***stardust

Wow, Laur... you have any idea how much you sound like I did, about the beginning of last year?
*smile*
...but...I don't know. See, *you* still have that...the passion about it. ...to you, it prolly just looks like cynicism, etc...but...it's not, not quite. Me? *half-laugh* ...I've made it to college, passed that huge sign that says FREEDOM AHEAD.....and what've I done with it?
Spent tons of time on my cpu. Drew a bunch of pics for my sister. Written some fanfic. Watched a heck of a lot of Star Trek. ...watched people chatting and joking and laughing with their friends, sat on the outside and just watched...daydream...listen to music...
...what kind of "life" is this??
...ideal in so many ways, yes - I've got a philosophy class that I think's gonna be great, am definitely learning in Art History..and prolly will learn in my theory classes as well. And I've plenty of time to myself, to pursue the things I want - namely, art, music, writing.
...but...
...I stop to ask myself, what am I *doing* with it?
...and okay, maybe I shouldn't be too hard on myself, I'm still a student, still learning...but then, you are your entire life, so that's no excuse...*sigh* I don't know.

..listening to "Change" by Accuface... "I know you're out there. I know that you're afraid of us. You're afraid of change." And it's this whole fast-paced cool techno thing...and it carries you along, this whole driving thing...and it's like, yay, this's my generation, the world's changing, with the internet and the wealth of information there...
...but then I stop and I'm like, wait.
What have I done that's at all worthwhile?
..contributed a few stories, a few rants...ooo, yay, what angsty teen hasn't? ...some drawings, and they're nice, but... ...can play flute, but...
...what can I *do* with this?...everyone's always told me how blessed I am, with all these talents - intelligence, art, music, everything - but I don't know what to *do* with them. ...everyone else *knows* what they want to do, or at least, have a direction...but me?...I've changed my mind a thousand times, I could go in so many directions that I've no idea which path to follow.....
...and most days? I just sit on the cpu, writing to friends, reading bmb and megatokyo, writing some fanfic or playing in photoshop...read some...draw and write some...
I've written some letters for Amnesty Int'l, yes, I helped found Leo Club in the high school, yes, I've helped sponser Samweli and the others, yes...
...but for 18 years?
...that's not a lot to show.....

But getting back to where I started, what I'd *meant* to say... Laur - yer not alone in where you are now, that's just where I was last year. *Exactly* where I was, so many times, have you any idea? *smile* ...just, the pointlessness of it all (why d'you think I came in late, went home early, so many times - me, who'd always had perfect attendence? *wry grin*)... ...ah, whatever, you've all heard it before from me (check the archives here if you don't remember *g*)...just Laur, I'm always willing to listen if ya need to vent. *smile*

*Ananda Daydream * 6:35 PM * *

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