...
...
...how'm I gonna leave him???
(and everyone...that's the thing, I've only talked about Blake on here, but that's cos...I *really* don't know what I'm gonna do without Daf and Laur...that's just...unimaginable......*sigh*)

*Ananda Daydream * 5:58 PM * *

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