"Is it all just wasted time?
can you live with yourself when you think of what you've left behind?.."
- "Wasted Time", Skidrow

^ just randomly came up in WinAmp..but it's become one of those nights...Dionysos (yes, time for new code-names..yes, I know, it's largely pointless, but I don't care. 's my blog. *g*) has been..monosyllabic on aim tonight...and while yeah, he's probably just talking to other people, and I know he's been sick and everything else...but still... ..and then what happens but The Gloria Record comes up on WinAmp right then. Damnit.
*sighs*
...why do I always get like this? cos I do. I never mean to..never want to..but then I do, and I stay down here...the littlest, tiniest thing will set me off..when I know it shouldn't at all.....ran into him twice today on my own, talked a little bit, which was really cool..

"Where the good times gone?
know it's stupid but
all the shit we've done
where the good times gone
well I still don't know.." ( - "Where the Good Times Gone", Nickelback)
(..how does my winamp always know just what to play for me?)

*thinking for awhile*
...I think I might have it...it's that I really *do* take people's opinions of me to heart...what they think of me is so very important.....with a lot of people, it doesn't matter, I really don't care that much..I mean, all thru high school, I wore whatever I wanted to, I didn't care what anyone else thought..hell, I carried a Monkees lunchbox around for a year or two!!! *laughs* ...but...one flute lesson where I knew I hadn't done my best, and my teacher was disappointed in me...one failed math quiz...one critique of my singing...Laurel, I know exactly how you feel with Mrs. Westby this year, being scared of her...I was too...thinking back.....that's the thing, keep in mind, my opinions of her and everything else, are me looking back at it all...and I *did* learn some incredible things in that class, it was wonderful...but there *were* a lot of days where I simply and completely did not want to go to english class. Didn't. ...was scared to death of the Westby-glare, of her disapproval, I still hadn't filled out any college applications or whatever...we were all scared of her...and yeah, we laugh about the Westby-glare and all now...but it wasn't so funny then, some days...I totally understand where you're at...except for you I'm sure it's worse, cos you *are* a writer...(I am on occasion, but only now and then, I think..and even then..*shrugs*..I dunno..)..
But getting back to where I'd started this...certain people's opinions *do* matter to me, *ever* so much...I'm always so anxious to hear what Daf and Laur and Mom and Megs think of a story or a drawing...I want them to like it...there was some quote somewhere, can't remember it exactly, but something about an artist always having to do the opposite of what the public thinks it wants...but you want your work...yourself...to be liked, so very much.....this is why I'm trying to get better with telling people, just how great I think their drawings or websites or whatever are...cos I know where they are.....extend that, and this's (partly) why I tell people now, a lot more than I did before, just how much they mean to me...because I know it's important...cos I've had so many days where I felt so alone.....and it's only because of my friends that I've been able to get back up out...

"I need the crowd..." ( - Bono, in the middle of live versions of "Electric Co.")

...so.....when Blake kept having to run off whenever I started talking to him on aim..then his away message said he was hanging out in some girl's room...it hurt.....Dionysos turned us down last night, saying he had to stay in and study, etc. etc...later last night, his away messages said he was watching a movie with these two girls..then something about a sleepover.....
*sighs*
..but they're such *little* things, and even *I* can easily explain them away...yet there's this little shadow creeping in...

"Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
when you shoved it in my face
explain again to me..."
( - "Blurry", Puddle of Mudd)

...why does it all get to me?..it shouldn't.....and not just with those two either, obviously...when Daf happily chatters away about getting to come visit Fredonia during open house, and I only just heard about this possiblity last time I talked with Calypso..and getting to see me's only a side-note...Daffy, Calypso, I'm sorry, I don't mean it like that..I've no idea how hard it is for the two of you to be apart..you've every right to spend time together, you really do...I'm not attacking you guys at all, I'm just saying.....but Daffy, we've been through all this before, you and me and Laurel.....I'm sorry, it's just..one of those nights...
*sighs again*
...I was gonna say something relevant and meanful here tonight for once...yeah, right.....meh.

Music is one of the strongest forces in this world.

...
*smiles slightly*...I love my winamp.....

"Oh come back above
where there is only love...

Let me love you true
Let me rescue you
Let me bring you to where two roads meet..."
( - "The Ground Beneath Her Feet"; lyrics by Salman Rushdie, music and performance by U2)