...Laur's right, what *is* it with this year?...*everything's* happened, everything's changed, everything is something other than what we could ever have expected...
...ok, I'm exaggerating, not *everything*...we're still all friends, and my home situation hasn't changed especially much this past year or anything, (neither has anyone else's, for that matter)...and we still love music and all, but...everything is just...so much *more*, I think. The darks seem darker, the loves seem stronger...

Zinni...we've all said it now, and I think Daf put it best (which only makes sense), but...don't let him pull you down.
You and Laur both...sometimes, it's for the best to be a bit selfish...
Zin...we miss you so, I wish you were here cos it'd be so much easier, so much better, I'd say more, but Daf already said it better'n I could...

"Ch-ch-ch-changes, turn and face the strain" ("Changes", David Bowie) I used to HATE that song. Very strange. Cos now I rather like it...

Laur...it's not all just melodrama...and whether it is or not...it's okay, it really is...cos while no, we're not starving children in Africa, and yeah, others' troubles probably *are* bigger than ours... ...at the same time, it might be easier to cope with, say, living in a cardboard box, if you're happy..it'd be easier'n dealing with Aubrey some days, ne? *wry grin*
But really...not all angst is stupid and without point...and I can really totally see where you're coming from with all this anyway, cos I go through the same thing, constantly, I really do...cos you guys say I'm good at music and art and all...but then I listen to..err..*anyone*, and I'm not so good at music, I mean I'm good, but not like, *brilliant*...(Laur, you telling me after the concert that I was like the Andrew Meyers of band..that meant so very much to me, thank you)...and art? *laugh* I can draw, yes, I'm getting better...but not nearly good enough to get anywhere, not when I look at Lisa or anyone else's stuff, and with computer-graphics I'm getting better, but what kinda market is there for angel-U2s? (Not that I'm knocking them at all, I love them dearly, but...)...writing, yeah, once in a while I hit on something good, like "Until the End of the World", but mostly, I look at what Laur and Daf write, I read T.S. Eliot, or Bono's lyrics, or Rushdie, or..anything..and I'm just like, yeah, *right*. Grades? Not since 7th grade, in Perry, have I been at the top..and I *do* kinda miss it...maybe that's partly why I dress weird etc., it's mostly cos I enjoy it, but maybe too it's cos I want to be recognised for something...
So we all go thru this, I think, just some of us are better at hiding it than others..and Laur, you're just..acknowledging it now? I don't know, I shouldn't be trying to analyze any of this at all, I don't really know anything, just what goes on inside my own head..and even *that*, I don't often actually have figured out!

..I want to make my life worth something, but have no idea how, don't know what I want to do, who I want to be...(well, ok, I know I wanna be Bono, but..Bono's a guy. I'm not. That's the first problem..)

Daf...I'm really so happy for you and Calypso. I know it doesn't always look that way..and granted, the first few days, I really was so torn over it, I didn't know *what* to think..tho I was so proud of you the night of the band concert, so very very happy for you...

...I dunno, I care about you guys so very very much, the three of you..and my sister...

I'm just kinda envious of where you're at, Daffy...and I'm sure you've seen it's got the rest of us wondering, why her and not us?, and it's nothing at all against you, it's just our own insecurities rearing their nasty little heads. And I laugh it off and say I'm waitin' on a blue-haired drummer or summat, but...
...if I *did* find one, would I ever even get the guts to talk to him?
And..I dunno..now I'm sittin' here, daydreaming about Blake again, that hug I gave him the other night, after the choir concert, after you guys'd left...I really did start to just lay my head against him, just held him, had him hold me, for a minute...and...I don't know what the hell's wrong with me, I'd given him up!...or so I thought...maybe it's just partly senior-ness, trying to latch onto my friends while I can, maybe it's cos my other romantic options (such as they were..such as I *thought* they were, it was probably all so very much just in my own head) have kinda fizzled..tho..I *do* still love him, I always, always will, I think..tho I don't like him hanging about with Lani Jess Charlesy & co so much (tho, really, I should be fair, Lani's pretty okay)..I don't know. I've gotta go back and read my post from awhile back, that night (I thought) I figured out my life, music and freedom and did what Blake thought really matter after all?..and yet, somehow, it still kinda does..not in the same way that it did, cos I'm still in that place where I can be who I want to be, listen to my music dress in my odd clothes, but..when he talks to me, shows any sign of friendship or anything..it makes me so happy...

...see Laur? So very easy to slip into the self-centered thiings just running through your head..but it's good to release them sometimes, and just writing it helps sometimes, and having your friends know about it..helps... I'm not saying we should all indulge in self-pity day in and day out...(we'd all be like what Aubrey became), but...

I don't know. I don't even remember what I'd wanted to really say...
Just...Zin, do what you think is right, damn his reaction, what he wants isn't necessarily what's best for him or anyone else, and I know that leaves you wondering about whether what you think is right is for the best, but..go with your heart. If you never really believed in it being a romantic relationship, than don't *make* it one, don't force something that's not real..cos it's not doing *either* of you any good like that.
Laur...it's okay to be an angsty teen, we'll listen, God knows the rest of us get like that often enough...I think...I think it's not really the apparent comparitive size of the problem, it's just how big it seems to *you*..cos, I mean, most people would take a divorce as a *huge* problem...but...it never hit me as hard as I think it hits most people. I survived, and fairly well, at that, I think...but, I mean, I don't know what I really want from my relationship with Blake, and it's a much less obvious thing, but to me, it's bigger...
Daf...you *do* deserve to be feeling so loved, cos you're a wonderful person. ^_^ ...and I'm glad you and Calypso are doing so well. Still strikes me as a little sudden and a little strong, and you're right, I'm gonna be protective and not want "claws" to happen again..tho..I don't *think* it will...

But this's plenty long enough...
Love you, guys.


p.s. J-rock is great stuff... Luna Sea, L'arc en Ciel, Dir en Grey, Glay... <3

 
And she just came back in the room, hood over her eyes, felt on her head, black feather wings (left over from Hallowe'en) on her back..."I'm Black Waltz!!!"

 
"You can't really look evil with a teaspoon-cup-thing." -Teraa, who is currently wandering about the house with a piece of black felt on her head - her "pitiful excuse for a Vinnie [Vincent from FFVII] wig," while Kuja's song [excuse me, she just corrrected me, it was "Pandemonium"..*now* she's got on Kuja's song] from FFIX, this big creepy organ-thing, is playing. On continuous loop. o___O
...I'm spazzing out cos I can't decide what colour my latest Larry pic is gonna be...
...Matantis & co are in Binghamton for a biking competition this weekend, they're staying in a van in a parking lot, I think...
...Yesterday Brian put a speedometer (that he snatched off an exercise bike) on his bike, rode up the street to prove to me it *did* work, he comes flying down the hill, and as he passes my house, yells out "Thirty!!!", all excited...
...Teraa just played the entire organ-thiing on the piano, along with the song (which has played thru about five times already, and is showing no signs of stopping)...
...
-_-;
~_^

 
While writing all that last post, was goin' thru various comics off of Keenspace...BmB, obviously..but Methodical Madness isn't bad...Trevor is *so* a drummer. ^_~ ...storyline gets a litttle jumpy from time to time, but...*shrug*.. Two Hundred Channels and (Still) Nothing On is kinda amusing, in a Boy-With-Immovable-Hair(which I should find again someday!)/early Joe the Circle fashion...Angel Revival is *gorgeous*...seriously looks like real manga, which's nice...tryin' to remember to read it backwards (right to left) is a bit tricky, and I keep getting characters mixed up, but..it's worth the bit of work to follow things...Victims of the System, The Adventures of the Little AOL Man, and Antisocial are pretty decent, as well...err, well, "decent"'s prolly the wrong word...*somewhat amusing*, then... ~_^

 

which Episode II character are you?

Probably the greatest Jedi Knight of all. Like Obi Wan, you are wise and keep your feet on the ground at all times. You will not be outsmarted by anyone. You are always faithful to your friends. Be careful though, danger lurks around every corner - you could even be betrayed by those closest to you.

^_^ Yay Obi-Wan!!! ...<3... ^_~

Man... had the choir concert tonight...I'd thought for sure we were all gonna die, and just basically SUCK MISERABLY. But... once again, I underestimated us. We ROCKED. ^_^
...still can't believe we pulled off "Cindy"!!!
But yeah... "Shenendoah" was gorgeous, that was *definitely* the *best* we've ever done it...an' I got the blasted high E! Woo! ^_^ "Ubi Caritas" went quite well..Lani was grinning away so happily while she was conducting, it was sweet..*smile* "Amor Que Une Con El Amor Grandisimo" was..wow..it's an awesome piece, David's French horn solo was gorgeous (it *is* still a nice instrument..not *just* cos Scott S. played it..~_^)...so was Kev's solo..*sigh*...ok, so he messed up pronouncing "hojita" again (even tho I pointed out to him that it was *not* pronounced "hooheeta"-!..gah...), and another word (I think he sang "intante" instead of "instante")...but...*sigh again*..was gorgeous, I was watching him, just the biggest smile on my face...
...
...this could be one of the last times I hear him sing...
...
...NOT gonna think about that!..not yet...still have a few months left...
...
Anyway...continuing on...
"And So It Goes" is a beautiful piece, but I still don't think we're quite doing it justice, I think we could do more with it...but that may just be me. "Nebucanezer's Lament" (the spelling of which I'm certain I just brutally murdered) is *such* a fun piece to sing, the harmonies are awesome...(well, then too, there's my whole Mackie-version of it etc..ehrmmm...*g*)
The girl's chorus pieces...eh...went fine, but...are mostly still kinda blah..."Boy From New York City" only being tolerable when I focus on the fact that Larry's got a place in NY..~_^...and Nicole's solo at the end *rocks*. ^_^ "He's Gone Away" *is* pretty, and we did it fairly well... "Baby I'm Yours", eh, was ok...*grin* can y'guess who I looked at at the end, "Baby I'm yours", facing the guys? ~_^
..this is so weird, I'm falling back into this again..maybe Blake *will* stay in the Applebus... ...I'm wondering, is this cos Calypso's with Daffy?..might be part of it, I s'pose, but there's other guys I've been hanging out with too...and...gah, NO!..I didn't -and *don't*- want to get into this dumb mindset again. And I'm not going to. ...I think a lot of it is just that I've been able to spend some time with him lately, which I hadn't for awhile...an' it's just been...*nice*...
..an' he's still beautiful.. ^_~
But yeah... the Brahms waltzes are just..dumb, mostly still, but went well...and like I said, I can't believe we pulled off "Cindy"! It was *awesome*!!! ..it's this mega-huge hoe-down type thing, eight parts, double chorus...and I never liked it 'til tonight, cos we did it so well and it was so *fun*! ^_^
"Bridge Over Troubled Water" was awesome, too..hee, and the drumkit (and bass) got moved over to my side of the stage! ^_^..drums...drummer...gahhhh....<3! ^_~ ...gotta love the mid-end part, tho..."Your time has come to shine, all your dreams are on their way. See how they shine, oh, if you ever need a friend look around I'm sailing ahhhh..."..err...yeah, I'm an alto, I don't know the words there! ~_^...but man..it's awesome..just...chills there, it was great...
...and then we all tore off the stage, seniors scrambled to get changed and come back for the senior song... ...and we were waiting out in the hall, and we peeked in...and there was Goodling, talking about *us*!...we shushed everyone so we could hear... ... ...so sweet..an' I wasn't even like, one of the choir people then (or now!), but I still..he was *the* most *amazing* conductor ever...and actually Mrs. Rice's done a VERY good job this year, despite wat everyone says...no-one could *ever* equal Goodling...
...but yeah. So seniors went out, and juniors gave us flowers...*sniffle*...I love you, Daffy! *smile*..and you too, of course, Laur. ~_^ (..tho I think Heather had the best time with that there...! *g*)...and senior song..."Letting Go"...I *still* think we should've gotten to sing "Starmaker"...ah well... ...I didn't actually cry, tho I came close, thinking about the words..."I can't believe it's so, we're spreading our wings and letting go"...
...
But afterwards...heehee...Heather did her annual stocking-slide down the hallway! Woooo! *cracking up like mad*....ahhh...*great* fun...
...
But I'm tired. Got home today, had planned to go outside and enjoy the gorgeous weather...fell asleep instead. Took a frickin' two-and-a-half hour nap!...gahhh...
...more tomorrow, unless I get sidetracked yet again...

 
*sad sigh*...no photoshop!!! *sniffle*...my silly brother's obsessed with re-formatting the ahrd drive (this is his solution to nearly every computer problem...esp. the ones he can't fix). Thus, we now have what appears to be an un-ghetto version of Windows XP (tho it's still not..ehrm..exactly been *paid* for? *sly grin*)...but *nothing* else. Well, ok, so Matantis put Grokster on. And he's downloading like, Grand Theft Auto 3 or summat...btu I can't find out adobe cd, and I don't want to just throw my copy of the prog on without running a virus scan on it first, which I can't do cos we've no virus scanner-thing!!!! *Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!*
...sorry...
...photoshop withdrawels...
...tho it's prolly actually *good* that I can't do anything, cos we've not got the real moniter driver on yet, and the screen is *way* too dark...like, I can barely make out Bono on my love of the moment, there... -_-;

On a happier note... Mom lent me her old scrapbooks...*three photoalbums full of GLAM*!!!! Woo!!!! ^_^ (Thanks again, Mom!...btw, you *do* realise that you may or may not every get these back... ~_^) ...great stuff, tho...just *tons* of pics clipped from magazines etc in the early '70s...David Bowie, Alice Cooper, New York Dolls...gah. Great stuff. ~_^
(Oddly enough, tho...I remember looking thru those same scrapbooks years ago...and I was like, eww! scary!!!..and now, I'm just like, gah! so *pretty*! *g*...odd, how much things change.....)
But yeah. Oughta go now...I've *got* to get some sleep tonight, was dead tired and even had a headache comin' on today..never good...

 




Take the What Type of Friend are
You? quiz, and visit mutedfaith.com.
[Me.]




Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.


Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz

Yay for being an outcast! ^_^ ...and that last one? Yeah. I *still* think looks like U2... ~_^
..but I need to get some sleep...got hung up finishing an incredibly kawaii Angel-Adam! (Go check out Desert Songs...he's *so* *CUTE*!!!!!)

 
*sigh*...anybody know how to add comment box-things???...figuring it out by looking at the codes just isn't working...-_-;

 
See, now this is what bugs me...(note: nothing personal against this guy, it's a blog I've been reading on and off for a bit, he seems alright)...says he's Catholic, but doesn't really hold with any religion...keeps the title, but denies the faith...and that's not right...I understand the uncertainty etc. (God only knows how much!), but...don't keep this false title!...and I think so many do...
...and this's just the sort of thing C.S. Lewis talks about in his books...
...

 
This 'un's a little more complete...err, well, inasmuch as anything of mine ever is...
Subject matter or whatever might be kinda lame, it doesn't look especially deep, but...to me it is...cos music is *everything* to me...
This's from December of last year.


lift me up and
carry me away and
pull me out and
suck me in
suck me in

tear me away from
this sadness that i have known and
lift me up
higher and higher

love of the music is
love in the music is
love as the music and
love is music
music is love
and love is all ya need, right?

flying high now was
drowning deep then am
soaring now
soul is soaring
far above the clouds that once
obscured my joy hid my
face from the sun

music's a drug
without any side affects
without any harm done afterwards just
a need for more just
an escape from responsibility the
only responsibility is to do
the music justice

singer sing my song
drummer beat my heartbeat
bass play my walk
guitar scream my soul
drummer beat my heartbeat
singer sing my song
singer sing my song
my song singer
my song singer
singer my song
my song
my singer
my song

take me out of this place and into
the violet and cerulean
the gold and topaz
the colours
and not grey
never grey

take me out of this place and into
the world of your sound
the world of just sound
but not just sound it's
a whole world
the music courses through your veins coming
faster than a drug
guitar sharper than a needle
drums more powerful than a pulse
bass punching nerves harder than chemicals
singer coming clearer than your thoughts ever seem to
...music faster than a drug

play a song that's me
the song is in me now it's
a part of me but
still more than me
always more than me
something big enough to lose myself in but small enough
to hold me close and hold me tight and
keep me safe
and warm from the cold cold grey

*Ananda Daydream * 8:38 PM * (0) stars grow bright *

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