PThe Nightingale and the Rose, Oscar Wilde

        The Sorrows of Young Werther, Goethe


        Way behind on all crochet.
        It is NaNoNovember!

        anandadaydream's Profile Page

        blogger profile
        library thing

        desert songs
        amaranth and jasmine
        my lj


        Amaranthus, continued (NaNoWriMo 2010)
        untitled (2009)
        untitled (2008)
        Amaranthus (NaNoWriMo 2007)
        untitled (2006)
        Beneath the Dust (2005)
        Mortal Angel (2005)

        quid pro quo
        modernday phoenix
        life of a naturefreak

        lesbian pirates
        questionable content
        the dreamer
        joe the circle

        101 cookbooks
        i can haz cheezburger

        the hunger site
        the ONE campaign
        amnesty international


        the quote lists:
        summer 2004
        (rest to come once I get them online again~)

          the massive archives:
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          01/09/2011 - 01/16/2011
          01/30/2011 - 02/06/2011

Gotta love it...*making face*
Random guys will keep talking to you online...until you tell them you don't have a picture to send them. Then, they just kinda...fall silent.

*rolling eyes*
"I have potential!"
"Yeah, you can be unknown all over America!" - Bobby and Zengler

"I got rhythm, I got music, I got... ... ...*headache*." - a hung-over Bobby

Lank (yells in insult): "You are close to an idiot!"
Bobby: *takes a step back*

*laughs* See, *told* ya y'all missed a good show...*g*

(and then, listening to Lani singing...)

"They're writing songs of love, but not for me. A lucky star above, but not for me..."...and "Someone to Watch Over Me"...I remember who I was paired up with on the latter there in ensemble...*smile*...thought the same things hearing the lyric then as I did tonight.....

Geh. Sorry. (And Laur, *you* worry about being melodramatic?! *wry laugh*)

Ah! *Sooo* glad it's Friday!!! *g* And I'm dead tired and have a headache, but don't care, am quite happy right now. *smile*
Just got back from seeing Krazy for You over at Gates-Chili, the summer production-thing... Didn't think I was gonna make it for awhile - Heather copped out on me, Blake had a pre-show (instead of post-show, cos they've got a matinee tomorrow) party to go to...fortunately, Dad was about, and took me up.
*Tried* to get Teraa to come - she was too busy in a chatroom and waiting on a phonecall (*which* never came). home a few hours prior, and had to call Calypso back. >_<
Ah well. Y'all missed a GREAT show. ^_^
Lani had the female lead, and did an incredible job, as always. Some other peeps from school were in it, A.J., Katie G., Bill Rowe (which was odd, cos he graduated *last* year), some others...
And, of course, Blake. ^_^
Dude, I am *so* glad I gave up trying to do plays! *laugh* was *crazy*, the amount of dancing and stuff in that! (No *wonder* they had so many crazy rehearsals!!!) Was mostly tap dancing..and some of the songs went on for like, over ten minutes. The show ran about three hours, total...*craziness*. And they all did such a *great* job..I mean, the girls who were playing showgirls/dancers I'm pretty sure really *are* dancers, and I know Lani is, and the guy-lead *must've* been... but then, everyone else did an incredible job, too, they really did.
And Blake? I know never had a dance lesson in his life. Just ensemble, plays, singing saints...(which I know's a lot, really, but still..)
And..thing is....we *did* a Krazy for You medley back in jr. high, 9th grade, for me. was so funny, some of us were talking during intermission and afterwards and things, we remembered all the songs, the horrid choreography...(Nicole and I both *SO* did the knife-thing out in the audience..."the way you hold...your....knife!" *miming stabbing selves* *laugh*) And...I just kept thinking back, Blake really couldn't dance at *all* back then, I remember...(never bothered me, I couldn't either, we'd jsut laugh about it together *smile*). But now? *whistle* ..the boy's gotten frickin' *GOOD*.
Was *so* *cute*, tho..the first time he was onstage, he was sitting up on the roof of one of the "buildings" on the set. Was so cool. ^_^ ...I don't even know why, but to me, it was. ^_^
Dude, and like, he was in the "cowboy trio", right, with A.J. and some other kid? And the first "Bidin' My Time", I could *barely* even hear the other two. Just Blake. (Not that this was at *all* bad...he's got such a gorgeous voice, he really does... *smile*) Same thing happened one or two other times, too...yay Blake. ^_^
(Trouble was...'nanda got horribly jealous anytime he was dancin' or lookin' at a girl, tho I knew all the while it was acting.....still, was ready to smack whoever it was that all sidled up to him, put her arm around him... >_<# ...almost wished that I *had* been in the play.....)
But he really was wonderful, dancing, singing, acting..wasn't the biggest part, but he was in most scenes..and I know I missed some of the *main* action cos I was watching him..*wry grin*...I know I'm just gushing, but hey, it's *my* frickin' blog. No-one's making you read it. *g*
...found him afterwards..actually, he was getting a hug from a grandparent, I think, his dad saw me first, said hi...then Blake [GAH! *so* hard to remember to use code-name! ..then when I *see* him, I come *so* close to calling him Blake!! -_-; ) saw me, I gave him a hug (prolly slightly longer than was really necessary or customary on such an occasion, but like taht wasn't intentional? ~_^ ), told him what a great job he did (tho, uh, not in such detail..will talk to him or e-mail him later *g*), he said he was really glad I made it.. we talked for awhile, random other people came up and talked...he complained about the mic wire being too tight around him stomach, "I haven't gotten a full breath in about four hours," and went off to go change...I told him again he'd done wonderful, half-punched his shoulder, my hand slid down his arm a little ways.. *shrug* *g* I found Greg (and his cellphone *g*) and called home..uhh, sorta...was so staticy, only after about four tries could I make out *anything*...geh. *g* Blake came back, having changed, the three of us talked for a minute or so, then I went outside to wait for dad.

Thing is...*sigh*. Was talking to Heather yesterday, right?..talked about her and Steve (who she'd just gotten a letter from - he left for the army a week or two ago)...and me and Blake.....and, the way she sees it, yeah, I had chances, but I didn't take them ("I know, I know, trust me, I know!!!"). But now, I should just focus on the new guys I'm gonna meet in college...and she's convinced there's a better guy out there for me than Blake. 'You guys will always love each other, you'll always have that, and be friends, but... there's someone better than him for you out there.' (Heh...yeah, and, "I know *you* find him attractive, but..", she kinda shook her head...*half-laugh*.....he's beautiful, I'll never see him any other way than that...and maybe it's just my love for him messin' with my perceptions, but...*smile*)
She's really convinced of this.

Meanwhile, I've got Meg (who, no, doesn't know us in person, has never lived here, never even *seen* us..but I've told her so much, that..) telling me that it really looks like it could work out between us. And I know some of what she says is just to encourage me, looks to me like there's a real validity in a lot of it.

What to do?

I just got thru lsitening to Heather, but...watching him tonight? ...I loved him so much. Every movement he made, I saw, every facial expression, every note I heard (err, well, almost *g*). Anytime he did anything silly or out-of-character for him or just *cute*, I had the biggest grin on my face. (Prolly a *good* thing Teraa-chan didn't come--! ^^; ) Just..watching him, I was blown away...who he can be on stage is so very different from who we all see him as...he's very, shall we say, straight-laced? conservative, largely quiet, tho extremely sarcastic...and here he is, playing a cowboy, singing and dancing all over the place...*smile*
...I want to know *Blake*, who he *really* is, what thoughts run thru his head...I really do. Every once in awhile, I'll get something *real* from him...and it's incredible, I love it so.....

Is Heather right? ...cos I mean, really, to my mind...I've two futures ahead of me. One, I end up with Blake, and we settle down to a nice, quiet life, him as a teacher, me staying home, tho maybe working parttime or something, still keeping up on things in the world and doing what I can, volunteering, online, etc. Two, I'm a rock star, or at least something close, roadcrew even, photographer, whatever, even just a random starving artist; and I'm Bono, and I find a nice blue-haired drummer...
Reality, yes, I'm sure there's more than those two possibilties - and even those, wouldn't necessarily work out that way. But those are the two that are constantly warring in my quiet side vs. my desire to be heard and seen, who I've a feeling I *am* right now vs. who I *want* to be...maybe who I *really* am inside vs. what I seem to be, thoughts as opposed to actions.
Do I go with Bono or Blake? ..Blake is the realistic one, but I don't want to let go of my dreams..... (but then, Blake's a dream, too...)

What do I do for what little summer I have left? ..seems pointless to try anything further with Blake now, beyond building up our friendship so it'll last, maybe (tho I'm sure it's survived one six-year seperation without any cotact at all, so..*smile*)...but......I wish we'd given the romantic-thing a chance. I really and truly do. Cos...I think I need to know whether it'd've worked out or not. Until then, I can't move on.
I *should* try looking at other guys, but...gah, I *tried* that for a year, and it didn't work, I landed stuck back on Blake again! Granted, college will be very different, *so* many other people, from all different backgrounds, and maybe things *will* change...but...right now, I don't want them to. Right now, I'm so scared that he'll hook up with someone at Naz...

Whoa. Have I rambled. I said, I'm quite tired. Going to bed now, gotta do mega-college-shopping tomorrow. woo. *twirling finger in air*

Yay! Just found the vid for db's "Slow Burn"! Page is here, direct link to vid is here. You'll need quicktime.
...*happy sigh*...pretty Bowie-kun.... ^_^
MY NEW COMPUTER CAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! W00000000007!!!! ^_^
I7 i5 l337.
*v3ry* l337.


(Teraa-chan said I looked like a little kid on Christmas. ^_^ Windows XP installation music is the BEST. ^_^)

AND got my grad presents from Heather!!!! Drumsticks! YAY!!! ^_^ ..and, uh, other stuff, which I may or may not get into later.. o_O;;;

And babysitting was pretty easy and fun today, Amber slept in 'til 9am, so I went back to sleep, and all this stuff, and---!

Happy Edge's Birthday, everyone. ^_^
(Inc. Edge. You rock. We love you. ^_^)

Aubrey called me today. Mainly to ask if I still had his bike sitting about (which I do, had been wondering what to do there), but also to chat a bit. was okay. *shrug* I dunno...maybe I've forgiven him...I don't know. I've still no desire to hang out with him much anymore, that's over now, I think, but...I don't think I'm still so actively mad at *him*. Still mad at all that he *did*...(and especially, in some ways, it looks to be starting again...). But...
I dunno. Have to think on things some more yet.
He's gonna stop by and pick up his bike sometime, I told him he could stop by whenever, there's usually someone home..but if not, the breezeway's not usually locked, so...*shrug*
Oh, and I have his number now, if anyone needs/wants it.
Yay! ^_^ ...sweet-sounding new db best of coming out soon...and a dvd with *videos*!!!! wooo! ^_^
Daffy...this worries me, a little..more than a little, but...go read my comments there.
I'm sorry...
Waii~~! ^_^
Over on 12 Stones' website?? Yeah. There's an update sound clip...*and it's the drummer talking*. *G*
My Own Prison
(Tremonti/Stapp; Creed)

A court is in session, a verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today
Just my own sin
The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel
Silence now the sound
My breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around
My face showing no emotion
Shackled by my sentence
Expecting no return
Here there is no penance
My skin begins to burn
So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
I hear a thunder in the distance
See a vision of a cross
I feel the pain that was given
On that sad day of loss
A lion roars in the darkness
Only he holds the key
A light to free me from my burden
And grant me life eternally
Should have been dead
On a Sunday morning
Banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time
So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one
I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison
Bah. Enough navel-gazing for one night! ...too tired to be that serious that long, my brain's gonna just short-out if I try much longer...
B'sides, I promised an account of the Blake-dream I had a few nights ago. ^_^
(So glad I was smart enough to write it all down as soon's I woke up that morning---!)

I was at a party at Blake's (dream-version) house (didn't look at *all* like his real house), there were a ton of us all hanging out in the backyard. Blake and I were laying down in the grass by each other (kind of at right angles to each other, really). He left for a minute, and I found this flattened-out penny, like what you get out of those crank-machines, they imprint a new design on the penny for fifty cents? yeah, one of those. It said something about golfing on it, so I figured it was Blake's dad's. (Note: that makes sense. *g*) Talked to some people (Lisa was talking about..eww. nevermind, is gross. o_O;). Blake's cousin (who's our age, goes--err, went! - to school with us) and his girlfriend were commenting on how close together Blake and I had been. Then Blake was coming back, so I lay back down where I'd been before. He lay back down near me again.
"Guess what I found?" I asked, showing him the penny. "Do you know what it is?" he asked me. "Your dad's," I answered. "From [name of place on penny]?" "*And*?" I didn't know, and he took it... then he was like, using it to mess with an alarm clock, an old one he'd had for a long time (in the dream). And I think he was trying to get it to work right... [Thank you Laur for the clock-bit---! *laugh*]
Then Blake's mom came out of the back door, saw him messing with the clock, and started *yelling* at him. (Note: this wasn't so true-to-life, character-wise...his mom is really sweet. out there, but sweet. I can *see* her yelling, maybe, but...*shrug*) She told him to stop messing with it, he didn't know how to do it yet... He kept working at it (tho he'd put a piece on backwards at one point). Then she called him in, and started *lecturing* him about how they *needed* that clock...and then all this bs, this huge long thing, like what *I'm* usually getting, this whole thing with taking on responsibility and not messing things up and making them difficult for other family members, and how things were rough and they had to do all they could, I don't remember quite, but stuff along those lines.
And I was still standing just outside the back door, and heard it all. Karin was the only other one still out back, and she was totally absorbed in playing cards, and so didn't hear a thing I don't think. (Note: *this* is probably about right. *g*)
Then I saw Dad's car pull in out front, and rushed into the house after Blake. Caught up with him on the stair landing by the front door.
And the look on Blake's face was so....bewildered..sad..scared, even...hurt..... ...heartbreaking.
I threw my arms around him, crying his name [note: his real name sounds much nicer'n "Blake" *g*], he held me, and he was crying.....(I've never seen him cry.) I either said, or thought to say 'Welcome to my world,' try to comfort him, let him know he wasn't alone in this...but then he started choking something out: "I...I... All I can do is remember what...your dad said to me....." "What? What'd he say to you, Blake?" "He said... it was *my* fault that your mom left." (Note: semblance to reality at all. Dream-reasoning: He'd distracted me, I was always thinking about him, and not mom? not my family? ..something like that...) "No, no, no, Blake, it's not your fault at *all*! It's not at *all*! etc..." I cried, hugging him, kissing his neck and cheek, our faces pressed together and rubbing against each other...and things had changed so quickly from comfort into something else...we were about to start kissing...and he started to move his hands up inside my shirt..."No, Blake, my dad's right there in the frickin' driveway!" He stopped (tho he knew I only meant to stop for the moment), and I promised I'd be *right* back, once I'd begged some more time from Dad.
Ran to the car, asked Dad if I could stay longer, he got all pissed and yelled, tried to lay a guilt trip on me etc., but I wouldn't let him... "I got the car all fixed up so I could come get you..." "I told you I'd be home at 8-ish [note: was 8 then], and I might get a ride." [note: that's all not too far from possible]...he got pissed, said he couldn't get my pictures developed then, I'd had him take in too many already. "Okay, fine, it doens't matter." He left, and I didn't care.
I ran back into the find Daf and, uhh, Zerubbabel [who dream-version Daf'd been crushing on...*no* semblance to real-life!] standing where Blake and I had been, and the two of them were like, making out. They stopped when they saw me. "No, no, it's okay guys, you know which way Blake went?" They didn't know, so I reasoned he'd gone upstairs (since Daf and Zeru'd come from downstairs). I ran up the stairs faster'n anything, and he was there at the top of the stairs waiting for me.
His room was like, right there, he showed me around it (looked nothing like his room really does)...

Then, stupid dream shifted, and there were two other girls in the room too, we were watching a commercial on tv...
And then I woke up. (Now, had I stayed asleep, I could've thrown the two girls out of the room, and... ^_~)

So...yeah. There it is. Too much angsty-fic, been discussing Blake with Meg too long, too many daydreams, I've no idea.
But...I can't get it out of my head...the look on his face...his hands on me.....
*cough* Right, anyway. Need to get some sleep. Am insanely tired, if I take too long blinking I'm gonna fall asleep right here---!

random current good music:
"Can't Help Falling in Love With You (Triple Peaks remix)", U2.
"Angelfalls", Ayla

"I need you to feel exactly like I do inside
But I feel so alone again
I try to find a better life
Somewhere far away from here
But I need you to believe in me"
- "Fade Away", Twelve Stones
Laur... yeah, this was all piling up, anyway. What's come out on mine and Daf's blogs are offshoots of both what you've said, and also what we were talking about the other night. So don't think you've plunged us all into this. *g*

But..., whatever *happened* to 9th-grade me, 10th-grade me, trying to get together a club to save the world? *smile* ...but really...I had a lot more enthusiasm for it then than I do now. That's bad. I *liked* that about me. ...I still *care*, but..I'm too easily bogged down in the everyday, I think...

And... Laur, you said you just want to help, want to avoid the famous-thing...and me...that's just it. I don't know. Like, I don't think...I don't really want to be famous for the sake of being famous. And I don't want the trappings of it... ... ...hrm. Now that I think of it...maybe I don't, either. But, no, still, that's just it. I want to be well-known. Not famous. There's a difference in my mind... I want my stuff to be out there, to be heard...(tho at the same time, I don't think it's worth the attention...but I think it is...but I just wish it was....see, again, I'm split, I don't know...).
But, I think...I want recognition for it, I think. I want them to know it was *me*. But then... see, it's weird. I have a love-hate relationship with recognition, with praise. When I get the attention, I try to defer it, am often embarrassed by it, don't feel like I deserve it. But, at the same time, inside...yeah, I enjoy it. And then, when I'm just another person, when no-one seems to notice what I can do...I start to get down. I want to be appreciated, I want to be necessary, and to know that I am...
...there's one bit from Mere Christianity that haunts me there:

"We must get over wanting to be needed: in some goodish people, specially women, that is the hardest of all temptations to resist."

..and taking a look at myself...*yeah*.
It's not at all to say that we shouldn't try to be worthwhile, y'know, that there's no point in being helpful, nothing like that...but...I think it's a pride-issue there.....
...that I've yet to overcome, I think.
.....there's so very much, about myself, that's unresolved...I'm going about, tying what things up I can here before I leave, but...damnit, I haven't even started in on the mess of loose pieces and split ends of everything inside much...usually I think I'm an alright person, but then I sit down and take a close look...and can't find a thing that's not flawed.
Yet, C.S. Lewis is again a comfort (even when it's giving me the biggest kick in the arse, it's still a comfort, it's a direction to look in). We *can't* do anything right. Not without God's help. We've got to learn to rely on Him...
...and...*sigh*...I haven't entirely yet. I don't know. I have to.....I really need to figure some of this out.....

(Oh, but Laur, don't worry, I *will* give the book back. Next time I see you, make me give it back, I've gotta go out and get my own copy anyway before leaving. ^_^)
"I feel angry I feel helpless
Want to change the world
I feel violent I feel alone
Don't try and change my mind"
-"One", Creed

...came up on my playlist just as I was reading your latest entry, Laur...not quite right, I know, but...
...I *won't* try to say I know how you feel, cos I *do* have dreams...I wanna be a rock star. I want to be with U2 (and, with Blake). Really, I *do* want to change the world, have some impact, help people, make a difference...if I could have *one* thing that even came close something like "Pride"---! story *worth* reading...something that will change people for the better...but
"I feel helpless...I feel alone". I really do most times. I dream, but have gained so little in reality, I think. The two don't touch very often. (Yes, I've gotten a concerto on my flute in band...but have I even ever *talked* to anyone who's in a rock band?) And I know I often *look* so confident, but...Daffy, you know more than anyone, I'm *not*, I'm so often so terribly insecure...about being too out there, now about maybe scaring guys away (thanks, Dad), about Blake, and even you guys, my closest friends, there are's nothing to do with anything you guys do or don't do, there's just some days that I sit tehre and wonder, does anyone *really* like me? ...and then there's my faith, and that's one of the shakiest things of all...and, I'm trying.....but am I trying as hard as I can?.....I don't think I am.....
"I try to sing this song I, I try to stand up,
but I can't find my feet...
I try to get in, but I can't find the door;
the door is open, You're standing there, You let me in..."
- "Gloria", U2.

"Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinkin'
Maybe six feet ain't so far down,
I'm so far down..." - "One Last Breath", Creed ...but then..."Cos I still believe there's somethin' left for you and me...". *sigh* I don't know. I've listened to a lot of Creed, of Twelve Stones, of U2 (esp. October) lately...then, was at Jitter's with Jess Dewalt and Becky Prine tonight...we were talking about all this stuff...and they were talking about how wonderful prayer is, and all this stuff...and I'm just sitting there, wishing...(tho, Jess just read Mere Christianity, was just as blown away by it as I was, so we talked about that some.)
There's so much I have to work out in my own head...I'm not sure which self is *me*.....(will I *ever* know?)

And then Daf...well, my thoughts are there in the comments, short-version, but...I don't know. I *should* forgive and make peace with Aubrey. I *know* I should. But...*getting* there is the problem. I'm stubborn, even when I hate being so...this's the second time that I've had a lot of trouble letting go of what is, in the end, a grudge (tho this one's got a lot more reason than the other...*sigh* but what kind of justification is there *really* for a grudge? I know there's not, no matter what, when you get down to it, but...).
Maybe...maybe it's that I was never as close to him as you guys were. And tho I was close to as concerned about him, I think you guys were more so. And...I don't know. There were always some things about him that on my nerves, I think. I don't know. Maybe that's it, I never had a clear-cut, simple(?) relationship with him. Or, at least, not as close to one as you guys had. That whole thing in jr. high, I was never in on. I hung out with Blake and Heather and everyone, who simply couldn't stand him. And I got to know him *thru* you guys, but...was never as close. Was there ever a time he told me something he didn't tell someone else?
And I know this's no excuse - if anything, I should be *less* mad at him for these reasons.
But...'s just so much easier just letting it fade, and go, and falling silent and just trying to forget.
...but then...I've a nasty feeling that's not the right thing to do.
(The easy thing never enter thru the narrow gates, not the wide ones...)
..I'll...I'm gonna try to work it out, guys. I'll ask for your help, but I...I think it's something I've got to get God's help for.'s Him I need to learn to rely on.

And also, Daf...I wonder what happened this year. So many of us have seen it now. And tho when we talked about it, Blake said he'd never change...he has. Not as much, maybe, or not as obviously, but he has. And I know we all have...we have been thru the most insane year ever...but if we can make it thru *that*, we can make it thru *anything*, isn't it? right?...(God, I hope..).
But Daf...I never thought I could be a leader. I still don't feel like one. (Except for every once in band, I sorta did. Leading everyone onto the hotel roof on Long Island, I did. But...)
But don't think that you *have* to be.
You're a bass player - all you need do is *be* there. That's often more than enough. *smile*
I've not learned nearly all I can from you guys - that's why we have to stay in such close touch, right? *smile* I...I don't know. I don't feel as old as I should, I'm not a college student, what are you talking about?...
Again, tho, like I said in the comments...tho we may leave, and tho things may fade...that's just it, tho I haven't talked to any of my friends from Perry in so long, I still count so many of them as friends. Shannon I haven't spoken to in years, yet she's still very special to me. And Jason.....though I can't see his face so clearly as I once could, I can still hear his voice (stuttering every now and then), can still hear him saying my name, laughing at me when he teased me...
I can't remember everything, but I treasure it still. There's so much of me that's still there.
And even more of me will always be talking to you guys, joking around and then drawing things from the deepest parts of ourselves to share [gah, why can't I write, that sounds so lame and cliche!]...

I don't know if I'll fly either, Daf. I dream and hope and pray that I will. But I can't see my future at all. I can daydream it, but that's all. Nothing's clear at all.

Mehhhh...need to get some sleep tonight, will write it up here later.
Donna's grad party went pretty well, hung about all a few nice drawings done...and Meg, Heather S. and I spent a good deal of time watching very hot skater-boys on the small skatepark next to the pavilion we were in. ^_~ (There was one*g*)
But, got a job babysitting Heather (W.)'s little sister starting tomorrow....and I've gotta be tehre at 6 frickin' 30 in the morning.
Soooo, yeah. Will have more drawings up on Desert Songs soon, Daf *finally* uploaded some, at least. (Pleeeeeeeeease get Lemonation up soon, Daffy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Right. Need sleep. Cya.
...had the nicest Blake-dream last night...*daydreamy*...(may relate later, gotta get ready to go to Donna's right now..but alrady wrote it down, so don't worry, I won't forget..*smile*)
Oh dear. Again, faaaar too long of an entry. Gomen-nasai~~~! ^^;
So, will keep the rest of this short.

Oppose the death penalty in Egypt
(And, of course, oppose it here, too... ^_^)

Poor Robin Black lost his shades!!!! O_O ..that's...terrible, for a singer.... ;_; *g* ...the webmaster all sent out an e-mail asking after them, some girl has them..
"Robin really wants them back - they are quite important to him. Robin is willing to make offers of free merchandise, and tonnes of other shit. ... Please be a good egg and give a rockstar back his look :)"
(But, should by chance someone who's reading this *have* his shades, e-mail her. Shades *are* infinitely important to a singer. *as sits here with Bono-shades still on head* ~_^ )

Dark R.E.M.? Hrm. This should be interesting...def. a switch from "Reveal"...but they're suposed to tour *next year*!!!! Wooo!!!! ^_^ ...would *so* love to see them in concert...really have no idea what an R.E.M. concert'd be like, but...would be *good*, know that much. Michael Stipe's incredible...

Ahhh! Creed's "One Last Breath" just came up on WinAmp..."I'm six feet from the edge, and I'm thinkin'..." *laugh*...I am *SO* working that into a fanfic one of these days...*g* ...tho, all I can think of right now is the massive amounts of Bono/Edge pics on this page...O_O;; ...there are seriously, *multiple pages*. They're impossibly *cute*...but at the same time, that vaguely concerns me, that they've got at least four pages worth of these!...(also that this person's *collected* that many!) (ehrm..and also that I *saved* a good many of those... *laugh*)
(Gotta love the name of the site, tho. ^_~)
(Oh, and they've a whole ton of pics of Edge's family! which's really cool. Levi's so *cute*! ^_^ ...and there's the most adorable shot of Edge playing onstage, looking down at little Sian, who's watching...*smile*)

*yawn* I am *really* tired tonight....hrm. Granted, got a couple hours less sleep last night...and was outside all afternoon, but...*shrug* Ah well. Wanted to maybe do another U2 desktop tonight - it's really been awhile since I did one - but I think I'd get too drowsy. *g* ...will go work on my story for a bit, I think, then just fall asleep. (Been awhile since I did that this early...*g*)
YAY for Zinni being here!!!!! ^_^ (*Do* hope I get a chance to see you again before you leave, tho!!! ..sorry I didn't get to spend more time with you today, Zin, I really am...*feels bad* looked kinda lonely at Blake's, and I feel bad...)

Good and bad day, really. (Ok, well, technically this was all *yesterday* at this point, but...*g*)
Spent Fri. night at Daf's with Zinni, which was very nice. And Daf and I were up 'til 5am, just talking...about her and and Blake a bit...what music meant to us - how we got into it, the teachers that have meant so *very* very much to us, all this stuff...and how much U2 means to us...(Daffy, I'm so glad they mean as much to you as they do to me, I really am...*smile*)
So that was all very good (except for trying to get up the next morning! x___x *laugh*).

Got home about noon, figured I had two hours to take a shower and make Blake a card, then go to his grad party. Took a shower, then went to check my e-mail real quick.
Dad came in with the mail, I had a thing from the bank..and I looked at it, and wasn't quite sure what it was, so handed it to Dad to look at. And he got *all* pissed off. "You've taken out a $20,000 loan." ...I'm thinking, yeahhh...*you're* the one who helped me get it, remember?...and he storms off, saying something like, "you never listen to your father, he doesn't know a damn thing"...and I'm thinking, *what* are you talking about?!
Comes back, and lectures for like, an hour. Going on and on, I coul've gotten a job, and scholarchips, and all this stuff...and I got really upset, cos I *know* I shuold've tried to get more, but I didn't, and I don't know why, I really and truly don't...I don't...and I *know* I should've, I've been beating myself up about it forever now....and he's talking about how I'm slacking on responsibities and all this shit, and I'm sitting here crying (I don't take lectures well, try as I might)...
Finally, he lets me go, I go upstairs...and realise I've only got half an hour to get dressed and ready before Zinni's mom was gonna pick us up. So...I didn't have time to make Blake a card. ;_; ...I was so sad, I really was, felt terrible about it...(He assured me later that it was okay, but I promised him I'd still get it to him...)
Put on my Under a Blood Red Sky U2 shirt, my fav necklace (with a heart in a suitcase charm I made), grabbed my Bono shades (to hide my still-red eyes if I needed to...also for the sense of Bono they leant me...needed it..). Listened to the first few songs off October, felt slightly better.

So, Zinni's mom took myself, Daf, and Zin over to Churchville Park. Weren't a whole lot of people there yet, really, but more trickled in, and there were quite a few before long. But we sat down, chatted with people for awhile...and there was one girl I didn't really know. And I wondered... sure enough, Blake was introducing everyone to some relatives (hee, it was so cool, his grandparents even remembered me ^_^) was...oh, carp. Should probably do a codename, for consistancy. *g* Darnit. Somehow, I don't remember ever having a codename for her, which's actually odd...meh. *shrug* Uhhh...*racking brain* Bess. There we go. That works. *laugh*
But yeah. She was there. I...kinda minorly flipped out. Cos for years.....actually, I talked to her for awhile on aim and things a few years back, she and Blake and I spent hours in chatrooms together a few times, just screwing around...but then, Dan said to me once, this was a few years ago, that if Blake liked anyone, it was either myself or her. Tho she's lived in S. Carolina since 6th grade, I think. But before that, they were really good friends...and even since, they've kept in pretty close touch. And...unfair as I knew it was, I saw her kind of as a rival, really. And didn't talk to her as much, we kinda dropped off talking after awhile (tho this is frequent online, y'know? but..). And she came up for visits now and then, and I was always so relieved, cos somehow I was always (legitimately!) busy when someone planned for us all to meet at the mall or something, with her there. And I haven't worried about her as much the past year or two, but...anytime her name would come up, I'd still kinda cringe inside. And I *know* it wasn't fair of me, I knew it then, but...*sigh*
So yeah. And she was there today. wasn't so bad after all. I actually only saw him sitting by her I think once, oddly enough... and a bunch of us were talking at one point, she was sitting opposite me at the picnic table, and she saw my shirt, asked if I was a big fan of U2..."Yeah!!!" ^_^ ...and she saw Edge's wedding!!!!! ...I...kinda flipped out. *g* ..turns out she was in France at the same time, I forget where she said she was, but they looked down from the cliff or wherever they were, and could see the reception and stuff, tho she didn't know who it was 'til the next day and saw it in the paper. Waiii~~~~~! *laugh* ..but...GAH.....maaaannnnnn....*g* (Said to Daffy at this point: "Well, maybe she's not *so* bad...." *g* least she *knew* who U2 *were*! *laugh*)
Didn't see Blake for awhile, chatted with Christy and Heather (S.), Karin Lisa and Greg, etc... When we sat down to eat, he came over.."Hey, haven't seen you in awhile!" "Yeah, I know, I'm sorry..." "No, I know, there's a lot of people here"....."..but I'll sit and eat with you guys." Which he did. ^_^
Hung out with peeps for awhile, Daf and Zin left, but I decided to stay for awhile (wanted to spend some more time with Blake *g*). Mmm, lemme think...I dunno. Talked with Christy, Jess D., some other people for girl who was visiting from Germany (which was just cool) who was there with someone...looked at the stuff they'd set up...oh! Soooo *cute*!!!! ^_^
There were a bunch of pics of him when he was little...and there were a bunch I was in, too. *smile* There were two from the preschool Christmas play, one of just the two of us...gah. ^_^ (He was Joseph both years - see, talented even then! *smile* These were pics from the second year, cos I was a wiseman - thought they were the *coolest* costumes. *g*) Class pic from preschool, and one from one of his b-day parties when he was little, I was right in the middle...*smile* (Wearing this black dress with patterened magenta trim that I remember loving *dearly*...*laugh*)
And Bluey was there!!!!! ^_^ ..that made me so happy, it really did. I've no idea why, really, but...*g* I *remember* Bluey, his fav stuffed animal, a blue rabbit...hasn't aged well, tho that just shows how much he was loved. *smile* (So *cute*....I know, I'm making you all sick now....*g*)
Hung out awhile...chatted with Dan, who showed up (and said I shoulda stopped over to his party - tho, as I reminded him, I was never actually invited...he claims it's cos he hasn't got my e-mail addy, tho I was sure he at least had my old one..*shrug*). But that was actually kinda nice, hadn't *really* talked to him in awhile.
People had started leaving, after awhile it was mostly just some friends left (well, and Blake's impossibly hyperactive little cousin, Katie...*wow*...*g*). Blake said he wanted to play badminton, he hadn't gotten much of a chance to I volunteered to come play, then so'd some other people. At first I was playing against him, then his teammate left, so I slipped under the net and played on his side. ^_^ ...was so much fun, it really was. We were both playing (abnormally *g*) well, Kelly said we should have team names, Blake declared our team name "the winners"...we just laughed when we'd both go for the birdie and missed, smiling at each other...complimented each other on good hits...helped each other make up grandiose excuses when we missed - "we missed it on purpose...we were...just trying to help raise your self esteem!" "yeah, we wouldn't want you guys to have low esteem and all, that's not good"...*laugh* ...and much better bs than that, I just can't think of it all right was just..*fun*...finally, it got too dark to see anymore, we headed back over to where everyone else was...and we were arguing the whole way, the other team saying they'd won, us declaring that we had (I *still* think we won *g*) one point, I think Kelly's arguing got poor Blake all confused (or, so he claimed *g*), she's saying they won, I said "No, *we* won!", and Blake turns around to face me and says, "No, *we*---wait, you were on my team!" "Bla-ake!" [hrm. doesn't work as well's his real name did..*g*] And I like, launched into him, shoving him with my whole side (up against his...gyehhh...and...I hadn't thought about it at *all*, just *did* -*laugh* cos he deserved it! *g* - but...*smile*..felt so..cozy....*smile*)...he protested, 'I'm sorry, she got me all confused!...'
Hung around awhile longer, Kelly tried to kill AJ (or something...), we all talked and played/watched people play ping-pong in the dark...I stayed 'til pretty much the very end, Nicole gave me a ride home, I got back about 9.30.
...and only once we'd gotten into the car did I realise: I was wearing a grey shirt today (tho with a good deal of red on it). And he was wearing colour (a maroon-coloured shirt, tho I think he had a grey t-shirt on underneath). *shaking head, smiling*...

Meh. 'Course, got home, chatted with Matantis and Brian, and got re-lectured by Dad when I didn't say anything to him...but he was on the phone when I got in, and then I just hadn't said anything to him yet when he came into the kitche cos I was laughing at Matt, and wasn't sure if he was still pissed off (cos I figured he was, he'd yelled at Matt too).
Blah. So got another big long lecture that I really didn't want.
...another..lessee...twenty days? *siiigh*