***stardust

8.22.2003

Maybe it's just my utter loathing for packing that's talking, but at the moment, I don't especially want to go back to Fredonia. It's been far too lovely a summer, in all sorts of ways... and yeah it's been fecking hot but I don't care, weather doesn't usually have a detrimental affect on me. *g*
'Course... even if I stayed here, which I obviously can't, it'd suck worse cos my friends'll all be gone - well, most, anyway, Himeros and Erik and a few of the other people I've hung out with this summer'll still be here, as will merani-chan (who I'll miss and vice-versa far more'n you'll ever get either of us to admit *g*)...
And, admitedly, I've had enough of Dad for awhile, a break'll be nice.

But I still HATE PACKING gah. >___<#

*Ananda Daydream * 7:55 PM * (0) stars grow bright *

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*warning: in all probablity, the following entry contains large amounts of angsty melodramatic teen-romance frustrations. please do not read if you have low tolerance for such*

went over to Laur's this evening, hung out with her and Bethie and Erik and Julie and Holly and Melinda for a few hours, playing stepmania and watching strongbad e-mails and talking and things...it was nice.
yet... it didn't feel at all like a goodbye to any of them, though it should have, I suppose.....

got back here around midnight, got on aim..Himeros and I tried to decide on a time to get together tomorrow, then discovered that we'd both been thinking of going out for a walk in the summer-storming weather..so went out for a walk together, admist dark sky and spats of rain and lightening and thunder. *smiles* it was so cool.....
got to the end of the street, where I was to meet him, looked around and didn't see him, started walking in the direction of his street..when suddenly he said something from the shadowed area of a lawn on the corner, and I jumped like a friggin' mille. *laughs* ..cos here's glowing-pale me in a white tank top, and him in dark pants and a dark hoodie pulled up over his head.
and he just held me for a few minutes, and it was nice...
we started walking, my arm woven around his, and ended up going back to the field (yes, megs, in both senses of the term.. ^___~ ).. the ground was, of course, wet and all, so he decided to try to find the area where people'd brought back couches and things..it was in a different spot than I'd thought..actually in an overgrown cove of trees and vines and underbrush that I've poked into myself, summers past.. once he foud the entrance, we went back in a ways and found a couch and a leather recliner, in a round room of sorts of trees and plants and things.. just the sort of place I love being in - though, ehm, such places don't usually have furniture *giggles*. but yeah.. he dried off the chair with the sleeves of his hoodie, sat down, and motioned for me to sit in his lap, so we sat there curled up together for a long while, talking a little now and then but mostly just holding each other and being together.....
and then things eventually went, ehm, *coughs* places and stuff yeahhi. *blushes* but yeah... then we sat awhile longer still, talking about this and that..... it got near-on 3am, and he was def. wet from the chair and all and it was late and we were tired, so we headed out..walked back to the end of my street...
..and just held each other, for a long time, and talked a little, and he thinks his smile is silly but I love it, it's so bright and full and just..you can't help but grin at it. *smiles* and.....
back in the field, and then walking back, and then standing there, we talked about what we were gonna do..and just.... *sighs* there are still other girls he really likes, I'm apparently second on the list. 9__9 (physically I'm first tho, an' whether he meant how I look or in terms of, ehm, extent of things happening, this makes me happy. *g* ..really, I think it's the latter cos..well..apparently there've been a few firsts for *him* with me, too, which..is just cool. *grins shyly* but aaaanyway..) But thing is, the first girl is one he's been really, really good friends with for a long time, so it almost sounds like just a really close friendship with an extension here and there, I dunno..... He told me he doesn't want to hurt me, he's scared that if we settle in too seriuosly with things that he will..and he'd never *ever* wanna do that... "cos you're just so *sweet*~! ..you're like friggin' candy or something *licks my arm*" *'nanda diies* ...and he thinks..he thinks there's someone better for me out there, someone who won't bring as many complications into my life, someone my age, someone who has their life sorted out, who hasn't got a speech impediment, who smiles right... *laughs a little* But..I still care *so much* about him..and there'll be days when it wanes, but that's mostly cos I'm not sure about something, the moment I have it explained it's fine with me and he's probably already done about ten sweet and endearing things in the interim anyway. ..and he really cares about me too, but that's why he wants me to find someone while I'm at college..cos he wants me to be happy..... he told me again not to pass up any guy I see there, told me jsut to go out and find a guy and be happy, he started to try to make me promise..but I won't make a promise I don't know that I can keep. *smiles a little* I know very well that there are guys out there that I could hook up (and he says I'll find them..if I stay as cute and sweet as I am, they'll be there..but...) with who'd be less complicating to add into my life and whatever else but.....I can't leave Himeros, not yet, anyway...
but we'll still talk - he's getting a new computer, which's good, he's on aim a fair bit, I got his e-mail address (finally~!), I'll see him whenever I come home... ...and, really..*dry laugh* it wouldn't surprise me at all if things ended up going like they have the past year anyway, 'least 'til/if I find a guy at school...... it's really not as drastic a thing as it sounds, it's not like we broke up - we were never going out, and it's not severing anything, not even really changing much 'cept, ehm, afewdetailswhichhavesomehowimpossiblybecomealotofourtimetogether *coughs*.
so we stood at the end of my street for awhile, just holding each other, kissing long and slow and longing.... he told me to smile, to try to be happy, "that's what all of this is for"... and he pulled away and turned to go... "see ya melissa"..."see ya bri"..... (and he doesn't call me by name often, i'm locking away the sound of it from his lips into my memory tonight...)
and we both started walking our seperate ways, and I hold my arms tight and looked to the sky and wanted to cry and.....
considered a moment,
then turned and *ran* full-out after him, eyes peering through the city-glow-lit-night looking for him, turning onto the road that leads from his to mine...and finally I spotted him on the other side of the road, ran to him--
--and it was definitely a full-out tackle-glomp and I very nearly knocked him over *laughs*.
and we held each other a minute more and I told him... "I don't know if this means anything to you, but I love you.." [when we were talkign abck at the field, he spouted his theory on how people who say I love you don't mean it, if they really loved they wouldn't need to say it..*laughs a little*..which I *totally* don't hold with - and told him so - but I can see how he'd get to that..] "You can't say that.." "I know, I know.." "Don't do that to yourself.." *sighs* ..thing of it is, I *do* love him...and, as with Blake a few summers ago, I'm not sure how far into romantic love it is (tho with Himeros it's certainly more than it was with Blake, at least at the time I told him), but I know it's a love....
and he said that for real this time, we had to go, and I said I know... and we parted, for real.... he called after me, reminding me again to "think dirty thoughts about other guys!!!" *giggles helplessly* ..so we did leave smiling..... I glanced back once, seeing his dark form headed towards his street, as I walked down mine......

came back inside to find merani-chan and devon and briee on the pulled-out couch-bed, when I came in they all sat up and demanded to know what'd happened *laughs*. ehm, needless to say, they didn't get details of any sort, just that we held each other and sat and kissed and frenched and made out *giggles*. [note to the afore-mentioned jr. high kids: frenching is a much more common aspect of kissing in general than you guys still think. *g* not that you wanted to know. but it's not as gross as it sounds, honest. ..but then, you guys think Himeros is gross when he's fecking gorgeous, soooo... *g*] so I ended up laying down at the foot of the bed-thing while the three of them squirmed and annoyed each other and asked about Himeros and whatever for like an hour.
oh yeah. and I'm macaroni'n'cheese now. (which I'm quite ok with - macaroni'n'cheese => ez mac => mackie guuuuh ^~____~^ ) An' Himeros is soap (also fine.. esp. since this came just after briee'd gone off on images of Himeros showering and I diiiied *gheee*), merani is ~~banana~~ ramen, devon is walnuts, and briee is cheese. dad is carrot 1 and beth is carrot 2.
I have no fecking clue but it's amusing. *giggles*
..but thanks to the three of them for listening and caring that I was sad and all.. ^_^

anyway, yeah. I'm fecking tired. GAH shite it's 5am already!? damn. *laughs* I don't even know if Himeros and I are gonna get together tomorrow like we'd orifginally planned or if tonight took the place of that...in any event, meeting up with *Blake* to go to Jitter's at 3.30, so, ehm.. I should sleep. (but I'm having the biggest crisis ever cos I'm *really* thirsty but I can still taste Himeros-ness and I'll lose that soon enough, I don't want to hasten the process.....blah.)

so yeah, g'night all.....

*Ananda Daydream * 5:11 AM * (0) stars grow bright *

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8.21.2003

my breath quivers as it meets the air outside, which is changed by your presense that i guess at and grasp for but can never be certain i feel. the sea sparkles as the night sky, your breath permeating what has already left and so no longer touches me, a connection too faint to realise yet i clutch at it all the same, gossamer threads which evaporate as my eager fingers touch them. my senses can tell me nothing, my heart everything. my mind tries only to find a reason where reason as i have known it is not needed. for you yourself are the reason, though i have been trained to think that i am the reason and have rebelled and believed that there could be no one self as the reason. yet something deeper still yearns to believe. but realisation cannot come, only hope, the dove which flies far above us all, where senses fall short. and i see you reflected in a thousand things that could never hold your face. a star descends but does not fall. you walk beside but never the same as your companions. a stride breaks, which only you can mend but perhaps it was meant to be so. from intangible threads i spin my new clothes, which none can see and i can only believe are there. does thought end and imagination begin? or shall we dream as life, you and i...

-=-

ok. I *am* channelling T.S. Eliot now but... wow. *smiles*
I'm feeling.. I don't even know. Drained, but in a good way. Let's see if I can sleep now, without being sidetracked by still more of these drops that fall from somewhere I've never seen and give me a voice I've never heard.....

*Ananda Daydream * 3:28 AM * (0) stars grow bright *

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You saw the star brush the blades of grass
light melding with the midnight dew
    fire and water combined

And a thing that is impossible
shows itself possible beneath a thin moon
    barely holding to life itself
    it draws breath from such as this

A feather lovingly plucked
from the wings of a new-born angel
    placed in your human hand
    to fill your soul and, overflowing,
    to fill the Dream again

-=-

*blinks again*
So I listened to Sigur Rós, track one on () (song occasionally known as "Vaka"), and tried to settle in and write fic again. Flipped through some of the bits of things I'd written to go along with the songs (which have no lyrics, Jonsi's singing Hopelandic, their made-up language..the booklet has no words, just thin pages that are quite nice to write on, and words from the band's interviews come back and remind you that the paper's there to be used for whatever the song brings to you)...
And then *this* happened.
..a little more of me this time, but.....this? this isn't my writing, even still..the images are more of mine, the rhythms in both are mine(/Bono's/T.S. Eliot's but anyway..), but...
The central image(s) belong entirely to "Vaka", though, it brought this to me.. Sigur Rós' music sounds like nothing else in this world ever has..I'm watching the clip of them on the Carson Daly show, the taping I was at, and...they're human, they're people all right, they act so differently from any other artists I've loved they're from another country and speak so differently, but their music is from farther away than that.....

I'd sleep, like I'd meant to an hour and a half ago, but I can't ignore these things. *smiles a little* Am, however, still completely confused by them..maybe just cos I'm tired, but....I don't know.
..I *do* hope this all doesn't look impossibly silly come morning, tho.
(*laughs a little* and I'd just added a comment to the Niagara Falls post, explaining that that's not meant to be anything, just my thoughts didn't line up into sentances so I didn't try to force them into it, and I said that I know better than to try to write poetry. I'm *still* not stupid enough to try calling this that, but... *shrugs* here it is, tho I may hate it in the morning.)

*Ananda Daydream * 2:25 AM * (0) stars grow bright *

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the stars fall and die
one and another
darkness spreads across the sky
    as it fills the space
    left by the empty place
       of an unwanted lover

look to the sky and see a
thousand souls shatter
    the dove shot through
    the feathers scatter
       drift as bloodied snow to the once-clean ground

and I don't know if I want you
or need you there's no feeling
    for myself inside I cry only
    for others not this thin soul
       my blood stains the feathers not my skin

-=-

*blinks*
I've no idea. Watched the first three episodes of FLCL (furi kuri), told Himeros that I agreed that it's awesome, said goodnight, and curled up with my fanfic to write some more.
A blank sheet of paper sat waiting for me, and *this* happened.
It's really kind of frightening when something just comes like that, you don't even think the words just appear in your head and you put them to paper...and sometimes you fear that it comes so easily cos it's like so many things before, but others..it's just coming to you and you have no part in it other than to transcribe it, occasionally sorting through words to find one that fits the feeling better but having very little to do with any of it at all.
And I know that's the way so many artists writers composers etc. have described their art but... 1| I am not a great, and 2| It's fecking creepy. 'Specially when it's dark and you're not even sure what it means...

*Ananda Daydream * 1:36 AM * (0) stars grow bright *

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8.20.2003

*laughs* Here I was, all worried that since AIM kicked me off AGAIN, I'd gotten people (ok basically Laur) worried cos I wasn't online...
...*Laur* wasn't on at all either, for the same reason as me - aim is refusing to connect.
Well, actually, mine's connected *now*...but had kicked me off *yet* again while I was downstairs watching U2's Red Rocks video. <3
Which I was doing cos when you've fallen down stairs only to be stuck watching your Dad and brother fight for half an hour...you just need some U2. (Well, that, and, had been talking to Megs as usual, and since it was the one-year anniversary of her Afghan Adam's arrival (*how* she manages to remember *all* these dates I've no idea - *I* certainly never can..then again, Megs = mathgeek *g*), there was afair bit of Adamness about tonight and gheeee she HAD to mention the Adam-butt in Red Rocks. That kinda settled it. ^__^
Which reminds me..a few new small details I noticed while watching tonight. Bono shoots Edge this LOOK, for like half a second, in..ehm..I think it's "New Year's Day". And it's seriously only a split second but it's this LOOK and I was like o___o ghee. *g* When "Seconds" kicks back in after the break, and the camera goes back to Edge..hard as it is, look *behind* Edge and watch Adam, he's like, super-all-moving-about and it's cuute. *g* "Threw a Brick"...guuuuh Lar. Which isn't a new thing I noticed, but like, that middle-bit he's playing almost faster'n my eyes can follow...gheee my baby. <3 Adam is actually wearing jeans. Whoa. And in the quiet-bit of "I Will Follow", where it slows up and the camera goes back to Adam, whose all crouched-over and stuff (and where they ganked the pic of him on the cd/lp sleeve from)..watch that in slow-motion if you can. Or like, pause at every frame (which's what I get to do now that WE HAVE A PAUSE-BUTTON THAT WORKS WOOOOOO!!!!! ^___^). Due to the looseness of Adam's magically-dropping-open-more-at-every-song shirt, when he leans over like that you can see all the way to his waist. And there are chest-shadows and things and it's nice. Also......watch what the bass *guitar!* neck is doing and where it is.... *guh dies* And I forget what else but they're all absolutely wonderful. *smiles* <3
merani-chan made fun of my baaaby and I was annoyed. :p His mouth is open like that when he's all into it and the song is jsut *there* and he's playing with everything he has, and his face just-----
There's no explaining it. Lar is wonderful.
(And merani-chan was just like, "uuuuuuhm, NO, that's just wrong" when she saw Adam's butt-bopping dance-thing. which shows that she just doesn't get it yet..... *giggles*)

Anyway, yeah. Fair enough day... went to bed early (around 1?) last night cos I had a headache, woke up about 10.30 and felt mostly-fine ('cept for my stomach being kind of off, but this is becoming a normal thing lately 9_9 ), but wasn't quite sure it wasn't too early for 'Nandas to be awake yet. Plopped down at the computer, checked messages, dozed off in front of the computer for like another hour. Woke up, left a message or two for Himeros who was out working on his roof again (Pearce Memorial Chuch's getting people together to help them fix their roof, cos it's like, madcrazyinsanely bad. if I thought I'd be able to help and matantis wouldn't get pissy about it, I'd *love* to go help, really... meanwhile 'tantis isn't helping at all, which bothers me rather a lot.....). Went thru the pile of unlabeled cds that's been sitting about forever, labeled those that'd already been burnt, burned anime onto the blank ones...tried cleaning out my registry with this program I got hold of awhile ago, found out it'd only clear up 15 of the errors each time it scanned my registry...I have over 600 errors in there right now... ^^;;;;. Hung out with merani-chan, watched her playing a demo of Roller Coaster Tycoon (which I'm going to try NOT to get..I know how *insanely* addicted I got to the original SimCity back in the day...this might very well be worse ^^;; ), then Mom picked us up to go shopping. Only Grandma ended up taking us cos Mom was gonna wait around cos she figured 'tantis'd likely call her for rides places or whatever and yeah. So... shopping we went. We got stuff. Merani and I actually FOUND PANTS it was like whoa. *laughs* (Even more amazing: she got a pair of jeans, I got a pair of non-jeans. o____o *giggles*) So, I have cool new clothes, including a shirt with 23 on it, tho it doesn't bear *any* other resemblance to one of Edge's at all, sadly. *g* And I have this great black t-shirt with happy script-y letters that say "rebel" and a chaaaain that runs diagonally across. And awesome kinda satiny-fabric black pants with zippers and pockets. So I put all this on when I was home later, and looked in the mirror, with my bracelets and necklaces and all this, and I'm like DUDE, I am PUNK/GOTH WOOOO! *laughs* So Dad hasn't seen this outfit yet, not sure that he will.
And anyway, as Megs intelligently pointed out, I need some black eyeliner to complete the outfit first
^_____^
And random other cool clothes, and I actually found SHOES which is like megasupermiraclehi.
So we spent mad tons of Grandma's money but yeahhhh...
Came home, got on aim, was snogged senseless and etc. by ZooLar, tried on new clothes, Megs was snogged senseless and etc. by her gorgeous Afghan Adam (Adams and maroon silk robes are just..guuuuuh ^___^)...
And Dad called all of us downstairs.
Stood up, couldn't feel my one foot at ALL. Hate that. Still in the awesome new black pants (tho not the shirt), attempted to go downstairs.
Managed it most of the way, really!
And *just* as I finished saying, "Yeah, I can't feel my foot at all, so if I fall---"
I fell.
It sucked.
It was only down like three steps, but I have a rather impressive scratch all the way up my arm. And my one nail broke down below the white-part, so that kinda hurts. Backside, which I landed squarely on, is quite fine, due to the generous padding back there. :p
So, nursed my wounds and sat on the floor at the bottom of the stairs.
And Dad proceeded to launch in matantis about basically everything all over again.
...For those who hadn't heard... 'tantis the genius boy is not supposed to drive Dad's blue car except to work. And especially not very far away right now cos the tires are sketchy and kinda not all that saef apparently. Over the weekend, 'tantis drove it to take his friends and him out riding. All the way out to..I forget. Somewhere definitely far away. And, of course, 'tantis being the master of all car-trouble, they got a flat. Dad had to drive clear out there to get them. He was not pleased. This of course led to the usual fighting yelling etc, 'tantis talking about moving in with mom (again), and Twins being banned from our house (*secret little cheer of happiness*).
So, yeah. That got re-hashed, as well as everything else. And 'Tantis answered things and talked back which, as we long-ago learned, only extends things.
Nothing was said by or to merani-chan or I. We just got stuck there witnessing all this. (And Dad has his reasons why - we *are* witnesses to the whole thing, we're his evidence when Matt says he did or didn't say something...'course, also vice-cersa but y'know.)
What drives *me* nuts, is that 'tantis and Dad both accuse each other of the same thing - twisting what the other persion says. Thing of it is? They *both* definitely do it. A lot. But of course neither will admit that they do, they just point out that the other does.
Needless to say, it's not even like there's the least bit of interest in listening to their arguments, cos quite often they decend into not even really making any sense, combating points with things that aren't entirely true or relevent. On top of that, thanks to Dad being involved, it's usually the same things being rehashed. (Seriously. 'member lecture 2a? it's STILL in rotation, no joke. 9_9 )
What'd be amusing if it wasn't so tiresome: Dad saying "but that's in the past, we're going to move on from there"...and then bringing up some dispute from like a month ago.

So, it was like eh blah, merani-chan and I were bored out of our minds, I played with the pockets (*hehehe*) on my new pants and sorted out my laundry from the piles on the stairs. (Oddly enough, it was *not* the laundry that made me fall..was mostly, I think, my pant leg getting under my foot. as well as probably the fact that I still couldn't *feel* my other foot at that point. 9_9 )

Finally, that ended, bounced back upstairs and got back on aim and talked to Megs who cheered me up as always. ^___^ And sent me to NEW pics of BARE LARRY CHEST guuuuuuuuh *dies*. ^____^ It was good. *hehehe*

And then, as mentioned, watched Red Rocks and it was like yay. ^_^

So now that my aim's working and so is Laur's.. I'm gonna talk to her awhile. Then I think write. And sleep. I should SO be packing cos I LEAVE SATURDAY WHAAAAAT!??!?! but ehmmm..

I'm the master of procrastination. can't do anything to tarnish the title, now can I? *g*

*Ananda Daydream * 1:50 AM * (0) stars grow bright *

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