***stardust

someone do me a favour? find a reality for me and tie me down to it.

Today was good, today was something tangible, normal, fun, light, warm and comfy and familiar and good.

But even there.. the allure of an old building, wanting to find stories there, the mustiness of half-remembered things.. and then I come home, where I watch another handful of episodes of Queer as Folk and talk to Megs and.....

Summer gives me far too much time to think, I always say that's what I want, what I need, alone-time, time to sort through things and let all the varied debris from the past months settle.. but then they fall away and there's all this room left for things to chase themselves around in circles, and there's so little I have that I can hold on to lately...

..as if my mind didn't already throw itself into enough loops a few years back, college and various other things have just added to the whirlpool in there.....

But I've never had a good grip on reality, about 90% of the time, there's a damn big gap between inside my head and that outside reality-thing.. and the moment I try to get a grip on it, it slips further away...

maybe I just think too hard.

..or maybe I don't think enough, too many things happen to me that just sort of happen, it's not like I plan them...

Is that fate, God, or my own lack of direction?

maybe it's just that I've never liked the mundanity of the "real world", I always *hated* that idea, y'know, "when you get out in the real world..." I'm sorry, I don't think I'm ever gonna find it, my mind + reality just don't mesh. that, and just.. even in high school, in jr high, I was never content to fit in with the normal day-to-day dullness, not the exaggerated drama over nothing and not the tedium of classes and the same clothes as everyone else, y'all know that... scared the shit outta good ol' commonplace Blake (Heaven only knows why on earth I couldn't let go of him.. *laughs gently* ..two more opposite people - on the outside, at least - weren't in that school..) one day, cheerfully suggesting completely crumbling the dry structure of society.

what was it I had Mead say, that final band concert, about what I wanted to do, wasn't it that I was gonna be a rock star?

..I want a house, I want to plant gardens and have kids and cook dinners for my family, I want pets and I want to sew Hallowe'en costumes and I want to wrap Christmas presents. I really do.

But there's still that part of me that wants to run free, that wants to live out of the backseat of an old car, roaming around the country for awhile (if anyone leaves ANY comment about me not being able to drive yet, I refuse to reply, I've heard it enough thankyou), I want to travel, I want to see everywhere and hear the stories from everyone I meet, I want to write and I want to photograph, I want to create, I want to be a singer in a rock band, I want to be at a concert every night, I want to live in dreams and stardust...

...I have the dreams, just not the drive, ambition, or confidence to chase after them.

Confidence, I realised tonight, is not something I innately possess - it's something I only borrow from others, I only take on when they show it in me..

Maybe it's just the willingness to grab reality and bend it into a path for me to follow that I don't have.

Cos that's the thing - I have my dreams, but I don't know if I really *want* them. I want to always be able to see them, I can barely imagine how amazing it must feel to be onstage, lost in the music that's charged the air around you..

..but I don't want to be famous. There's nothing in that that appeals to me at all, nor in being rich, unless it's the ability to use that to help others.

...is this, then, what it is to be an artist? to be ever-caught between these myraid existances, these lives as countless as the stars in the skies, to catch a handful of stardust from one and spread it over the flower from another, and present to the world its own self...

..its self, as seen by your self, who's not even certain of the link between things tangible and in-...

..I really did have a good weekend, but my mind won't let me dwell on normal things just now, will get back to y'all when it does. I think I need to go draw for awhile... or write, only I fear that by writing I'll just lose what little grip on a self I have just now.

...summer vacation's about half-over, right?

*Ananda Daydream * 12:26 AM * *

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