***stardust

*warning: in all probablity, the following entry contains large amounts of angsty melodramatic teen-romance frustrations. please do not read if you have low tolerance for such*

went over to Laur's this evening, hung out with her and Bethie and Erik and Julie and Holly and Melinda for a few hours, playing stepmania and watching strongbad e-mails and talking and things...it was nice.
yet... it didn't feel at all like a goodbye to any of them, though it should have, I suppose.....

got back here around midnight, got on aim..Himeros and I tried to decide on a time to get together tomorrow, then discovered that we'd both been thinking of going out for a walk in the summer-storming weather..so went out for a walk together, admist dark sky and spats of rain and lightening and thunder. *smiles* it was so cool.....
got to the end of the street, where I was to meet him, looked around and didn't see him, started walking in the direction of his street..when suddenly he said something from the shadowed area of a lawn on the corner, and I jumped like a friggin' mille. *laughs* ..cos here's glowing-pale me in a white tank top, and him in dark pants and a dark hoodie pulled up over his head.
and he just held me for a few minutes, and it was nice...
we started walking, my arm woven around his, and ended up going back to the field (yes, megs, in both senses of the term.. ^___~ ).. the ground was, of course, wet and all, so he decided to try to find the area where people'd brought back couches and things..it was in a different spot than I'd thought..actually in an overgrown cove of trees and vines and underbrush that I've poked into myself, summers past.. once he foud the entrance, we went back in a ways and found a couch and a leather recliner, in a round room of sorts of trees and plants and things.. just the sort of place I love being in - though, ehm, such places don't usually have furniture *giggles*. but yeah.. he dried off the chair with the sleeves of his hoodie, sat down, and motioned for me to sit in his lap, so we sat there curled up together for a long while, talking a little now and then but mostly just holding each other and being together.....
and then things eventually went, ehm, *coughs* places and stuff yeahhi. *blushes* but yeah... then we sat awhile longer still, talking about this and that..... it got near-on 3am, and he was def. wet from the chair and all and it was late and we were tired, so we headed out..walked back to the end of my street...
..and just held each other, for a long time, and talked a little, and he thinks his smile is silly but I love it, it's so bright and full and just..you can't help but grin at it. *smiles* and.....
back in the field, and then walking back, and then standing there, we talked about what we were gonna do..and just.... *sighs* there are still other girls he really likes, I'm apparently second on the list. 9__9 (physically I'm first tho, an' whether he meant how I look or in terms of, ehm, extent of things happening, this makes me happy. *g* ..really, I think it's the latter cos..well..apparently there've been a few firsts for *him* with me, too, which..is just cool. *grins shyly* but aaaanyway..) But thing is, the first girl is one he's been really, really good friends with for a long time, so it almost sounds like just a really close friendship with an extension here and there, I dunno..... He told me he doesn't want to hurt me, he's scared that if we settle in too seriuosly with things that he will..and he'd never *ever* wanna do that... "cos you're just so *sweet*~! ..you're like friggin' candy or something *licks my arm*" *'nanda diies* ...and he thinks..he thinks there's someone better for me out there, someone who won't bring as many complications into my life, someone my age, someone who has their life sorted out, who hasn't got a speech impediment, who smiles right... *laughs a little* But..I still care *so much* about him..and there'll be days when it wanes, but that's mostly cos I'm not sure about something, the moment I have it explained it's fine with me and he's probably already done about ten sweet and endearing things in the interim anyway. ..and he really cares about me too, but that's why he wants me to find someone while I'm at college..cos he wants me to be happy..... he told me again not to pass up any guy I see there, told me jsut to go out and find a guy and be happy, he started to try to make me promise..but I won't make a promise I don't know that I can keep. *smiles a little* I know very well that there are guys out there that I could hook up (and he says I'll find them..if I stay as cute and sweet as I am, they'll be there..but...) with who'd be less complicating to add into my life and whatever else but.....I can't leave Himeros, not yet, anyway...
but we'll still talk - he's getting a new computer, which's good, he's on aim a fair bit, I got his e-mail address (finally~!), I'll see him whenever I come home... ...and, really..*dry laugh* it wouldn't surprise me at all if things ended up going like they have the past year anyway, 'least 'til/if I find a guy at school...... it's really not as drastic a thing as it sounds, it's not like we broke up - we were never going out, and it's not severing anything, not even really changing much 'cept, ehm, afewdetailswhichhavesomehowimpossiblybecomealotofourtimetogether *coughs*.
so we stood at the end of my street for awhile, just holding each other, kissing long and slow and longing.... he told me to smile, to try to be happy, "that's what all of this is for"... and he pulled away and turned to go... "see ya melissa"..."see ya bri"..... (and he doesn't call me by name often, i'm locking away the sound of it from his lips into my memory tonight...)
and we both started walking our seperate ways, and I hold my arms tight and looked to the sky and wanted to cry and.....
considered a moment,
then turned and *ran* full-out after him, eyes peering through the city-glow-lit-night looking for him, turning onto the road that leads from his to mine...and finally I spotted him on the other side of the road, ran to him--
--and it was definitely a full-out tackle-glomp and I very nearly knocked him over *laughs*.
and we held each other a minute more and I told him... "I don't know if this means anything to you, but I love you.." [when we were talkign abck at the field, he spouted his theory on how people who say I love you don't mean it, if they really loved they wouldn't need to say it..*laughs a little*..which I *totally* don't hold with - and told him so - but I can see how he'd get to that..] "You can't say that.." "I know, I know.." "Don't do that to yourself.." *sighs* ..thing of it is, I *do* love him...and, as with Blake a few summers ago, I'm not sure how far into romantic love it is (tho with Himeros it's certainly more than it was with Blake, at least at the time I told him), but I know it's a love....
and he said that for real this time, we had to go, and I said I know... and we parted, for real.... he called after me, reminding me again to "think dirty thoughts about other guys!!!" *giggles helplessly* ..so we did leave smiling..... I glanced back once, seeing his dark form headed towards his street, as I walked down mine......

came back inside to find merani-chan and devon and briee on the pulled-out couch-bed, when I came in they all sat up and demanded to know what'd happened *laughs*. ehm, needless to say, they didn't get details of any sort, just that we held each other and sat and kissed and frenched and made out *giggles*. [note to the afore-mentioned jr. high kids: frenching is a much more common aspect of kissing in general than you guys still think. *g* not that you wanted to know. but it's not as gross as it sounds, honest. ..but then, you guys think Himeros is gross when he's fecking gorgeous, soooo... *g*] so I ended up laying down at the foot of the bed-thing while the three of them squirmed and annoyed each other and asked about Himeros and whatever for like an hour.
oh yeah. and I'm macaroni'n'cheese now. (which I'm quite ok with - macaroni'n'cheese => ez mac => mackie guuuuh ^~____~^ ) An' Himeros is soap (also fine.. esp. since this came just after briee'd gone off on images of Himeros showering and I diiiied *gheee*), merani is ~~banana~~ ramen, devon is walnuts, and briee is cheese. dad is carrot 1 and beth is carrot 2.
I have no fecking clue but it's amusing. *giggles*
..but thanks to the three of them for listening and caring that I was sad and all.. ^_^

anyway, yeah. I'm fecking tired. GAH shite it's 5am already!? damn. *laughs* I don't even know if Himeros and I are gonna get together tomorrow like we'd orifginally planned or if tonight took the place of that...in any event, meeting up with *Blake* to go to Jitter's at 3.30, so, ehm.. I should sleep. (but I'm having the biggest crisis ever cos I'm *really* thirsty but I can still taste Himeros-ness and I'll lose that soon enough, I don't want to hasten the process.....blah.)

so yeah, g'night all.....

*Ananda Daydream * 5:11 AM * *

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