***stardust

Wonder if it's just the way society's really grown, or if so many people have always had such deep insecurities about themselves and their lives... don't take me wrong, I'm doing alright myself right now, but I know I haven't always, despite what most people have seen of me, but it's the number of people around me that I see...and even people I don't even know, a good half of the ljs and blogs and things abound with people not sure of themselves or who they are, people trying to be what they think those around them want them to be, people who play up for sympathy but even they may still actually have a really deep insecurity, and that's why they always ask for attention, cos...mm. I'm not really sure why, cos I've always been the opposite, I always have been - and still often am - afraid to ask for attention cos I don't want to be a pain, I don't want to be a burden on anyone's mind, particularly if I'm feeling worthless, cos then I don't think I'm worth the trouble, I wonder at what benefit I could possibly be to all these people, and don't want them to come help me cos I'm not worth it...
Again, don't worry, I'm not feeling that way right now.....to a small degree, maybe, cos I have people who think so very, very much of me, and I can't quite see all that they do, and I'm just so scared that I'll let them down, cos I *don't* feel that I'm as much as they think that I am.....being loved can be just as hard as loving.
But just...I don't know. Is it really human nature, this sort of lack of self-worth? I mean, granted, in the overall scheme of Everything, we *are* pathetic little pithy things, whinging on about our petty little dilemnas, our souls will always yearn for something more...
...but at the same time, I mean, idk, you think of like pioneer days and you don't think of the teenagers *then* being busy wondering about whether their lives have meaning and considering just leaving a circle of friends that they don't feel they're any use to and constantly feeling so empty...
...maybe it *is* because our society's so comfortable, yeah we have all the complications of work and school and people and all, but we're not, y'know, fighting daily for our very existance.
...but I wouldn't think human nature could really change like that, it's probably just that since people had less contact with each other that these things didn't get amplified so much, or maybe they just weren't spoken of..
..maybe C.S. Lewis' point about sexuality has broader applications: He pointed out that people say that all of the modern frankness about sexuality - not only what it is but what all of it's twists and turns and convolutions are, pornography, rape, incest, masturbation, lust, strip-clubs, prostitutes, pre-marital sex (and I'm not trying to link these together nor am I passing judgement, I'm just listing).. people say that all this openness is a good thing, far better than hiding it and ignoring it like was done in the past...
...but how much more convulted has everything become now that it's out there? How many high school pregnancies, how many 14 yr olds who've already done it, how many abortions and how many cheating spouses and how many people picking someone up for just a night, I read part of a blog of a woman who that's her *job*, it's a fully legitimate service where she's hired for any number of things, it's not officially prostitution it's under "adult entertainment" and any number of other names...

But I'm trailing away from my point, if I had one... We probably all *do* have to go through the self-worth thing, it's just that its extreme prevalance and the depth of the rut it gets people into worries me, it really does...
And it's so easy to get so caught up in your own problems, we're all naturally self-centered, to varying degrees, we can't help a lot of it... and there are so few people that you find that you can really fully trust and rely on, and even when you've found them, complete trust is such a hard, hard thing to feel...
...but if you don't trust, you'll always question and doubt, and you'll never really be at rest...not that any of us quite ever are, and I don't think that figuring out yourself and your place in the world and things with those around you *ever* reaches a finishing point, Laur had a really good point on her blog, we never *do* "grow up", we never hit a place of complete knowledge and wisdom in all situations... I've watched my dad sort through the same sort of moronic fucking drama I dealt with in high school, I heard him saying on the phone to a friend that when he was 30 he thought he knew everything, now he sees how little he knows, he's 45.

All that you can ever do is what you think is best, no-one can ask you for more than that, and you're gonna make mistakes but those who care will see past those, and help you through it.

And hard as it is, there are some whom you just need to trust, for your own sanity and theirs.

I don't think any of us can ever see our own true worth - God knows *I* can't, and by the accounts of others I'm a pretty good person.. and I can see some good in me, but it's the faults that'll always glare straight back, they tell me I'm an angel and all I can think of is the wrong I've done them or the hurt I've caused them at some point...
I re-read some of my first entires on here not long ago.. at this point two years ago, I was so lost and had no idea what to do and couldn't see my hand in front of me, it was that dark... but I had my friends and I had some amazing teachers in my life and people near me, and God's help, and I somehow just pushed through it all, and it was so, so fucking hard, I knew I wouldn't but I understood suicide, I saw how easy it would be for everything to just *stop*...
I still understand it, that hasn't changed, but I know now that it would hurt those who care about me so very, very deeply, far more than I could hurt them otherwise. I lost a friend in a car accident, and it was someone I hadn't even talked to in a year or two, and I still cried, so much, it still hurts, I miss him..... and that was an accident, even, with a suicide...everyone who knew you wonders what they did wrong, wishes you could've seen how much they loved you, wishes you'd known and aches to know that somehow, they weren't able to make you see it, cries that you thought this was the only answer...

..and now I'm just slip-sliding from one thing to another, I don't do well with staying on one point...
..but things *do* interrelate, so deeply that half the time we can't even see how they're connected, though we can't help but feel that they are.....

To my friends, whom I love...just know and trust that I am always, always here, and I will always care. I don't say "love" lightly, and when I say it, I mean it for always, no matter what happens, I will still care and be concerned about you. My friendships are few but so very, very strong, they don't break at all easily, I will go through fucking Hell itself and not let go of your hand. I wish I could always help you all, but some things, I don't know that I can... there are some strengths, much-needed, that can only be found by yourself, and though we all need ones to love us and lend us strength, we still need to have our own store of it as well...
But still, I'm here, even if all I can do is stand with you, I'll be here.

*Ananda Daydream * 3:48 PM * *

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~