...I thought the boy was asleep, so I stayed downstairs longer, until I felt calm enough to be in the same room again.

10pm, when he'd told me he planned to sleep at 9. (it usually takes him 5-10min to conk out.) He calls down to me. And I have to admit, tho a bit of me finds it absurd that he fails to sleep without me here... It's also really, really sweet.

...like 10min after initial angst over cable, he had actually forgotten what we were upset over. Totally over it, before I'd finished a first cathartic listening of U2's "Mercy". Me.. My heart still feels a lil heavy, even now. But.. the boy is sweetly holding me in his sleep. And I am listening to "Mercy" yet again. Should be able to sleep soon. Thinking this is AWESOME timing for an alarm/sleep timer to have FINALLY!!1! shown up for my zune. Absurdly overdue. Might listen to this song into my sleep... it's a bit of an addiction, the last two days.

Labels: life in general, navelgaze, U2 spazz

 
Blurgh. Too cranky to sleep.

Granted, I have been an idiot today. 1) We went out to dinner, and I failed to bring the appropriate gift card with me. 2) Realized when home, that I left my laptop cable at work.

Tom haaaaates going back out when we've just come home. It makes him seriously cranky, and it does not matter if it's only a five minute drive, it's the whole act of getting up and going out again. I can somewhat understand this.

My forgetfulness also makes him actively angry. Now I understand it can be frustrating, but he says it embarrasses him and makes him really angry. I suspect this is because he has great respect for my potential intellect, and it frustrates him when I fail to work it properly. (Stupidity makes him downright angry. It makes me, and most people, kind of sad and disappointed, but it makes him actually angry.)

So, after dinner and a stop at the grocery store, we got home, and I realized I didn't have my laptop cord. I called work, and Ashley answered with "hey! guess what you forgot?" I do not work tomorrow, and Monday we leave for NC for a few days to spend Thanksgiving with his dad and grandma. Tom said he was NOT going out again tonight, but grudgingly agreed to pick it up from Paper Factory after he got out of work tomorrow. (PF closes Sundays at the same time he gets out - he said they could just leave the cord outside.) This was vaguely okay, and I was willing to do this, and try to type on my main computer. (This is NOT something that really works for writing purposes, it's less comfy to type on this one, and it has waaaayyyy too many distractions.)

So, I called the store again, and this time Lucas answered. I said Tom was being a less-than-compassionate-person, and, without me asking, Lucas answered with a "well, I don't know exactly where you live, but I can drop it off for you after work".

I. love. these. people.

Thus, my facebook status became "I have the best coworkers on the planet. Lucas J DuBois you are my hero and I love you more than Thomas Hamilton right now. ;)".

...I do understand Tom's pov. But I would also like to point out that, if the car were broken, and HIS power cable was left somewhere, I would walk if needed to go retrieve it. (Really. It's a gorgeous night out, and I am seriously music-binging lately, I'd love the quality time with headphones cranked up.) Yes, he does go out of his way to take me to and pick me up from work every day, and I know that's been making him slowly crazy these past few months. So it's a big deal in his head, and I can understand that. So I'm (trying desperately to feel) not mad. He has also taken issue with my forgetfulness - which, honestly? Does not really hinder him on a day-to-day basis. It occasionally causes me annoyances, and costs us 30 seconds in leaving the apartment in the morning. "You should really do something about it." Wtfh am I supposed to do about forgetfulness??! I leave myself a hundred thousand notes when things are important. I get myself into schedule-mode for things like getting ready for work, and rarely forget things in those cases. Done. "It's embarrassing." And it's NOT embarrassing to me??! I called work, and whined to my coworkers, and they took pity on me and brought me my damn cable. That makes me feel like a winner in society?

...there. Off my chest. I can't go to bed with this crap running through my head. Now it can stay here and leave me alone.


Anyway. A few minutes past 9, I head out to where my road meets a bigger road, so Lucas can find me. Shortly thereafter, he pulls up - "I brought you this too" - my cakepan! Which I had forgotten, and knew I'd forgotten, but didn't feel it was worth the effort of retrieving, as I won't need it for awhile. And he handed me my cable, and I thanked him a lot, and he was so light and casual and friendly about it all.

And it's such, such, a simple act of kindness, but God did it mean the world to me tonight.

Labels: griping, life in general, navelgaze, storytime

 
I clung to bed far longer than I should have this morning. So much to do before our trip, and once I woke, I couldn't get back to sleep, between people talking outside and fretting over a few things at work (which I should only slightly be fretting about, if at all). I realized last night, I have responsibility burn-out again, and it's making it really rough to think about going in to work (which I'm doing for eight days straight before vacation), and get things done. Finally dragging myself up and away from the nice cozy little cove of the boy's arms, I stumbled into the bathroom and picked up Dorian Gray, to read another page or two to cling to for the day.

On a previous reading of the book, I'd marked a small heart next to a description of the breaking dawn. I read that portion slowly, thinking the beauty of the words might help me find some motivation for the day. But as I kept reading... I could scarcely believe how perfectly the words on the page pinned down the lurking gloom in my soul the last few mornings. (I could read this book forever.)


      There are few of us who have not sometimes wakened before dawn, either after one of those dreamless nights that make us almost enamoured of death, or one of those nights of horror and misshapen joy, when through the chambers of the brain sweep phantoms more terrible than reality itself, and instinct with that vivid life that lurks in all grotesques, and that lends to Gothic art its enduring vitality, this art being, one might fancy, especially the art of those whose minds have been troubled with the malady of reverie. Gradually white fingers creep through the curtains, and they appear to tremble. In black fantastic shapes, dumb shadows crawl into the corners of the room, and crouch there. Outside, there is the stirring of birds among the leaves, or the sound of men going forth to their work, or the sigh and sob of the wind coming down from the hills, and wandering round the silent house, as though it feared to wake the sleepers, and yet must needs call forth sleep from her purple cave. Veil after veil of thin dusky gauze is lifted, and by degrees the forms and colours of things are restored to them, and we watch the dawn remaking the world in its antique pattern. The wan mirrors get back their mimic life. The flameless tapers stand where we had left them, and beside them lies the half-cut book that we had been studying, or the wired flower that we had worn at the ball, or the letter that we had been afraid to read, or that we had read too often. Nothing seems to us changed. Out of the unreal shadows of the night comes back the real life that we had known. We have to resume it where we had left off, and there steals over us a terrible sense of the necessity for the continuance of energy in the same wearisome round of stereotyped habits, or a wild longing, it may be, that our eyelids might open some morning upon a world that had been refashioned anew in the darkness for our pleasure, a world in which things would have fresh shapes and colours, and be changed, or have other secrets, a world in which the past would have little or no place, or survive, at any rate, in no conscious form of obligation or regret, the remembrance even of joy having its bitterness, and the memories of pleasure their pain.

- from The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde. (text snagged from Project Gutenberg)

Labels: art, books, life in general, navelgaze

 
Posts have been scarce, I know. I've been on Twitter a looot, since most things are just fleeting little thoughts. But in other news, there has been:
- A walk through town (where I bought an old book on the Johnstown flood! woo!).
- Lots of cooking (macaroni salad = awesome, potato salad still kind of a fail, no idea why).
- Paper Factory picnic, where everyone brought food, Tom kicked total ass at croquet, and a good time was had by all despite drizzy weather
- Lots of banners and invitations and things (some headaches, some awesome).
- Saw Iron Man 2 - though the highlight of that trip was probably DJ's usual insanity as we (Tom, me, DJ and his gf) had burgers at Red Robin afterwards.
- Mom's graduation from MCC up in Rochester - we made a day of it, tried out the Ethiopian place, finally made it to Niblack where I got spices, hung out with family. I worked on a pretty blue doily all through the usual ceremony speeches.
- Dad and Mel came down for a visit on the fourth, we wandered around town, I introduced them to Campi's pizza (which is amazing), hit up a farm stand, and ate whoopie pies in the town commons.

Finished a few crochet things - I have a new shirt, a new pull-over tank top, and several new doilies. Making a giant insane doily for Tom's grandma, who he'll visit soon. Worried about finishing a mobius wrap (in yummy bamboo yarn) because I'm not sure I have enough yarn left, aaand I was sent the wrong yarn twice before I got that one. Yarn! I won free yarn from Phat Fiber! I have no idea what I'm going to do with it yet, and since it's 99% wool I hardly want to even touch it right now, pretty as it is.

My coworkers are all having Tupperware parties - I was stuck working for the first two, but the third I get to go to, that'll be this Tuesday at Sam's. Sam's making food plans and I suspect it is going to be a very fun evening, despite Tom's comments. A coworker is also an Avon lady now, I just placed my first order through her last night. I love Avon's stuff, and I'm glad to help Ashley out while getting stuff I want. ;) (Plus, catalogs mean I can at least sort of trust color swatches, and better define exactly what shade of pale my skin is.)

I'm trying to do more art, because I feel twitchy when I don't, and depression sneaks up on me. (I had a very, very rough night earlier this week. Rationality never can overcome 1am insomniac insecurities.) I did some actual physical sketches last week while enjoying the summer sun... and wound up with a pretty little flower sketch I really like, as well as a ridiculous sunburn on my legs. ;p

It has been insaaaaanely hot this past week. 90s most days, and I live in a brick oven that does noooot cool down. Heat finally broke today, it's been raining and was supposed to only hit 77. (10am in the bedroom? still something like 88. blehhhh.) Humidity makes a cranky Melissa. And there have been far more migraines than I've had in awhile. Heat has also thrown a serious monkeywrench into my newly-attempted exercise routine.

My plants keep dying and I don't know why. (This was before the heat wave.) Some kind of little gnat-like bug got into them, and when I took my mint outside to attempt some resuscitation, I found there were little cobwebs all around the stem! booo. My passion flower and sugar plant are still doing amazing though, and what I assume is a forget-me-not (it's a very different flower from the one I'd expected, but still similar) is blooming away happily.

Tom has all kinds of vacation time he needs to take asap, so he'll be off for nearly two weeks starting... sometime next week. He's planning on some serious immersion-time in his 3D modeling... and I'm hoping he sticks with it, because if he paws at me for attention all morning every morning before I go in to work, I am never going to get anything done.

Counting down the days 'til our trip to Florida for the Star Wars convention! woo! (Though this also means Tom has been on my back for a week and a half about making ABSOLUTELY OH GOD CERTAIN that our hotel reservations are, in fact, reservations, even though they haven't charged me any money yet. They have my credit card number on hold as a deposit, if I cancel I will be charged $70-something. The actual bill is paid at the end of your hotel stay. I know this. Tom is not reassured because he's convinced that, because I'm a scatterbrain about a lot of things, I'm a scatterbrain about EVERYTHING. Sooo, I have sent emails to three places now, trying to get 100% confirmation that will satisfy even Mr. Travelling Paranoid.)

...I did not mean for that to be a mini-rant, but, really, it feels damn good to get that off my chest. ha.

Next post: new wallpaper!

Labels: being social, cooking, crochet, drawing, family, friends, griping, life in general, navelgaze, plants, travel, work

 
"If you do creative work, there's a sense that inspiration is this fairy dust that gets dropped on you, when in fact you can just manufacture inspiration through sheer brute force. You can simply produce enough material that the thing will arrive that seems inspired."

- Ira Glass

Labels: art, navelgaze, writing

 
Our neighbors are fighting in the entryway. They're college kids, a guy and a girl. Occasionally they play music waaaayyy too loud. They've been there since the start of the school year. That is about all that I know.

So they're yelling, and I'm slightly comforted by the fact that Tom and I do not yell at each other like that. Yes we get upset and voices get raised, but, we both back off when we know we're being totally irrational. (Or, Tom just points out how ridiculous I am being and makes me laugh, and then we discuss things.)

Girl: "Well I guess I just don't know you at all, then!"
Boy: "No, you don't. Like you don't know the real, inner me."
Melissa thinks: Good God how did you two think moving in together was a good plan if you're not capable of being open with each other??
Girl: "No, I don't at all!"

Girl: "You never TOLD me that!"
Boy: "Well YOU never asked!"
...I am not joking. I wish I were. I didn't think actual real people said that. But, they did, and their tone of voice said they meant it. I'll admit, I've fallen prey to that one in the past. Fortunately for me, Tom has made me realize how toooootally ridiculous an "argument" that is to make. It's not an argument. It's an excuse for both sides failing to actually discuss things with each other - it means you are currently incapable of having honest communication.

One of them just said something about myspace. lmfao. I should not be so amused by all of this, but good lord, it's so ridiculous. Something tells me they will not be renting the apartment again for next year.

Boy is saying that girl never told him that she wished he'd pay more attention to her. An email was read - an email??? really??? YOU LIVE TOGETHER YOU IDIOTS. From what I gather, she has felt lonely and neglected and never made it clear that that's how she felt. So he's getting defensive, and she's half-hysterical. ...did she just say something about fucking a teacher? hmm.

...And yes, I AM this nosy. I do not have my ear pressed to the door or anything, and it's not like I could help but hear the louder parts. I claim it's all for the good of future novel-writing. I plead character research!!!

Ooo! Now they're having the argument about him looking at pictures of girls online! She accuses him of looking at pictures of these chicks, he says "well don't you and your friends get together and go, 'oh this guy's cute'?" Oh man. Tom and I have discussed that one a thousand times. We both have picture-stashes. I have no interest in seeing his, and he has no interest in seeing mine. I'm aware that he is a boy and thus porn is probably a part of his life. He is aware that I have, in a past life, written slash fanfic. lmao. So what. We love each other, and at the end of the day, I fall asleep in his arms. That's the important part.

I really should feel guilty, but, honestly? These two are making me SMILE. And feel all warm and fuzzy. Because Tom and my relationship is NOT, in any way shape or form, like that. (I attribute this mostly to his insanely acute interpretations of human motivations. And the fact that I am insanely patient.)

Well. My Roasted Potatoes (with green beans and broccoli, since I apparently used all my asparagus the other day) are done, and they smell freaking amazing. And I need to go hunt in the cupboard, and see if I might possibly have stuff with which to try making onigiri, as a happy surprise for Tom, who is at jury duty for the first time today. (He's so cute and 1950s when he combs his hair!)

I. am. SO HAPPY. with my life.

Labels: apartment, cooking, life in general, navelgaze

 
Photoshop day!

I happened across White Flower Farm's website during NaNoNovember, looking for reference pictures for something or another, and remembered how much I'd always loved their catalog. Mom had lots of plant catalogs always around the house, but White Flower Farm always had the best selection of oriental lilies. :) Flipping through their online catalog, I was happily surprised by the quality of their photos, and mentioned to Mom that if she had any old catalogs laying around, I'd love to snag them for reference.



Lo and behold, a few weeks later, a copy of the catalog lands in my mailbox. Thank you, Mom! The spring catalog just arrived, and I spent a good long time pawing through it. They do some gorgeous arrangements of flowers, which are sototally going to influence my own drawings/writing. The catalog is full of unusual and incredibly striking plants, everything is just *really* *freaking* *pretty*. But what really grabbed me were some of the foliage plants and things... and the second I saw the hellebore flowers, I was dying to draw one.



I almost did late last night... I went downtown with a coworker, and while it wasn't a particularly exciting evening, we talked a lot. I haven't had a chance to really talk with her much, but she's one of my favorite people, so I was happy to have the chance to. Unfortunately, she's going through a rough patch - almost done with college, no idea what she wants to do with her life, things at home going downhill, boys being..well, boys, which is to say, emotionally distant and ridiculous. But I'm good at listening, and while I doubt I was able to contribute much help, I know sometimes just having a sympathetic ear and some company helps.

It made me realize though... I've been so insanely lucky in my life. Like, really. Hearing Tom's stories of his high school, hearing stories from my friend and a friend of hers about failed and troubled relationships, all these countless stories around me... and my life sounds suddenly boring next to all of theirs. But while it means I don't have a particularly captivating repertoire of life stories to share... it means I haven't had to deal with all the troubles they have. My home life had its dramas, everyone's does, but really, mine was pretty darn calm. My last couple years of high school were an emotional roller coaster, but whose weren't? I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life, but, y'know, I have a job I don't totally hate - it even sometimes gives me the chance to do what I love. I have a place of my own - even if I can't keep it clean, and doing dishes and laundry drives me bananas some days. And I have the most supportive boy ever, who keeps me grounded and largely sane, and knows I'm crazy but somehow doesn't entirely mind.

So I came in somewhere around midnight last night, all of this filtering through my mind. I was pretty tipsy still, and my mind was too awake to let me sleep for awhile, so I turned on the computer when I came in, planning to try my hand at a hellebore flower. I went upstairs to the bathroom while the computer was booting, and before I came back down, I peeked in to check on Tom.

And he was curled up on my side of the bed, half under the sheets, just, *curled*, his hands tucked up by his chin, sleeping so sweetly and beautifully...

I turned the computer back off, and came upstairs to bed. Didn't sleep for crap last night, but, you know, I didn't entirely mind.

Today, I took him out to breakfast, picked up some veggies to make a nice slow-cooker curry today, and spent the day in Photoshop. Tom's out with DJ, I told him they're welcome to come by around 7 when the curry will be ready, there'll be plenty to go around. I might do some laundry, or might wait until tomorrow. I have Labyrinth on Blu-Ray. (I also have Rattle & Hum on Blu-Ray, and I've had an awful lot of U2 dreams out of nowhere lately.) I have Guitar Hero. I have crochet projects and new Sigur Rós cds. In an hour or two, I'll have some of the promising-looking curry. I'm a pretty darn content little thing. (I also can't stop looking at my drawing. so pretty!!!)

Labels: art, being social, cooking, drawing, friends, life in general, navelgaze, storytime, wallpaper

 
You know, this whole being the oldest sister thing has really soaked into my psyche. I'm constantly playing the big-sister to people I know. This may be partly because I do find myself hanging around people younger than me - coworkers, lots of my friends in high school, etc. But whether I'm listening to one of the girls at work talking about her boyfriend, or one of the boys talking about some social drama, or just now, talking with DJ, who said he had planned to go to sleep, and I know from Tom that the kid hardly ever sleeps, so I get all "You goose, you're sleep-deprived often enough as it is. GO SLEEP!" and "But I'll be good and go write, if you'll be good and go sleep."

Tom thinks it's all a mothering-complex, but I think it's more of a big-sister thing. Either way, I'm such a gooshy little mother-hen sometimes it's ridiculous. I just see these little kids with problems and I have the psychological impulse to scoop them up, pat their heads, put them to bed and feed them soup and/or cookies.


...and then at the same time, aaany time I'm with a group of people, I wind up hanging around the outskirts of the group, just kind of watching and soaking things in, without actively participating much. (Take a look at any pictures other people post to facebook of me, and you'll see it.) Oh, contradiction-laden personality.

Labels: being social, navelgaze

 
Cross-posting from the NaNo blog, because I don't blame anyone for not slogging through that blog, and I think the content is relevant to everybody. :)


I love Chris Baty.

For the uninitiated, Chris Baty is the crazy who started this whole whirlwind adventure that calls itself NaNoWriMo. And every week, of every November, he sends out pep talk emails, which always lead to both giggles and warm fuzzies of camaraderie and encouragement.

Closing this week's:

"I didn't say this in the Week One pep talk because we'd only just met and there's really only so much cornball sentiment from a random guy on the internet that anyone should have to tolerate in one month. But here's the truth: You have a book in you that only you can write. Your story matters. Your voice matters. The world will be richer for you seeing this crazy creative escapade through to 50,000 words.

This may be hard to believe given the craptastic state that many of our manuscripts are in. But there are great, unexpected things ahead for you in Weeks Three and Four. And there is someone out there who has been waiting their whole life to read the book you're writing now."


That... is exactly why I drag myself through the slog of 50,000 words every November. Because I think (I hope) he's right. And not just about me, but about everybody - everyone views the world from a different place, with different eyes, seeing different hues of every color in the world.

So, yay for Chris Baty. <3

Labels: art, nanowrimo, navelgaze, writing

 
It has been a very stressful couple of weeks. I was down with a maaajor cold last week, still dealing with the aftermath of being extra-tired. The store has been SWAMPED at night, between high schoolers having spirit weeks/homecoming and college chicks coming in to try on 8000 costumes apiece. And we're not even going to talk about Wing City's banners. (Except to say that, when I had called and talked to a fifth person, to verify the size so I could print it that time...FIVE MINUTES LATER the guy ran into the store to flail and say WAIT IT STILL SAYS QUESADILLAS YOU NEED TO TAKE THAT OFF THERE!1!!1 freaking disorganized idiots. Love the restauraunt, love the food, hate the lack of management organization.)

All this happening, of course, led to...was it Monday night? ALL I could do was fret about work when I got home that night. Had like three dreams about work. Couldn't drag myself out of bed because I knew that meant I'd have to actually go in and deal with things. It was bad. This has been going on for awhile, but it's finally bad enough that I know I need to do something about it. So I spent a good bit of time thinking, and I finally realized that a good bit of the problem is that there really isn't anything else in my life going on, besides work. Since my life centers around it, that's all I think about, which is not healthy or productive or making me happy. The simple distraction method, of listening to audiobooks and things all night when I came home, only worked as long as I was listening to them. Wasn't cutting it.

So, I've been trying to shift my mental focus. Not always easy, but, having NaNoWriMo looming is helping tremendously - and I've been thinking a lot about how happy I always am, being all wrapped up in stories all through November. In November, my mental focus turns to stories, and the whole drive and rush of NaNoWriMo keeps my focus there - it gives me something besides work to make my time and thoughts all about.

Every handful of months, I find myself in these depressions, and I promise all over again to do something creative every day. I always drift away, with one thing and another, but as long as I come back to it, I'll be alright. I bought myself a super pretty new notebook, to keep track of NaNo ideas and outlines and things in, gearing up for November. I also dug out my semi-current sketchbook, and both books are next to my side of the bed. With a pen attached to one or the other. I already have a page-and-a-bit of ideas for this year's NaNo, and a really gorgeous little picture popped into my head a few nights ago that I'll draw out sometime.


NaNoWriMo 2009? I'd been dying to do something like Beneath the Dust again, doing a series of short stories all set in the same location. It was the ideal mix of freedom and restraint for me, and I found so, so much to draw on in the one little room I created. So! I'm doing it again, with a fresh setting:
Mackie's garden.
...way back (i.e., a couple years ago) in my obsessive U2 rp'ing days with Megs, I created this vast garden, which was Macphisto's frequent haunt. Somewhere I actually have a sketch of the main layout, but I remember a lot of the little areas off the top of my head, easily enough to start with. I'd been just getting into the whole flower-meanings thing at the time, so I know there are places where there are trellises of...jasmine and honeysuckle, I think, with a certain type of roses nearby, all these things with complimentary and subtle interplays of meanings.

I have like ten different characters already in mind to put in the garden, some are doing things, some I just know the characters (I've been re-reading the Anne of Green Gables books, and I'm dying to try writing Anne's daydreamy point of view). I remember a few of the garden nooks, and it's never hard to think up more of them.

...so having all that to focus on, to bring my life's attentions back into the creative realm, I think is really going to help. Crocheting works in small doses, but once I get into a groove it doesn't hold my full attention, the way creating the world of a drawing or a story does. (Though crocheting + great audiobook = pretty near perfect.)


Speaking of audiobooks: The Thirteenth Tale, by Diane Setterfield. Fantastic book, I'm so sucked in it's ridiculous. The writing is absolutely gorgeous, and it's the most wonderful kind of haunting family history story, with twins and people going insane and a house falling into ruin and everything you could want in a believably haunting story. (Though I do recommend it with a bit of a cautionary note, it can really suck your emotions down a deep dark pit if you ingest it for too many hours straight all alone in the house at night.) ...it sounds over-dramatic and awful in summary, but the story itself is so grounded in the everyday that it doesn't feel unbelievable at all. Lovelovelove.

Labels: crochet, navelgaze, printshop, work, writing

 
I haven't updated in an age. Summary:

- Tom and I took a trip last week down to North Carolina, to visit his grandma; his dad also met us down there. Was a nice relaxing getaway. I won at euchre a lot - this happens every time, and I haven't the faintest idea why. I wish Tom was able to see his family as often as I see mine...he and his dad are always so happy when they're together, two peas in a geektastic pod.

- I thought print-work at the store was slowing down, but then yesterday happened. Chad is back, but only part-part-time, he's been gone by the time I've come in so far. Which is fine, Ashley and I have the printshop pretty under control most of the time...but the store's office supplies were in pretty rough shape after several months of him being gone, so I'm psyched he's back. (It is probably quite sad how excited I am about having our wall'o'copy paper fully stocked again.)

- We have lost some people and gained some noobs at the store. I am really sad about having lost Casey and Amanda, they made work so entertaining, and are just good people. Too early to tell much about the new girls yet, and we may have a new boy turning up in the near future, which will be exciting if he's a halfway decent worker. We need someone who has no problem with ladders + heavy boxes. I can manage fairly heavy boxes, but not so much with ladders.

- Crocheting like a madwoman still, that's pretty much been the bulk of my spare time. Working on a few Christmas gifts, and the end is in sight for Tom's throw blanket! Also had a brief binge with making anklets and bracelets, which are *so* pretty, and I'm plotting some kind of spiderweb-looking anklet or bracelet or something now that Halloween season is approaching. (Yes I know retail makes things start early, but I LOVE Halloween, and it's a pretty big thing at the Paper Factory. We're still digging things out of boxes but I'm already getting excited.)

// warning: what follows is me just writing to get things out of my head, where they have been running around in circles. not something I'd put on your recommended reading list, it's just to help me. //

...and you can probably see from the recurring mentions of it that I have a hell of a hard time getting work out of my head. I always have, but it got WAY worse when I started taking on so much work in the print shop. (Note: I think I'm the only one who refers to a "print shop" at all around the store...but, honestly, we do enough business with the stuff to justify the term.) I was finally getting to the point where I was calmer about that...and now that Chad's back I'm spazzing out because I feel way more pressured to not screw things up, now that he's here to see. Which is ridiculous, because a) I really do usually know what I'm doing; b) I don't think he's even really looked at any of the print work, since he has other things to do and knows he can rely on me and Ashley; c) we've been doing it on our own for months and months. And d) I have the most understanding sympathetic amazing bosses in the world. Yes they get cranky when things get screwed up, but it doesn't last. Even then, I think I had a five-minute lecture about a door being left open at night (it was an overhead door, open two inches because the mechanism conked out; I didn't think it was an issue, given that mice already have their own routes into the basement, but I understand). And that's been it, that I can even remember, so that's all for like months and months.

Hell, I got another raise not long ago, and I'm pretty sure I'm at the top of the known Paper Factory payscale. (There was a rumor going around that one of the younger crew, who has since left, was getting $10 an hour, but we were pretty sure that was crazy talk. ...I'm not far from that now.) Obviously, I am not screwing up.

...but every day off, I make sure my phone is on and not far from me. I go in to work most days a little jittery, thinking of all the things I might have screwed up the last time I was in. I've been shoving aside a stupid pointless thing all day - it is my day off, I should not be thinking about work. But, yesterday (Thursday), Chad left a note for me and Ashley, that a frequent customer needed a bunch of posters printed up again. Three posters, ten copies of two of those printed on paper to be laminated, and five copies of all three on some other material, which he wanted some test prints done on. By Monday or Tuesday.

Now, the process for this customer: Print the posters on paper one day, and they need the full 24 hour drying time, before they are laminated, after which they should get another 24 hours, and then trimmed. Sometimes we have to cut a few corners, since she usually needs things in a rush. Also... the laminating is a big process. Chad or Bruce needs to be there to head it up, with Ashley (or sometimes another grown-up) to help. I've helped before too, but, I really don't know what I'm doing. (I'm trying to keep it that way - I really don't have a good memory for procedural things, and, honestly, I have to draw the line somewhere, because if I know how to do EVERYTHING in the store, I will try to DO all of it, and I will go even more crazy.)

The test prints he wanted... I'd never even used the material before, and it was weeeiiird stuff, so I had no clue what settings to give the printer. I considered just guessing, but... the material was just *so* different, I felt like the ink settings should be something other than our usual. I don't know. And it turned out anyway, I didn't even have time to get all of the paper posters printed - we've always run high-quality prints for this woman, and it literally took 5 hours to print out ten of these suckers.

...all of that, on a night where I had two new girls working, one semi-new person, and a second semi-new person who was coming in two hours late. I did not get much done in the basement at all, which was where I was supposed to be all night.

So I came home feeling wretched, like I'd let everyone down and they were all going to have so much more work to do tomorrow than they'd expected, and it would just make everything run so much less smoothly, and Chad would be annoyed with me and think I was an idiot for not knowing how to run those prints, and in all the confusion at the end of the night I was sure to have forgotten something...

...

...and this is why I am writing all of this out. There was absolutely no reason for me to feel awful. And there's no reason for me to have a knot in my stomach now when I think about going in tomorrow afternoon. Chad knows how long it takes things to print. Flyer understands that, when new people are around, older people can't get a whole lot done. (Flyer also understands that the kid who was supposed to be helping me move things is... a bit flaky, let's leave it at that.) Ashley was in today, and she'd have given the work a look-over, and saved anything in dire straits. If there was a crisis, she would have called me.


I did manage to relax alright most of today. My stop by the health clinic this afternoon went much more smoothly than I'd feared (as it always does). Tom went into a mild panic when I told him what the nurse had told me - the spotting I keep getting midway through the month might be a sign that my birth control isn't giving me the coverage it ought to. I tried to allay his worries by joking about it...which I did in a completely nonsensical and... well let's just say that it made no sense at all to do, and did not help, which Tom duly pointed out, and then mocked me for, which I think did, in the end, help. Anyway, I need to head back in during September for the annual joy of a pap smear, at which point they will probably change my birth control aaaagain. Hopefully it helps this time. About six months ago, they started me on the next-higher strength stuff, and it helped for I think the first month. And then the spotting was back where it was. Also, my cramps are briefer, but MUCH more intense, so I haven't decided if that's better or worse. I also need to start tracking when I have migraines, because I'm starting to think the two issues are connected.

We had lunch at Bob Evans, watched some more Babylon 5, I picked up a few groceries, made Tom the pizza casserole I've promised him all week, and, as always, washed some dishes. I reloaded my iPod with some fresh podcasts, and looked at my email for the first time since I got back from North Carolina. Which was pretty terrifying, but, I did discover that my Paper Factory buddies have been posting pictures of people on Facebook, which is entertaining. I'd forgotten Mac has one of me from last October, wearing my favorite rental costume - the pink'n'black striped polka-dotted 80s-overload foofy-sleeved dress, which claims to be a saloon girl or can-can dancer costume, I forget which because it is so blatantly neither. (On that note - I have my eye on a seriously awesome 80s dress to buy this year.) There are also copious group photos from the last Paper Factory Crew party, a Disney movie night/cookie baking + chocolate pretzel making night. Which was quite a bit of fun, and was also the last get-together with a few people before they left. sigh.

Which reminds me, I need to decide if I'm going to go out with people Sunday night - Sam turns 21, so people are going downtown to celebrate. I love hanging out with Sam, who is one of the most entertaining people ever, and PF crew are pretty entertaining in general... but I'm really not a downtown person. I've honestly never been to any of the bars in town. Also, it'll be the first real weekend all the college kids are back, and I don't know if I want to deal with that. Sam's luau, Kate's Disney night, things like that, I love.

Though, looking at the photos, even then I'm always hanging around the edges of things...just how I am I guess.


Alright, enough of the emo. I feel loads better than I did earlier. Except that now my neck hurts from hunching over the keyboard like the ill-postured idiot that I am. The iPod should be re-charged by now, time for some more crochet before bedtime. <3

Labels: crochet, navelgaze, printshop, work

 
I need a brandname.

I've been toying with the idea of selling my art for ages. I'm near enough now that I was looking at what it costs to get little fabric tags with your name on it (reasonably cheap, unless you want your own design, boo). But, I need a name for my stuff.

I want something that can be consistent across everything I do, since it's always changing, so a generic kind of name for an etsy shop, a website, to put on tags on my crochet work, whatever. I sign my real name on my drawings, I go by Ananda Daydream on most websites, my last name will be changing somewhere in the next few years (HINT HINT Mr. Thomas)... I need something else. And I like a general name better anyway.

I asked Tom for ideas a few nights ago, and he rambled on for about half an hour. Unfortunately, his conclusion was...HA! I TOLD HIM I'D NEVER REMEMBER IT!!! crap. what was it? Yigotz. That was it. Which, for many reasons, would be an awesome brand name for something on the internet. But would not work for me.

Along the way though, he threw out a handful of interesting names, and then described the concept he was working around. From his perspective, the common thread that runs through all of my art, is... well basically a spiritual nature, something "celestial" was his word. Something otherworldly. And I totally agree with that - I love the idea of twilight, of that misty area halfway between dreaming and waking, I love the idea of ghosts, and that the past is layered on all the things we've touched, and the people who lived before us touched. The whole concept of Beneath the Dust, my capstone project, really did pretty well at reflecting the way I see things. Even in my crochet, there's a bit of fancifulness, and then too, I really love the idea that when you're making something by hand, your thoughts and your emotions are worked into it. Every time I pull the crochet hook through the yarn and make a knot, there's a little wisp of my thoughts caught in the fibers... so the whole concept of prayer shawls, and of binding up your good wishes for someone in the blanket you've made them, I really love. (So all of you getting crochet goodies from me - I really do put all of that into what I've made you. :)

Unfortunately, Tom is a scientist, and I am an artist, so I can't use words like "brain" in my brand. But I love that concept of duality, that there's another layer to the world around us, and I'd love to play off of that.

And, of course, there are my flower lists - remember, the ones I've been drawing off of for all my Phisto things for like, oh god, four, five years now? I started skimming through my list of flower meanings, trying to find a flower that I love (preferably one I feel an attachment to, or have some association with), that has a meaning that suits. The various meanings of Dianthus unfortunately don't suit, though I love the sound of the name as well as the flower... my current favorite is Osmunda, which is fern, and means "dreams", or "I dream of thee".

Labels: art, navelgaze