***stardust

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Y'know how you sometimes just get those moments, where everything is absolutely *perfect*, your heart just fills over and you don't even know what to do or say, it's just, everything is perfect and you're so completely and fully *happy*, these moments of sheer bliss...

Landed right in a big one tonight, it's wonderful. *smiles* Talked to Megs, my dearest friend and someone who understands me more than I ever thought anyone could (and who also posted a far better summary of our awesome weekend than I did *giggles*)... called Erik, my boyfriend..and I spent half the conversation just, I was curled up at the end of my bed, laughing and beaming and blushing, he's funny and sweet and so wonderful... Watched tv and talked with Britt, the best roommate ever, she was feeling a little down cos the Erin-thing got brought up tonight..but I told her, she really is awesome..she's an all-around amazing person, and such a great roommate. Then it was Queer Eye we were watching, and omg it was the *sweetest* episode ever, the straight guy was amazing and so in love with his new wife and just *so* *sweet* (ehm, as well as impossibly hot, but this's only partly the point *giggles*).. and by the end of the episode, not only had Jay and Carson and we think Kyan started crying, but Britt and I very nearly did too...
..and for me it was all hitting double, cos so many things kept making me think of Erik again, just all the sweet little things this guy did and said made me think of Erik, and all the sweet little things that he does.....

and..just...... that bliss, it's surrounded me this whole evening...

And something made me think of Micky, so I put in Demoiselle which I haven't listened to in like, three years... and the songs are just demos, so most're just kinda whatever, y'know, but the two I adored then I still adore, I just meeeelted...and then I listened to the bonus track, a live performance of "Since I Fell For You"...and omg Micky is amazing. <3 Britt and I were just blown away, at the time I had a feeling it was good, but now, I know just how incredible a performance it is and what an amazing singer he is...so now I've got in "Pool It!" cos I was gonna listen to Justus but I'm far too happy. *giggles* And this, I've not listened to in about three years either, but I've still such a connection to these songs and though had anyone asked, I wouldn't've been able to recall the lyrics, here I am singing along with every song (down to inflection - much to Britty's amusement, as I leap/crack up to a high note along with Davy in "Every Step of the Way")...
And Britt and I got into (yet) another discussion about music, and all that it means... it can be the cheesiest song, but if it pulls at you and you have these memories and feelings tied to it, then it holds meaning and it has worth...
...and it's the same with art, I mean, I started thinking about this earlier today when one of my classmates asked why I was going into Media Arts and not an art major... I don't have any sort of ambition with what I do, in music or art, I know I'm good but I'm not a genius or anything by any means, nor would I ever claim to be, but at the same time..I don't want that anyway. I have no desire to see my work up in an art gallery or see my writing all over or hear myself on a record that's topping the charts, I mean it'd be amazing, I can't even imagine..but I don't have the drive for it, to be a music major, an art major, you have to have the confidence in yourself and just, you have to be able to be forceful about it..and it's not that I don't believe in what I do, cos I do, but for one thing, I can't force things on people like that, that's just not how I am, but also...I don't want to be a professional, that doesn't interest me in the least. That's not where the things I do belong, they need a nice quiet corner to hang out in.
Rather like *me*, uhm... *laughs*
My Phisto drawing that's presently on the wall behind me, the one of an as-yet unnamed Phisto with an arm around Mackie, whose hair has not yet turned completely dark... thinking about it, it really is pretty self-indulgent, but..I *like* it, it's one of my favourite things I've done. And with art, music, writing, with *anything*, it really *is* yourself you've got to please first - I forget if it was Bono who said this or someone else or if I actually realised it myself, but.. if *you* don't like a thing you've made, if it isn't something that's meaningful to you, then there might not be anyone it means anything to, if you like it than at least you know it works for one person... you really *do* have to please yourself first.
...
wheeeeee and my mind's back in the gutter. *dies giggling* sorry. *clears throat* I'm sleepy and spazzy and random. Continuing on...
The other thing too, is that my music and my art and my writing *are* all so very, very close to me..it's not that I lack the passion with any of them to push it and stay with it, it's that they're tied so closely to me that.. well, y'all know what one bout of not even particuarly harsh criticism did to me, it utterly killed me.. that's one of the reasons what I write, I don't usually put out there for people to see, I don't push it on anyone cos it's too close to me still..
..and partly cos I don't think that, as a whole, it's very good yet, I know a fair bit of it's shite cos most times, I just *write*, I don't do a whole lot of premeditating on things, I don't typically go back and do a whole lot of editing. With my stories I do, at this point, and those I end up quite proud of, but the rest.. and I still hesitate to call it poetry, cos I think that's too.. too *high* of a term, I think, I aspire to poetry, but I'm not there yet, at least with most of it. I may come near now and again, I have phrases and things I like, but.. ..so I'm gradually getting the things from my notebook onto my lj (its sole purpose; I do not go all uber-angst and shite over there, the writing gets that way now and again but partly cos, as said, I just *write*, also there's the fact that not every "I" is *me*, also some things are exaggerated a bit for the sake of writing), but I don't usually link to the thing or tell people to go read it, it's just there if anyone wants to see it, I know Megs reads it and I know I'll be able to read it now (unlike some of the miniscule scribbles in places in the actual notebook), and that's enough... some random person on lj friended me (and of *course* their lj is friends only, so I've no idea who this person is.. *refrains from getting back into the friending-rant*) but.. *shrugs* ..it doesn't matter one way or the other to me, it really doesn't.

..and mother of fuck, I was gonna study and get to sleep early tonight, but Monkees and blathering and chatting with Britty have distracted me like mad, yo. *laughs, shakes head* Time for bed, I think...

*Ananda Daydream * 1:19 AM * *

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