"I know she wants more than a party
Party Girl
And she won't tell me her name, oh no, not me..."
- "Trash Trampoline and the Party Girl", U2

Happy birthday to me?
Why is it that all this shit always comes up right around my birthday? Last year, that's when the semi-depression, I guess it was, that I sunk into, hit right around my birthday..yesterday, I got into an actual *fight* with my brother..something that hasn't happened in a *long* time..and we're still not exactly on easy terms.
He's..maybe it's just me, but it *does* seem he's being a jerk lately. I don't know. Talking with Dad and Himeros (yay code names? ..and this is even now closer to being apt than when I first chose it.. ^_~), they've told me how matantis seems to've been acting lately..shit he's pulled...but listening to Mom and matantis talking today, they're of the opinion he hasn't changed at *all*...but, I don't know. He *has* changed over the years..if not at heart, then at least on the surface. Yeah, school gets a lot different after 7th grade, but that doesn't explain away grades falling from the 90s to the 50s and lower. And that car accident he got into awhile ago? ..wasn't so much an accident as he ever said..as Dad thinks...he was screwing around on that icy road, the thing's his *own fucking fault*. That pisses me off, I had friends who *died* in a winter car accident..... I don't know. And he's just been *mean* the past few days..maybe it's just me, I'm not used to it..
..but who am I to believe anymore? Dad and Matt *both* exaggerate things, twist things, leave out or add in details to suit their own purposes - they're looking more and more alike each day, almost..
I've finally found someone to love..who loves me...but my brother won't let us be together...and I'd just say well fuck him, I don't care..but tantis is Himeros' best friend still..I can't ruin that..tho matantis seems to've ruined it himself now..no matter what we do...the only way it seems we can appease him is to break this off entirely...but I can't do that! The *one* time, I've *finally* maybe got something..someone..I'm not going to miss another chance, God only knows how many I've let slip past me already.....no more.
But it's tearing Himeros apart...he cares about the both of us a lot.....

So, there's that, for one. And sitting in the car today, on the way to dinner with the grandparents and Mom and merani-chan and matantis...listening to the talk around me...tantis is talking about how he wants a *nice* room, with all-new stuff, not this second-hand, second-rate crap he's always settled for..how he wants a job so he can do this...and Fight Club came to mind, the guy who had the perfect apartment, all the right furniture, all the right clothes, for this corperate success...what the fuck is *that*?! ..and mom's going along with it, saying yeah, that sounds nice...and while ok, yeah, I can see her wanting a tv with a decent-sized screen...still.
Materialism is scaring me again.
..and I'm a little scared myself, cos I realised, I keep up at the rate I'm going..I'm gonna have *so* many cds and dvds and everything...so much baggage, really...I dunno. Like, I *need*, just about, to have everything right there, for reference, or when I'm suddenly in the mood to listen to something, or want to find an old sketch, or whatever...but then, it *is* all this baggage...that book I read over the summer, The Gospel According to Larry, keeps coming to mind every now and then...that was one of the most incredible books I've read. Cos it's so *real*...the main character saw things *just* the way I see them..or, did, a few years back, when I was in full rebellion-against-society mode - I've lightened up lately and it's bothering me...and a whole movement gets started on the internet..and U2 picks up on it..the book was *perfect*.
And very, very plausible.
I want to do that.
..but do I ever?
No.
...that's one of the (many, many) things Himeros and I have talked about...we want to know everything there is to learn about the world...he wants to expereince it all..and, in a way, so do I...the difference is, he's not afraid, he just goes out there and *does* it. ...and I'd never thought of it that way before, butmaybe that's what I am, deep down: afraid. I'm so reluctant to leave what I know...I mean, I *love* doing it, once I get there, in a new environment, everything fresh and fascinating...but, thinking about it, making myself do it, I get that nasty knot in my stomach, I get tense and cranky. (This is part of what it was about this time last year - thinking about college, trying to do applications, that's what I kept running into...this unreasonable, inexplicable reluctance...Blake ran into it too, but neither of us ever knew why..).
But getting back to where I started there.. I'm sitting there in the car, half-listening to all this...and feeling so far away from it. Radiohead's "Creep" popped into my head, and stuck for the rest of the night: "I don't belong here..."
I don't know if I belong here anymore...the way I've seen my brother getting, it's just *mean* sometimes..and maybe I'll change my mind in a day or two, but...I don't know. I still love him, admire him in a lot of things..but then..that doesn't change the fact that I'm upset with him. Dad, I'm getting along with right now, but about a week ago..and I'm betting a few days from now..I don't want to take any more of his shit, and I *hate* seeing what it does to merani-chan..and I bet that's one of the things affecting matantis, too.
Merani is the one I'm still closest to...tho there are some days, like today, she's distant...but still, we can relate the best, I think..
Even my friends..I love them all dearly, but...I don't know. Hell, with Heather and Blake and most of my friends from high school, we've all drifted apart..we can still talk, yeah, and hang out, I still care a lot about them..but, we're growing apart, I can see it already, we're all creating new worlds for ourselves..and moving away from our old joint-world of high school that we once inhabited.
And now...Britty and Erin and all the rest, are family to me, as well. We've all lived and worked and played together for months..when you live with people, you *do* get close...and I'm missing them an awful lot right about now - I was out walking through the fields yesterday, plowing my way through the deep snow..and I suddenly wanted to build a snow fort and things, and wished Britty was here.
I'm growing back into the world of *this* room, by the time I have to leave again it *will* be hard, but...in a lot of ways, it'll be wonderful to be on campus again..in charge of my own life, at least comparatively.
Here, I can't even have a guy in my room alone with me anymore...

I don't know. It's been a strange day... I'm nineteen years old now, but who *is* this nineteen-year old in the mirror? The clothes feel right, the hair looks right..but I don't know what's in these eyes anymore.....