***stardust

meh, some weekend. fecking undulation downswings.. >_<

I'm trying to figure out why I take criticism so incredibly badly. Granted, in today's case, it's probably at least partly due to the fact that hormones are about due for their monthly trip into insanity but still.. this isn't the first time (by far) that a comment, criticism, anything, no matter how kindly intended, has *hurt*... *sighs* whether the thing is rational or not (and whether *I* think it's rational or not), it rips my heart in half and I curl up into a fragile little ball and cry.
I don't know.. if maybe it's because I try to be so independent, that so many things about me are things I've consciously decided to make that way, that I've chipped away at and tried to make my own and make how I think it should be.. when someone attacks something I wear, it's not like I just bought it at the wrong store or that fashion passed a month ago..what I wear is what I *want* to wear and what I like and what I think works well or..I don't even know. I'm an artist, that's not something that just stays on a sheet of paper or canvas. Not by a long shot. I try to design a blog that looks different and unique, and I get complaints that it's messy and cluttered (which, admitedly, it's grown to be a little..I still intend on neating the coding and all up around here, once I can steel myself up to another 5+ hour stint of html) and takes too long to load and I don't even know, just...
I don't know if it's because I feel I'm being misunderstood, that I'm not making myself understandable, or if it's because there's so much of *me* in most things in my life and my self.. I don't even know if this makes any sense at all to anyone...
Or maybe it's just a random fault, that I don't take criticism well, and that's all there is to it.....but I don't like that answer, it's far too easy, it's like taking a few pills cos you're sad.

*turns up volume on the Sigur Rós concert she's watching*
*closes eyes and is lost.....*

Or maybe it's just because I'm so ridiculously emotional about everything anyway... my heart will swell with love for the world and the One who created it because of the way the light falls on a brick wall... Sigur Rós' "Viðrar vel til Loftárása"..there just aren't words for what that song does to me, it clenches my heart so tightly and it..silly of an analogy as this is, it's like when you grip a water balloon tightly in one hand, and it starts swelling out past your fingers, and there's this impossible tension and when it can't hold out any more it bursts..only that song holds the tension and won't let my heart burst, just holds it there so tightly and.....

*laughs a bit* And I ramble off again. Maybe I just don't take criticism well because I don't ike being wrong..not only is it embarassing, mortifying, but in this case it makes you question..possibly everything. Cos if you were wrong about that, how do you know that you're not wrong about so many other things..about *everything* else.....

...

..that's it. That's what the reason is. *dry laugh* figures. in the end, it just comes back down to that terrible insecurity that hides away deep within me, and I don't think ever entirely leaves.....

*Ananda Daydream * 10:43 PM * *

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