***stardust

Ooog... weekend flew by WAY too fast.. but it's been really, *really*, nice... *smiles* (This is gonna be long..again...but hey, y'all wanted me to update, ne? *g*)

Got dragged outta bed *far* too early this morning...8am...went to church. whee. *shrugs* Not that it was *bad*, just... I dunno. They really tend to go off on small points, or re-iterate the same ones over and again, or instruct on something largely irrelevent to me...and maybe it's just that I'm not listening hard enough, maybe it's just that I've biased myself against it all a little, but... *sighs* I really don't know. I haven't *gotten* anything from a sermon at Pearce in a long time, this isn't something new... not that Dad will ever understand that, so we go, cos it makes him sooo happy that we do..and I know that's *so* the wrong reason to go, but..look, I'm not gonna put a damper on his Easter Sunday..and I don't *mind* going...and sometimes I *do* pick up something good...just..not often. Today, tho, I figured out where Salome is in the Bible, and that made me happy. *g* (She was with the two Marys when they saw Christ crucified, and went to visit the tomb three days later and saw the stone rolled away.)
Was interesting to see Josh Johnson up there among those leading the singing, tho...beard still intact. *has to laugh* Josh's great, tho. *smiles* ..he's one of the people you never knew really well, but talked to now and again, and realise later that you miss...

Came back home, considered napping, but wound up coming back downstairs and talking to people on aim a bit..
And talked to Himeros.
..who, prior to me talking to him on aim last night, hadn't realised I was home. (I forget that matantis *never* knows when I'm going to be home..and also didn't realise just how little the two of them see each other anymore, so didn't know Himeros wouldn't've heard..)

Warning: severe reneging on past proclamations follows. do not read if you fear you might want to kill me, or at the very least, verbally tear me out and yell at me as I've probably instructed you to do should I ever say what I'm going to say.

Anyway.. he said he was sleepy, too.. and it wouldn't be so bad, but he was really lonely, cos there was no-one around to talk to or anything. So, I suggested he come over here for a bit and hang out, or we could meet up by the fields by the watertower or something. He suggested driving somewhere, cos he still can't walk well.. "what'd you do??" ...turns out he broke his foot riding not long ago. He hasn't got a cast or anything, but he's still limping really bad, he can't walk on it at all.. I said I just didn't want Tantis to get pissed, seeing Himeros stop over and pick me up.. so we agreed to meet back at the watertower in a bit.
I got changed, swept the floor..Dad came home, I unpacked the groceries and frosted merani-chan's birthday cake (which we had early, cos I won't be home for her actual b-day next weekend..tho goodness, she's already GOTTEN all her presents, I think.. *laughs*). I said I was going for a walk, and headed out. Got up to the water tower, looked about for Himeros, started walking back towards the bike trails and the field.. then a van pulled up, and there was Himeros.
"*laughing* I meant to take a *walk* up by the water tower! It's too *nice* to sit in a van in weather like this!!"
"Oh. Okay.."
(He like, *just* got his liscence, too... and tantis was saying he's not really that great of a driver. ..why I'm suddenly listening to tantis after everything lately, I dunno, but, I was still a bit nervous about it, so I worked around it all..)
He got out of the van, and we walked down the trail a bit.. and he was like... I felt so bad! he couldn't walk on that foot at *all*, he was hopping on the other foot all down the trail.. so we didn't go far, we sat down on the the bit of a grassy hill that runs up next to the main trail.. and we just talked for awhile, which was nice.. just, random stuff for awhile.. and then, inevitably, talk turned to the two of *us*..... and he said again how sorry he was for how things kinda ended up going, that one time online, and everything else..*sighs*...he *really* *is* sorry, though, I know..and I'm not just being love-blinded fool again, honest, I'm not. I knew even then that I was jumping things a little, I went and unleashed all my hurt in the form of anger at him before he had a chance to explain himself properly...he chose his words and things wrong, and I jumped to conclusions, and just spewed everything there and... it was the both of us. And it was bad. But we got through it, we're on good terms again and everything's fine... and then he told me how impossibly much he missed me..how much he always misses me... and I told him that yeah, I miss him, too... and we talked about some things (which I'll get to in a minute)..and he put his arm around me. *sighs* ...I can't even describe how it feels just being held in someone's arms....I know, I'm sorry, I'm making the singles out there sick, in another week this'll make *me* sick, but right now...... ..and then he kissed me, then again, and again, and.....
...we pulled back a bit, talked a little more, I rested my head on his shoulder, his arm around me and his hand on my side...looked into each others' eyes, and he said how much he loves just locking eyes with someone like that, making that connection and just *being* there with them...and I feel the same...(that's how this whole blasted thing started, back in December, was us locking gazes behind my brother's back..*wry grin*)... then there was some more of the kissing and stuff, and...
Then we heard a motorcycle coming down the path. We let go of each other, sat innocently side by side on the hill, watched. It was my Dad. *groans* ...he hadn't known I was back there to meet with Himeros, he just thought he'd stop by since he was riding around anyway... so, very casually, I'm just like, "Yeah, I kinda ran into someone on the way back here.." Himeros followed it up, "Actually, I ran into *her*, I was out running errands for my mom, then on the way back I came up this way, and saw her, and was like, heyy.." *half-laughs* No idea if he bought it in the least, but it doesn't matter, he didn't say a word to me about it later, and he didn't see anything, so I don't care.. Then he said something about Tantis going out riding, and wasn't Himer going with? ..he was like, oh yeah, that's right, I was going to go with them..I was gonna leave in a minute anyway... and Dad rode off, and Himeros got up and started back towards the van.. he offered me a hand to pull me up, I jumped up and said no, no, *he's* the one that needed help, and I started to put my arm around him to let him lean on me so he didn't have to hobble so bad...but he refused and walked on his own, damned male pride... 9_9
There were little kids about, so he said he'll see me in a few weeks, gave me a quick kiss, "Goodbye hun," and left... he'd offered me a ride to the end of my street, but it's like a minute walk, I said I was fine..

*sighs* So, yeah, throw every stale breadstick you have on hand at my head now.

Y'through? 'k good, now let me explain..
Granted, my view is COMPLETELY biased and scewed and everything, cos the one downside to kissing is it TOTALLY fucks up *any* sort of thought processes you might've had goin'. But I've been turning this over in my mind at intervals since this afternoon, plus dissected it all with Megs (and her Lil-Lar *g*) and Laur. ..thanks again, guys, ever so...you really helped me out, even if all it was was straightening out my own thoughts, and making me look at things I might've otherwise pushed aside and tried to ignore...
So, Himeros' reasoning..
He really, really, cares about me. A lot. I know that now.. (I did before, but I went into my stupid uncertainty shite again and then wasn't sure. gah.) And I still really care about him, he's a sweetheart and I can talk with him about anything and he's creative and maybe not school-smart as much, but life-smart, and insightful and..you've heard this all before. He's a great guy.
It's just that, well.. he's a teenage boy, is the trouble.
Guys? ..let me like him..but watch that I don't get *too* serious...please...I'm afraid I might try to, and if I do, point me back to this entry, please...I'll try to stay grounded, but it's hard sometimes...
He told me that he's *not* doing the going-out thing. Hasn't in quite awhile, he's stopped it completely, apparently. He doesn't.. he doesn't want to just be seeing one person and only that one person, they become your whole world and he knows he's not ready for that, there are still too many other options out there, too many other people he has yet to meet. He knows that when people go out, they really don't see much of other people in general, even just to hang out, and if they do - insta-mega-drama. Which he hates. (And so do I... which's why I get pissed at myself for throwing myself into a great big messy pile of it like I've been starting to again. gah.) And he doesn't want that..blindness, I suppose. Which I totally understand. And to his mind.. there's not really a whole lot of advantage in going out vs. being close friends. Which I can follow, but only to a point. He acknowledges there are physical differences, but..I couldn't quite figure out how to explain the emotional difference. Cos, to me at least, there is one.. and I think to me it's mostly an issue of security, of *knowing* that they're still there.. I dunno. I've never even *been* in a real relationship like that, so how I'm trying to analyze things, I don't even know.
Anyway, I think I'm rambling, I'm sorry, I'll try to tie things up here...
But.. amongst all this.. he really, *really* cares about me.. and is drawn to me (so he says).. and...
*sighs*
I still really like the guy.
And he doesn't want to write anything in stone yet, which I understand, but he thinks a lot of me... what'm I to do with *that*?
*sighs again*
..not that I'm expecting answers...I don't even know myself......he asked me, what I want..what would make *me* happy...cos he wants me to be happy, that's why he sort of broke things off before, because he was afraid of hurting me, cos he knows he messes up sometimes... ...but I couldn't give him an answer. I don't know what I want, either.

*Ananda Daydream * 11:32 PM * *

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