***stardust

7.09.2004

ok. as long as I don't stop, I'll make it...

..sometimes it's the small things that save one's day. I'm out there mowing, had just gotten to her backyard, and Dad comes out, suggests I go get some dinner together, he'll finish mowing...but that made me determined. *laughs gently* so I finished mowing and I'm sweating like mad but I survived...time for some dinner, then work, then crashing then sleep then another day...

..but at least after that hell-time'll be abated.

*Ananda Daydream * 5:23 PM * (0) stars grow bright *

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going to take a shower just now, I discovered a near-perfect little ringlet of red circles around my ankle. an anklet of flea bites, how charming.
damn fecking ineffective flea bombs. >_<;

I keep dreaming about people from high school.

..that is, *when* I can dream - they've been working on the neighbor's roof (her house being, what, ten feet from my window?) for like, two weeks now, and the past few mornings they've been making so much noise doing it that I can't sleep.

I can't mow while they're working, and they always leave just as I finally give up and take a shower.

So it's 4pm, I have mowing to do, then grabbing dinner and going to work *again* - despite initial assumptions of a few nights a week, I worked every night last week and this week had only Monday off, cos it was a holiday, people and their damn fecking vacations. I mean at least it's some money - which I need more'n ever, after seeing what my student loans are starting to look like - but... it's putting a dent in my evenings, and most importantly? it's eating up all the time I'd usually spend with Megs, which I'm finding I need far more than I could have thought...
I *miss* you.

And tomorrow morning? I'm being picked up at 6am for babysitting. -_-;;;

*sigh*

things need to die down again for awhile, this is ridiculous and I'm *tired* of it.

..though, at the same time, I hate the greyness that always hits when I'm *too* much spare time on my hands..but I'd be combatting it on my own at this point, I'm going half-mad with bottled-up creativity..not that I've specific ideas I need to get out just now, but I need to get *something* out, I just need to write and draw so badly.....
..but I never could work just after getting up, and then I'm busy cooking, working, or being listless and tired.
meh.

..but enough with the griping - I have mowing to do. e_e;

*Ananda Daydream * 4:04 PM * (0) stars grow bright *

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me, griping about the prospect of working tonight then leaving at 6am to babysit: "I don't *like* this working thing."
dad: "That's why you're getting an education."

..why, so I can work even *harder* to get someplace where I can make a little more money that I don't care about anyway?

notice I've not taken a single course that's "practical" in any way, with the possible exception of my computer classes.

I don't *want* a career, and I don't intend to have one unless it's entirely on my own terms - which basically means that it happens accidentally. *g*

...

*dry laugh*

look! indolence in the guise of principles!

geh.

*Ananda Daydream * 3:25 PM * (0) stars grow bright *

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Because Megs asked, and then cos looking through old sketchbooks was interesting, and then to test the downstairs scanner and see if it continued to make me happy... and oh goooodness, did it ever. ^_________^

..so that officially scans better, while mine prints better. :p

anyway.

Larry, drawn from a rather small photo, sometime 2002. Ehm, do attempt to ignore the faint traces of words everywhere - forgot how thin the paper is in that sketchbook, and also how bright that scanner's light is. ^^; (It's actually the "Love is Blindness" ficlet I wrote ages ago.. the short little one where they're performing the song, and B's all uber-angst? *g* that one.)

Guggi, drawn from one of my fav photos, him all pretty and Adam, ehm, well..yes. *giiiggles* 8.2001, but still one of my favourite drawings somehow.

Macphisto, illustrating one of my in-progress fics, for my Drawing III class this past semester. cos it occured to me that no-one but those I actually live with have seen any of these, and, being the perfect size to scan, and being home where there's a scanner that actually *likes* the colour red.. s'aaaaall good. ^________^ This was one of my favourites, I think, mainly cos of the vase and flowers, cos omfghi they rock. *laughs* (Mackie and his robes and whatnot still could use some work..which's mainly why I hadn't signed the thing yet, I wasn't sure I didn't still want to touch some things up. ^^; )
..anyway, as this's a part of my series involving Phistos and flowers, the flowers are specific and were chosen for both their meaning and how they'd look together: cinquefoil (beloved child), anenome (forsaken), cherry (education), forget-me-not (do not forget). (In the fic, this's pretty much the opening scene.. Mack's emerging from, well, his usual nightly activities, and on a table there's a vase of flowers, left by someone he once knew, quite well...)

//end gratuitous picture-post.

*Ananda Daydream * 1:20 AM * (0) stars grow bright *

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7.07.2004

so, thank goodness for new blank cds at last~

cos, uh, y'know how I have like, 120gb of harddrive, total?

yeah.

I was definitely down to like, 6gbs free.

^^;;;

*giggles*

soooo, the last three hours or so have been spent burning cds (well and watching random stuff - Hundred Tales (random anime), Futurama, Candy Candy (random old anime)), we're now back up to 14gbs free..hopefully Lawrence is a little less cranky. *pets*

*Ananda Daydream * 2:31 AM * (0) stars grow bright *

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7.06.2004

Thanks to Erik for being a bit of reality. ^_^

..and Megs? *hugs* I miss you. lots.

*Ananda Daydream * 3:15 AM * (0) stars grow bright *

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someone do me a favour? find a reality for me and tie me down to it.

Today was good, today was something tangible, normal, fun, light, warm and comfy and familiar and good.

But even there.. the allure of an old building, wanting to find stories there, the mustiness of half-remembered things.. and then I come home, where I watch another handful of episodes of Queer as Folk and talk to Megs and.....

Summer gives me far too much time to think, I always say that's what I want, what I need, alone-time, time to sort through things and let all the varied debris from the past months settle.. but then they fall away and there's all this room left for things to chase themselves around in circles, and there's so little I have that I can hold on to lately...

..as if my mind didn't already throw itself into enough loops a few years back, college and various other things have just added to the whirlpool in there.....

But I've never had a good grip on reality, about 90% of the time, there's a damn big gap between inside my head and that outside reality-thing.. and the moment I try to get a grip on it, it slips further away...

maybe I just think too hard.

..or maybe I don't think enough, too many things happen to me that just sort of happen, it's not like I plan them...

Is that fate, God, or my own lack of direction?

maybe it's just that I've never liked the mundanity of the "real world", I always *hated* that idea, y'know, "when you get out in the real world..." I'm sorry, I don't think I'm ever gonna find it, my mind + reality just don't mesh. that, and just.. even in high school, in jr high, I was never content to fit in with the normal day-to-day dullness, not the exaggerated drama over nothing and not the tedium of classes and the same clothes as everyone else, y'all know that... scared the shit outta good ol' commonplace Blake (Heaven only knows why on earth I couldn't let go of him.. *laughs gently* ..two more opposite people - on the outside, at least - weren't in that school..) one day, cheerfully suggesting completely crumbling the dry structure of society.

what was it I had Mead say, that final band concert, about what I wanted to do, wasn't it that I was gonna be a rock star?

..I want a house, I want to plant gardens and have kids and cook dinners for my family, I want pets and I want to sew Hallowe'en costumes and I want to wrap Christmas presents. I really do.

But there's still that part of me that wants to run free, that wants to live out of the backseat of an old car, roaming around the country for awhile (if anyone leaves ANY comment about me not being able to drive yet, I refuse to reply, I've heard it enough thankyou), I want to travel, I want to see everywhere and hear the stories from everyone I meet, I want to write and I want to photograph, I want to create, I want to be a singer in a rock band, I want to be at a concert every night, I want to live in dreams and stardust...

...I have the dreams, just not the drive, ambition, or confidence to chase after them.

Confidence, I realised tonight, is not something I innately possess - it's something I only borrow from others, I only take on when they show it in me..

Maybe it's just the willingness to grab reality and bend it into a path for me to follow that I don't have.

Cos that's the thing - I have my dreams, but I don't know if I really *want* them. I want to always be able to see them, I can barely imagine how amazing it must feel to be onstage, lost in the music that's charged the air around you..

..but I don't want to be famous. There's nothing in that that appeals to me at all, nor in being rich, unless it's the ability to use that to help others.

...is this, then, what it is to be an artist? to be ever-caught between these myraid existances, these lives as countless as the stars in the skies, to catch a handful of stardust from one and spread it over the flower from another, and present to the world its own self...

..its self, as seen by your self, who's not even certain of the link between things tangible and in-...

..I really did have a good weekend, but my mind won't let me dwell on normal things just now, will get back to y'all when it does. I think I need to go draw for awhile... or write, only I fear that by writing I'll just lose what little grip on a self I have just now.

...summer vacation's about half-over, right?

*Ananda Daydream * 12:26 AM * (0) stars grow bright *

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